Monday, January 7, 2008

The Sausage Has Spoken, or The Coconut, The Boy and Me.

The Sausage Has Spoken, or The Coconut, The Boy and Me.
Current mood: fascinated
Category: Life

One of my Polish grandfather's favorite phrases to use as a sly insult was "The Sausage Has Spoken!," particularly voiced towards my dad if he'd said something stupid. The phrase has been carried on generationally, so now even Luke knows it, understands it, and often uses it in a correct context.

Until today.

Today was weird on a number of levels--it's the 7th of January, yet the high temperature reached 66 degrees in Chicago. We're having thunderstorms, not snow, and the kids returned to school today after the Christmas vacation. After school today, Luke was giggling about with his best friend, Adam, while I gabbed with Cathy and Wes by our cars. Adam and Luke have evidently started yet another "secret club," and in this case, they've pledged to talk about sausage every day and utilize daily a new sentence that contains the word "sausage." Fine.

Until, of course, they stood at the base of the parking lot and school field and Luke decided to shout out "THE SAUSAGE HAS SPOKEN!" at the top of his lungs for, I'm not exaggerating, a good ten minutes. By and large, Adam was laughing too hard to join in this exclamation, and eventually returned to the car doubled over in giggles. Meanwhile, Luke stood there shouting until he was so tired, he had to plunk down his backpack, sit on it and THEN yell, "THE SAUSAGE HAS SPOKEN!"

Eventually the older boys who were attempting to play football replied, "WE DON'T CARE!" and "SHUT! UP!"

Finally, Luke came back to my car and we left to do a little grocery shopping after school, when we finally came upon the Holy Grail of Luke's culinary pursuits--a whole, raw coconut. Of course we HAD to buy the coconut, since they'd been on his Christmas list and all. Luke picked out a handful of other exotic fruits as well as a Mexican pineapple soda (eeew!).

Luke's exotic fruit findings were VERY well thought-out. As he perused the red pears, he said, "You need to find one without bruises, soft to the touch, and with obvious HEFT, using his hands as little deciding scales." HEFT? HEFT? You're almost 8...what do you know about HEFT, son?

During our jaunt around Jewel, Luke began a monologue of his infamous "Mega Meals with Lucas Bechtel" show (coming soon to Food Network). This was highly amusing though distracting, and I left the store without procuring two must-have items today, limes and Advil (don't ask, but no, I wasn't planning to put the "Lime in the Coconut.").

The best part of his narrative was this:

Luke (as Food Network host): "Coconuts were largely used in Medieval Times as a weapon, during perhaps a war in the 1400's. Soldiers would inject poison into the milk of the coconut and kill their enemies." (Silly me, I thought they'd just pelt the enemies WITH the coconuts. Who knew the plan was so much more sophisticated???) Then he pulled me aside and said, "I'm making this story UP, Mommy. It's not true." (WHEW!) "Coconuts aren't actually nuts," Luke said, "they are 'droops,' but calling something a 'cocodroop' would be too silly."

Luke: "Suppose you were a hobo on a deserted island. Would you eat coconuts and drink coconut milk as your sole nutritional source? Yes, perhaps, if you were a hobo living in Hawaii!"

Me, interrupting: "Luke, how many HOBOS live on DESERTED ISLANDS?"

Luke (continuing, ignoring my logical aside): "And suppose you're a hobo with a laptop on a deserted island. You can check out all of my recipes for coconut on"

Me: "HOW MANY HOBOS HAVE A LAPTOP?" (How would it fit in the little bandana sack on the stick???)

So we purchase the coconut and exotic fruits, and get into the car, where Luke insists on holding his coconut en route to the gas station, where I buy a pack of cigarettes. I can safely say he was the only customer in the gas staion clutching a raw coconut.

The coconut, the boy and I made our way home, during which time he read me the instructions on the coconut as to how to enjoy said coconut. Once home, the aforementioned enjoyment involved two big kitchen knives, a pair of kitchen shears and a big hammer. Luke drained the liquid from the coconut and put it in a big bowl, while I helped him chop the fruits for his salad.

I must say, his tropical fruit salad was delicious, if not hilarious.

What's cuter? Luke's cooking obsession or him holding a raw coconut while wearing a t-shirt that says "ROCK ON!" In any event, he rocks, as does his salad.

*SIDENOTE* In the first photo, note the bag of Rold Gold pretzels by the kitchen sink. This is another one of Luke's food experiments. The bag of pretzels is empty, but now filled with WATER and STAPLED shut. I'm still not sure what his ultimate plan is with it....

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