Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Double 0-Oof! or The Offbeat Drummer Goes to the Movies.

I'm not one for natural blonds or redheads (though I married one). Nor am I necessarily enamored solely by a chiseled frame, as is obvious when one looks at my Fairly Fucking Obese last boyfriend. Nor am I necessarily fond of the fact that I've spent roughly 8 hours of my life seeing "The English Patient" twice, which apart from the bathtub scene, is Snoozeville. Furthermore, what I find sexy is typically, certainly an acquired lusting which few other women taste (see Guy Friend). I will say this: I don't give a damn if Daniel Craig has been trying to get out of playing James Bond since "Casino Royale" and I found myself rudely texting in the dark (not that the other 2 patrons in our theater could see) the following Facebook status update: "Jesus, was anyone going to tell me Ralph Fiennes was in the new Bond flick?" It was quite literally almost Too Much Anglophile Eruptive Blue-Eyed Majestic Virility for The Offbeat Drummer to Politely Absorb While Sitting Next to a Preteen Boy.

Attention! Spoilers!

Daniel Craig has blue eyes. Maybe it's digital movie magic, but 007 has BLUE EYES. In "Skyfall," we get to see him swimming in a pool. And doing sit-ups. And doing pull-ups. His sharp-shooting skills are zero, after having, well, you know, died and come back to life again. And undergoing a free association psychiatric evaluation, all of which he fails, but since his boss is Bond-fond, she lets it slide. He's later deemed an alcoholic with substance abuse problems (my favorite kind of person!) and unfit for duty, but he presses onward.

Fiennes' girth has, well, expanded since his blockbuster, Oscar-nominated performances in the 90's, and not having seen any of the "Harry Potter" films, my son could only associate him as having been the former husband of the character who plays "River Song" in the new "Doctor Who," Alex Kingston. Ralph is sporting more the Amon Goeth physique of his "Schindler's List" days and his hair is really thinning on top, but that's an aside. He's convincing as M16 executive Gareth Mallory, who ultimately takes over as "M," furthering his secure place in future Bond movies (yippee!). 

Luke had seen "Skyfall," the latest in the Ian Fleming-inspired James Bond series (50th anniversary, by the way), previously, but was totally up for another round with Mom. It's safe to say, however, that he didn't expect Mom to be napkin-requiring drooling throughout most of the film. Bond films have historically been box office Gold for Hetero Guys, who anticipate the Bond Girl du Jour, the bombshell who steals the show. 

"Skyfall," however, was a treat for those of us (male or female) who dig extraordinarily handsome British men. Javier Bardem plays the villain who used to work for M16 but went loco, who's trying to kill the big boss, "M," played once again by impish but ballsy Dame Judi Dench. (Never mind Bardem, who's really freakishly ugly.)

The film is wrought with typical Bond shenanigans, car chases, explosions, sharp-shooting, and gadgetry courtesy of a new young "Q." DestructoBond is unstoppable and heroic. Fiennes comes through trying to save the world.

4 stars!

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