Thursday, December 20, 2012

Fuck Christmas.

I have diagnoses of 4 out the 6 above referenced mental conditions: Bipolar, PTSD, GAD and Panic Disorder. According to the chart, I have a 4/6 chance, which reduces to 2/3, which rounded is 67%. I have a 67% chance of committing suicide. If you cross-include MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and don't lump it in with the depressive side of bipolar, my odds are even more grim.

And little makes people want to commit suicide quite like the holidays, which is a statistical fact. In general, getting through Thanksgiving through New Year's without offing yourself is something of which to be proud, if you're lucky.

I'm not listening to Christmas music this year, really, not even my favorite, which is "John Denver & The Muppets: A Christmas Together." I just can't get into it. Instead, what was on yesterday's playlist?


When we were young, my brother and I had this little tune, more like a jingle, really, where we'd sing "I am so happy on Christmas Eve." Because we were. We looked forward to Christmas like every other kid. We looked forward to the Christmas party at Dad's firehouse and Santa and the Sunday school Christmas program, and spending time together, the whole lot of the season. That was before the rug of reality was pulled out from under us, our family literally shattered, and disillusion slapped us in the face. We weren't so happy, and grew more unhappy as each year of Christmases passed by.

It is a whole, separate, not-yet-written blog post as to why I'm so disillusioned this year in particular, but suffice it to say, as a teaser, it has to do with Guy Friend disappointing me on a number of levels of varying degrees of indifference and intolerance.

I took my son to school, and am still sleepy, so I think instead of wrapping gifts or, like, getting showered and dressed, I'll just leave you all with this while I go back to sleep. Eric Idle (Monty Python) is as good a songwriter as anyone out there, and his sentiment in this Christmas classic is no exception.

Fuck it. Just fuck it.

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