Sunday, November 17, 2013

Ms Anthropy, nee Miss Acatelepsy.

I feel like I've gone to hell, but I did get a chain on which to hold so I can swoop back up whenever my brain decides to feel better.

It's more than just being jaded, I think. It's more than being utterly aggravated that Guy didn't refill my heart medication days ago (UPDATE: they just happened to be ready JUST NOW whereas the pharmacy said they weren't even called in YESTERDAY) and, though he's in Boston, I texted him that I was running out of my beta blockers, and now I'm out of heart medication. (He had cell service, Jesus Christ, he wasn't in the Congo again.) I miss Guy, as usual, and our relentless bickering.

I told him it's getting to be that time of the year to enact "Illumination," the poem I wrote for him in 2012 before my hysterectomy--the first poem I'd written by hand in 17 years, from scratch, scribble, a thesaurus and all my heart. Given he leaves his Christmas lights on the house all year long, it's time to replace them with brightly colored bulbs, start a fire in the pit in the back yard, pour a scotch and think about how much he misses me too. He should totally listen to Mazzy Star while he's thinking about me, because how romantic would that be?

Depression. Again. Except when it comes to Anoushka Shankar.

The concert was phenomenal and our seats were in the 2nd table from the front. Excellent. Guy would've loved it, but my mom loved it as well, more than she thought she would. She enjoyed herself so much that she actually hugged me goodnight, which she almost never does. So that all worked out. Anoushka's new album really is terrific, "Traces of You," on which she does a few duets with half-sister Norah Jones. Norah's not on tour with Anoushka, but Ms. AS had a lovely singer with her who did this song from the new record:

A misanthrope, by definition, has developed a certain disdain for humanity in general. Like take the literally most misanthropic songwriter of the 20th century, Warren Zevon, and plunk him into a seemingly endless depression, but out of which came brilliant creativity and wit (if not eerily prophetic):

Plato's definition of misanthropy is, essentially, "The result of thwarted expectations or excessively naive optimism." (Wiki)

My propinquity with Guy has turned to mizpah, and my expectations aren't met as often as I wish they were. I realize I'm perpetually too hard on him, but hi, needy chick who's too loving! And way to send someone with panic disorder AND tachycardia into GIGANTIC panic heart-racing when one runs out of heart medication.

I stayed awake long enough to go to a little party at Meg's on Friday night (a girls' night in, a clothing party, where you be all girly and look at outfits that probably don't look good on you unless you're a size 2, but I did find a bitchin' outfit that'll knock socks off once I'm back down to a size 4).  Much wine was consumed, but I was with my mom and just ate all of Meg's cheese instead.

I've been plagued as of late by dormiveglia, which sounds like a worse medical condition than it probably would be if it wasn't just an expression in Italian which means the space that stretches between sleeping and waking.

Three-hour spurts. That's how I've been sleeping lately. In what's got to be my historically lengthiest bout of depression in my manic-depressive tenure, I'm literally sleeping and waking every 3 hours. If I manage to stay up for 2 or 3 hours at most, it's a personal triumph. Then back to sleep I go. It irritates Luke less than it does my mother, but it irritates no one more than myself. Yesterday was the worst of it. Apart from running almost 2 hours of errands with Luke (who's now sick), picking up my car (which WAS sick) and eating dinner, I literally slept in 3-hour spurts all day and night, awake for about an hour at a time. I finally gave up at 7am this morning and have been awake ever since. I made my bed to make it less inviting, though I'm sleepy.

And I have So. Much. Work. I have GOT to pack in some homework today, though I have all of next week off, but let's be honest: I'll probably do more dicking around than anything. There's Thanksgiving to consider. I just can't stay awake long enough to concentrate on any particular project. I did start one at 3:30 this morning, but wasn't exactly lucid, and soon fell back asleep.

I have this morose, sneaking suspicion I either have mono or am riddled with cancer. I keep breaking out into these random 101-103 degree fevers and when I do, the lymph nodes in my armpits start hurting really badly. Yes, I had the flu several weeks ago and another cold subsequent to that, but this is different and that all went away. I get so chilled that my fingers turn numb and lifeless. I wear multiple layers of clothing and just tremble. If I take some ibuprofen, within about 2 hours, it goes away almost entirely, only to come back several hours later or the next day. I should probably seek medical attention for it, but I'm so peevish and full of malcontent that I don't care and just deal with the symptoms without telling anyone in my family. The last time it happened was a week ago, about 2 hours before I had to go play drums, and the only person who knew about it was one of my singers, and I honestly didn't know how I'd hold the drumsticks with numb fingers.

This is kind of how I'm sleeping, and when I wake up, I feel like the guy at 2:54 in the video:

I emailed Guy that I'd been having bad dreams about him lately, but I'm sure I won't hear back for quite some time. In one, I had a cat fight with Lady GuyGuy, and he just sat there and laughed through it (which'd probably happen). I caught him alone and asked, "Were you ever in love with me?" He, I think, cited some example of when he felt in love with me, and said that he still was. Then (I don't remember if I told him this part or not, I probably did) he kissed me...a lot, and his kisses in the dream felt exactly like his kisses do in real life, only it lasted way longer. So bad dream/good dream/strange psychotropic medication-enhanced dream. 

In another, the night before Meg's party, her party was that of selling containers of insects, and only 2-3 people were let into the party at one time, and I waited outside with Guy, giving him a haircut. (???) Over walked George Harrison and his son, Dhani. Guy got irritated that I chose Dhani and we ran off together and hopped a train in Henley-on-Thames, England, where the Harrison estate actually is, in  train station I've actually been in. Yeah, sorry, Guy, but I'd run off with Harrison, Jr. (Are they twins or are they TWINS?)

As Douglas Adams called it, "The Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul."

I need my heart mended expeditiously, both physically and metaphorically.


BMF said...

I'm less worried about your lovesick heart and soul than I am about your lymph nodes and your anatomical heart, so please don't let it get any more awful than it already sounds like it is.


Anonymous said...

Are your glands (the ones in your neck) swollen?

Andrea Miklasz said...

Only on the right side, but yes.

BMF said...

I'm so glad you finally got your heart pills from Dr Devo. You texted me your heart was running so fast it could win the Kentucky Derby, then you said the Triple Crown, so it must've gotten worse. Hopefully, you're more stable now.

I'm no doctor (ahem), but if I had to go with anything, I'd go with mono, in which case, you're never going to get anyone to kiss you, yuck! Even people getting over the flu don't just break out into fevers and limb numbness for no damn good reason, and your sore lymph nodes are cause for alarm.

Anonymous said...

Pains? Aches? Is the numbness relieved by using hot water or a hot compress? It admittedly sounds very, very odd. Andrea, I would seriously go for a checkup if you can squeeze one in (maybe during your semester break?) BMF said you told him you were having pancreatic pain gain a week or two ago. Can you eat?

Don't jump to the Big C conclusion just yet. Stay off of Web MD!!!!

Andrea Miklasz said...

Yeah, I get achy when I run a temp & my skin hurts. I can't get warm. I do run my hands under really warm water or put gloves on (I have tread gloves I can wear to drum that don't let the sticks slide.) Sometimes, I get so sore lying on one side I switch sides sleeping in bed (But I'm getting old)& and am in terrific pain when I get up. Don't know what that's related to.

I'm overdue for several checkups, which I'd like to get done over break.

I feel better--I mean my heart feels physically better. MY suspicion is that he either called it in today or he got home today and did by electronic Rx if he went into the office. Because it hadn't been called in when I picked up Luke's inhaler (from his pediatrician) late yesterday afternoon.

Andrea Miklasz said...

The pancreatic pain was weird. It was the same pain as when I'd come down with pancreatitis, and hurt right above my belly button, like really badly. But in a while it'd go away.

It'd both suck and not suck if I was dying. It'd mostly suck in the long run.

Psych Tweeting Doc said...

Hey Annie,

If you're sleeping in such frequent cycles (3 hours at a time, with a short interval in between), you're not just having depression. It's a mixed-mood episode of hypomania and depression, which stinks, I know, and you don't get a lot done. During those times your're awake, you barely have enough time to take care of the essentials (like eat and run errands with your son, like you said you did).

Wow, I've never seen a psych patient who cycled as often and as rapidly as you do. Why it is doubly important that you keep up with ALL of your medications all of the time and don't run out.

Did the pattern continue through yesterday?

I'm happy to hear the concert was a good time for you and your mom and that you seemed to have fun at Meg's party. I don't recommend that you go down to a size 4 again--you're too tall and think of all of the health problems--like pancreatitis--you had when you were that thin.

Take care of yourself!

Psych Tweeting Doc said...

If the fevers/numbness, swollen or sore glands continue, please do notify your physician ASAP. I know you started Risperdal within the last month...

Andrea Miklasz said...

Yesterday, I stayed awake all day but like clockwork, I was up at 3am and had a hard time falling back asleep. Luke's home sick today, so I took advantage of that to sleep in. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next Monday, so I'll see if the Risperdal could be causing any nasty side effects.

Guy swooped back into Chicago on a red eye (I don't know if he couldn't get in last night, as we had "Wreck of the Edmumd Fitzgerald" gale force winds in Chicago) and I must say, I'm shocked and impressed that he read and got through Fyodor Sologub's "The Petty Demon" which I gave him, which as Kate can attest, is a REALLY difficult novel, but it's salacious. He made it without mental Cialis? Way to go!

Andrea Miklasz said...

Next on Guy's Annie reading list: short stories by Chekhov. There's oe in particular that will truly resonate with him. Kate introduced me to it tonight. Yes, it'll be part of his Christmas present. Kate was right about Guy, as she always is....

Was glad to get an email from Guy this afternoon. Unexpected for sure. He was very nice, given the last text I sent was "I'm mad at you."

Did take a nap today..awoke disoriented at 5:30 pm thinking it was morning, that I hadn't done my presentation (Which I never did do, but I asked for my ADA extension), couldn't figure out why my shade was still open and I was in my clothes. I hate when that happens!

Mongry. Gonna fix a snack then hit the sack.

I promise I'll make an appt to see my GP during my Christmas break.

Very Moon said...

I love Chekhov!! And if I remember right, Anton was a doctor too. Which makes it a nice touch. The short stories are quite... Magnificent! I can attest to that.

To the doctors!

Andrea Miklasz said...

At 5:00 am..slept 5.5 hours in a row tonight! Woot! Just dozed off again at around 7am, I think, and I had to get up at 8.

Had another dream about trying to make plans with Guy and Lady GG getting in the way. It was for after his mom's funeral mass, which I was glad was so short. Then Meg & I were supposed to go & stay @ their house, & Lady GG offered us their room. I said I'd be damned if I'd sleep in a bed she slept in with him before & I was trying to get my own room with him, I don't know if I ever did. And then we were all going to go out to dinner, and I was trying to get Craig's mom to watch Luke. Guy & I kept picking out restaurants we'd been to together & Lady GG shot us down for all of them. Why do I keep having Guy and his wife dreams? Why can't they just involve Guy? Go away, Lady GG. You're killing my Guy buzz. "If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell," since I'm on a Gordon Lightfoot kick since our "gales of November remembered" storm Sunday night.

I also dreamed that I went to see vintage Led Zeppelin by myself. Not exactly Michael Nesmith, but it'll be like the 3rd concert I've gone to alone, and quite honestly, I don't mind. There's always good people watching and The City Winery is so intimate, you're seated across the table from mates you've never met, so it's a good chance to strike up conversations with personalities you might not otherwise encounter.

I did NOT know that about Chekhov. Will throw in a nice touch, though, definitely.

Anonymous said...

Annie, as I think you know my father passed away very suddenly last week so I'm not able to keep up with my "normal" life, plus my sleep is highly disrupted. Thus, I just read this post from 6 days ago, and at 3:30 AM, no less.

I am VERY concerned.

Take this advice from a Highly Trained Professional: do NOT wait until Christmas -- or even Thanksgiving -- to go in to have your fevers, sweats, adenopathy (enlarged lymph nodes) evaluated.

Make an apt NOW. Be seen within the next 1-3 days -- today (Friday) if at all possible. You need labs & probably a CXR (chest xray), at the very least. You owe it to Luke, if no one else.

Miss Thang II

Andrea Miklasz said...

Miss Thang II,

I'm gonna let it go. In the off-chance I have cancer at this point, I wouldn't treat it anyway, and would go as God wills. I still haven't told anyone in the family about it, nor do I plan to. With as tense as things are in my house, and how incredibly unhappy I am with my entire life, I see no point in pursuing a cure for whatever ails me. Why not? Because to the people who are supposed to unconditionally love me, I'm just a junkie with a $ sign liability wandering around.