Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Words: A Guest Blog Post from Best Male Friend

Annie has been gracious enough to allow me some space not in the comment format to say a few things.

I'm BMF.....her Best Male Friend. I have some shred of anonymity on the blog (though there are hints as to who I am), as does my best male friend, who frequently comments anonymously, but if you knew him, you'd recognize him from his personality alone. I think Annie let me post a blog some time ago, but geez, that is but a faint memory. I'm around now to let you see Annie as I see Annie in this moment in time.

Our relationship as friends is sort of like a pair of high school girls who share every minute detail of our lives with one another. The kind of friends you see all day at school but go home and spend another 6 hours on the phone with reviewing the events of the day. Whenever we can, we can be found texting, Skyping, calling or (very rarely) traveling together with that ol' gang of mine. (That's a trip, I tell ya.)

It's fair to say the only secret really "out there" is who I am, and that's for the best. I trust her with my innermost thoughts and feelings, and am not afraid to express them to her, because the nature of our friendship has never been a facade. Otherwise, I have no reason or cause to lie to her. No reason to lead her down paths like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. There are enough other people in her life pulling crap like that.

I am a happily married man with children whom I adore. I have never and would never leave my wife or home for a permanent life with Annie. We both know this is for the best, because one of the only negatives in our friendship is that we enable one another to succumb to our mutual demons. That would never be a healthy dynamic. One or both of us would implode, and we love one another too much to ever allow that to happen. As I've commented previously, my wife knows the nature and ins/outs of my friendship with Annie. She's had her bitter moments and temper tantrums, but overall, she's very hip and patient and like I commented, understands and appreciates the unique voids in my life which can only be filled by someone on Annie's level and likewise I with Annie.

Where is Annie today? Fighting mightily with every ounce of energy she has left to stay alive. Her health has taken a serious turn for the worst, which compounds her bipolar depression. This is the longest period of depression since I've known her that hasn't either been switcherooed with mania or evened out by her medications. She has mentioned on several occasions that she wants to commit suicide for lots of reasons, but she wouldn't go through with it because of Luke. Thank the universe for that, because I'll be damned if I'm going to lose her by her own doing. I'm scared, because she has enough drugs on her to actually do it. I'm scared because she's cutting herself again, a behavior she hasn't engaged in for a number of years. Instead of taking her stress and frustrations out healthfully, or outward, she punishes herself. She destroys herself because she bears all that's going awry in her life on her own. She doesn't like to bother people with her problems, though she's no bother at all. Never.

She's told all of her friends (though hidden from people like her mom, but Luke's aware) of the present challenges she's facing. She just texted me that she took her nighttime medications a little early because she's really tired, and then hurled her guts out. She's under a tremendous amount of stress. Stress that I can't fix, which eats away at me, and yes, a lot of times when I'm talking to her and she is crying, I cry too. I cry not out of pity but rather because I've been to and through the depths of coming close to losing everything that ever meant anything to me. I know what it's like to have "friends" so angry with you that they vow to cut you loose because of your attitude or behaviors.

Is Guy one of the things that's got her so distraught? Absolutely. I've met him. I can't say he impressed me whatsoever, nor did I feel like engaging in conversation with him, but that doesn't matter. It's how Annie feels that matters. And Annie is devastated. We, her close friends, have all tried to reason with her and reassure her that while she may have made some mistakes or opened her big yap too widely, his choice of and means by which he bid her farewell were downright cruel and unjustified for a relationship, a friendship, a kindred soul union that's 5 years in the works. We all tell her to forget him and that someone spectacular is going to come along and no, she won't grow old alone, but telling her to forget him or disregard him is silly. Keep in mind that she never asked Guy to leave HIS wife, either. She never even slept with Guy. She wanted more than he gave her, and to be more special to him more often than in little convenient spurts for him. He thrived on her attention and adoration, but went ahead and chastised her because she fell in love with him. The way their final conversation went down, as it was explained to me, was that he nervously and speedily cut ties and amputated her from his life. Just like that. He bitched about this blog, and about the fact that his co-workers had figured out too much information. His family did too, most likely. His reputation as a fine, upstanding, Catholic healer of the sick and weary was tarnished by the fact that he led my best friend down a path of deceit of his own doing for a very long time. His wife is his rock, his soul, his life? Well, THAT's interesting, as I've commented before, considering the fact that he rarely, if ever, called her by name to Annie, crabbed about her family a lot (he doesn't like them, by the way) and made romantic, physical gestures and said things to her that are not akin to that of a fine, upstanding Catholic man. I'm not a religious zealot, never have been, but I understand the Christian concept of sin. Guy's sin was not in following his heart with Annie, or even secretly engaging in naughtyish behavior with her, betraying his sacred marital vows. The sin he needs to confess the most is that he fucked with Annie's head and heart when she looked to him for strength, support and love. None of us, not one of us, as her friends, believe that he wasn't at some point or currently is in love with her. And he said "I love you" to her tons of times. If that was all bullshit, that's some pretty major bullshit to plant in an impressionable woman's head. That's scuzzy. But he couldn't have Lady GuyGuy and Annie on the side and have that be okay. Maybe Annie wouldn't have badmouthed her so much if she wasn't such a swamp frog to Annie when THEY met. That's not conjecture--Annie can quote verbatim the rudeness she was partied to. Thus, Annie's attitude towards and opinion of Lady GuyGuy was, in my opinion, totally justified. At the VERY least, he owes her an honest conversation about what happened, what went so wrong so quickly, and explain his detachment. I don't consider 5 minutes on the phone and her wrought with tears a sufficient ending to an otherwise mutually terrific friendship. If I did that to her, I'd never be able to forgive MYSELF, much less go to some child-molesting priest to beg for penance. Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you, Guy. Face it, brother, you didn't handle it like a goddamn man. We tell Annie she deserves better, and she does. But she also deserves an apology and an explanation from you. (Bets are waging you'll wimp out totally and never do this.)

Annie lost her health insurance at the beginning of the month and is struggling to have it reinstated. She's dependent on Illinois to cover her healthcare, which is very expensive. Luckily, she's got enough money to cover the racking up bills and all the expensive medication right now, but that won't last forever. This has her really stressed out and frustrated. The money stress has been compounded by the fact that her ex-husband is in deep doo doo about not paying her child support for Luke that he's behind, for a long time. He's not acting like a responsible man in much the same fashion as Guy. Giving Annie the unfair shaft. What's worse with her ex is that it's a detriment to their child, which I personally find reprehensible. People criticize me for not financially supporting and taking care of Annie, when I totally could afford to. That's not my role in our friendship. Annie needs to become self-sufficient, and while I've helped in dribs/drabs, I want her to learn how to manage her finances just as I had to learn once I had some money and wasn't almost living in a box under the highway.

Annie is scrambling to find another graduate school to go to in the fall because things didn't and weren't working out with Adler. Without going into great detail, she's a brilliant genius and has a great shot at getting in anywhere she applies, but there's a measure of urgency to all of this which is ALSO stressing her out. I'm not ashamed to say I'm very good at what I do professionally and am well compensated for it. Annie deserves that too. Her path is still forming, but she deserves a chance at the best education (I only have a high school diploma, so graduate school is totally foreign territory for me. I just know it's hard.) she can get.

Her relationship with her mother, who she lives with, is majorly fucked up. Her mom treats her like a kid, and is legitimately abusive towards her. The constant egg shell walking at home and atoning for ills (half of which aren't her fault to begin with, or were accidents, or misunderstandings) have pushed Annie to the limits of her sanity. Problem is, she's stuck. She can't afford to leave, so she has to put up with it. This breaks my heart for her, because the last person who should negate you is your own parent. It's getting worse, and she's shedding more tears, and is afraid. Annie's mom doesn't make her feel good about herself. She makes her feel really, really shitty about herself. Less than human, even. She misses her dad a whole lot and Father's Day was really hard on her, as it always is, just like his birthday and the anniversary of the day he died. Speaking of which, Jesus Christ, Guy, it was your own father who couldn't revive Annie's father and he died. And you treat her this way? What the fuck is wrong with you?

She got a flat tire over the weekend. While not a huge issue, and she handled it well, it's little things like that which add up to Annie losing her shit and the bipolar really rearing its ugly head. It's just one thing after another after another and I think that is what drives her to threaten to kill herself.

She gained a lot of weight and feels awful about her appearance. It's because of a medical problem and is not her fault at all, but it makes her feel ugly and unlovable. I try to remind her that I KNOW her and I LOVE her and that she's always beautiful to me. She won't be this way forever. When the doctors get the problem fixed, she'll slowly make it back to where she's comfortable with how she looks. Until then, it's our duty to reassure her that it's just a shell of who and what the real Annie is all about. She's a sexy mama any way you look at her and that's the truth. There have been plenty of times when I feel like I look like shit and she thinks I'm gorgeous (???) so we're even.

I guess to sum it up, everybody, please, cut Annie some slack and if you love her or even like her, prove it. She needs it more now than ever. I don't want to lose my friend and I'm scared. Apart from my wife and children, she's the most important person in my life. It's easy for me to say "Hang in there!" but she's hanging to a cracking branch. Guy? MAN UP YOU FUCKING PUSSY. Meg, Kate...keep up the fabulous work in helping to take care of her and being so selfless with your love and attention, when I know you've both got a lot of shit going on in your own lives. I do what and as much as I can, but I'm far away physically, though totally in her spirit.

Annie, you're hilarious, and SO damn smart, and creatively gifted, and a great mama, and you have so much talent and drum pounding to offer this world. The people who matter care. Please take care of your needs and undo all of that stress one thing at a time. It's all you can do. You'll pull through, soldier. Come on, you're one of my biggest role models of strength and survival. Don't let these setbacks stop you. And that's exactly what they are. Setbacks. Not absolutes. Not definitions. Not doomsdays. You will be better than ok. You'll be spectacular. Just wait and tough it out. Until things turn around, rest your head on the shoulders of those of us who love you. And when I say I love you, I MEAN it.


And that's what real love is. You connect with someone and laugh your asses off. You create together. You strive to bring out the best in one another. You've saved my life. Let me help you save yours.


Your Bestest Ever Male Friend


Rob said...

Thanks for the heads up BMF as I didn't realise how many different shitty things were going on at once I will PM or try and Skype her when our time zones overlap

BMF said...

You're a great guy, Rob and have been a really good friend to Annie. I'm sorry I didn't include you in the list of folks who help take care of her. That'd be great if you could keep in touch with her. Yeah, she sort of has a mountain of crap on her plate right now. i know she cares about you and your family a lot. Isn't it sucky that most of us who care about her most are so far away from her? Thanks for being on Team Annie. --BMF

Rob said...

No need to apologise, it is sucky being so far away

Anonymous said...

Andrea needs a love telethon!

BMF said...

Quite honestly, it doesn't matter who I am. I'm Annie's best male friend. It doesn't matter who Guy Friend is either, though his name's been leaked in some comments, oops. It doesn't matter who Meg is. It doesn't matter who my friend is who comments anonymously. It doesn't matter who Ms. Blog Stalker or the Henchwoman are. I guess it doesn't matter who the French Inhaler is, either, though we're DYING to know who that is. I think Kate and Rob are the only ones who use their real names on here. Point being, it isn't anybody's business. Annie, it's your blog. You call the shots. Your thoughts?

You don't "need" to know anything.

Ok, I'm Eric Clapton. Secret's out.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Very Moon uses her real name too.

I think Ms. Blog Stalker has been outed before.

People are nosy. No, it's nobody's business who you are, where you're from or what you do, Eric.