Monday, December 30, 2013

I Remember Everything. And I Forget Everything.

With me, there's no middle ground. I either have conscious recollection of every minute detail of every event which took place and impressed me somehow or, conversely, I have zero memory of something ever having happened. It's a really thin wire, too.

For example, I remember Crush calling me just to chew the fat (!!!) late on a Saturday afternoon in the fall of 1994 after I'd been at a pumpkin patch with my then 2-year old nephew, Jake, who called all of the pumpkins "balls." I was chilled and wearing requisite grunge-era flannel, and extremely surprised that he called. I'm quizzical but not stupid, yet probably misconstrued his intent. He was probably just bored, though I can't imagine someone with such a fabulously exciting life ever being bored. Here's where I don't remember anything further...I think I was so nervously excited that he was on the other end of the phone that I lost all of my marbles. Darn it, anyway!

I remember the first time I was at his apartment. He was wearing a Mekons t-shirt, was barefoot and gave me a glass of iced tea. I wasn't really hip as to who the Mekons were at the time, but Crush mentioned Jon Langford being a transplanted Welshman living and working in Chicago. As fate would have it, Jon and I would cross paths and meet up several times some 15 years later. I was at Crush's apartment (this was before we collaborated, let's say) and have no idea what we talked about for like 3 hours, but I can tell you visually the exact layout of his bachelor pad.

The same could be said of every interaction I had with Guy. This is where nothing is foggy, and I remember everything he ever said to me. This is where things just don't add up. Either Guy is just really out of touch with his emotions or is a sadistic asshole, I'm not sure. I remember the first time he buzzed my desk to say he was leaving for the night, and when he hung up, said, "Love ya!" after which I almost fainted. I assumed he forgot with whom he was on the phone, but in hindsight, no, it was on purpose. I've played and replayed every sweet nothing Guy ever threw at me, and his words are just not consistent with the way he behaved. He continuously attempted to push 100% of the affection as being wanted by or solicited by me, as being what Guy thought I wanted, so he went along with the game.

Trouble is, I didn't initiate half of what did happen between us over the last few years. I didn't say, "Tell me I looked beautiful tonight," He said, "You looked beautiful tonight." I haven't the seductress charms to woo Guy to the point where he couldn't stop himself. He did that on his own. I didn't force him to kiss me or encourage him to moan in delight when we'd hold one another. (He nearly purred. It was extraordinary.) Trust that I remember every "I love you" as to when and where they took place. It's the why I can't suss out. If he didn't love me, and he wasn't trying to sleep with me (darn it, anyway!), why'd he tell me he did so many times? And the reason for the abrupt switcheroo to being all distant and formal and cold around me? What's that all about? No, being busy is not flying as an excuse. Someone flicked a switch and Guy stopped loving me. And I'm having a hard time reconciling with that.

I in no way want Crush, on the extremely off-chance he's interested in me, to think I'm on the rebound or he's sloppy seconds. I wanted to meet him because he impressed me. I wanted to get to know him because he was interesting and smart. It wasn't just that he was one of the most physically beautiful creatures upon whom I'd ever laid my eyes. His co-host radio show counter-critic was likewise as smart and interesting, just not exactly my type, though I appreciated all the rides home in his Land Rover to my apartment in the Gold Coast after I'd whine enough about not being able to hail a cab near the Merchandise Mart at midnight or whenever, and those guys were too nice than to let the cute intern stand outside alone downtown for any length of time.

I'm still radio silent on Guy, and Crush has been radio silent since Christmas Day. I'm sure Crush is enjoying a vacation somewhere fabulous with someone exotic.

Me? If I find you to be an interesting or compelling person, I  will more than likely attempt every avenue to get to know you. Comforting thought, no?

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