Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Being Bloodied with a Bat in a Dark Alley Would Be Quicker and Less Painful Than Deciphering Your Texts

Ok....my humor is piqued enough betwixt my inner circle where I feel compelled to share the conversation between Ms. Blog Stalker (heretofore "Ms. BS,"...go back to other blogs, you all know who she is, my former supervisor) and myself, which came in as a surprise whilst I napped yesterday afternoon. Slander has to be recorded and false. Libel has to be written and false, neither of which are valid in this case, so my ass is covered and my phone fully charged. Mind you, I'm typing this out VERBATIM, grammatical, syntactical and typographical errors left intact, just the way they came across the phone:

Monday, 3:26 pm......

Ms. BS: Hey (insert name of scary, giant, mean African-American henchwoman/best pal) and I would like to have lunch w you one day .what day us good for u?

6 Hours later, after I'd awoken and consulted with colleagues.....

ME: That's surprising. What did you want to discuss? I'm extremely busy with graduate school.

Ms. BS: u know

Ms. BS: I also busy with jobs but I need to talk to u

ME: I really have nothing to talk to you about.

Ms. BS: U sure have a lot to say people tell me I never anything to u and I'm tired of hearing from others of what u say      if you have something to say tell me to my face

ME: I have zero interest in meeting with you or (henchwoman). Take care.

Ms. BS: Then I better not here (editor's note: sic) anymore shit u r talking about me    I don't bother u    don't bother me

ME: Fine.

[Just when you think scene cuts, I'm rudely awakened at 4:45 am Tuesday morning]

Ms. BS: ,this goes for your friends also I heard it didn't stop

[Can we cut scene NOW, please?]


Clearly, I must have her blocked from accessing Blogger; otherwise, she wouldn't be telling me all of this juicy information in a third-party format. "I heard that..." etc. (Unless she suffers from multiple personality disorder or hears voices.)

If anyone's muff-diving, it's the Henchwoman and Ms. BS. I spend so much time investing in my friendship with Meg that when she's stumbly and I hold her hand to walk to the car, people probably thing we're rug munching too (which we're both extremely too man-obsessed to do). Frankly, I don't care, if that's their thing, go for it. Live! I'm just baffled beyond belief that anyone would think I'd be stupid or naive enough to actually meet them "for lunch.." They'd tag-team scream at me! At that point, I'd whip out my latest tracking report of visits from the office during the work day, when they violated the company rules again, to which they're apparently immune. I didn't even find out that the Henchwoman, who had moved to Texas, had returned to her job at Balderdash & Veritities, from Guy. Who told me? A grocery checker at Domnick's. I'll hand it to the Henchwoman. She gives painless shots and can find a vein in Gollum. It's totally immaterial that she's unlicensed.

The last time Ms. BS and the Henchwoman argued with me via text, which was over a year or more ago, or more, before my hysterectomy in 2012, they threatened to go to Lady GuyGuy and expose what Guy and I are up to (read: honestly? Pretty much nothing). My feeling was like, "Go ahead! It's all published anyway!" I care about Guy and his situation, but I don't care what Lady GuyGuy thinks of me, or Ms. BS or the Henchwoman or anyone else left dangling at Balderdash & Verities. Their vapidity is astonishing; their banality unparalleled. Their morbid curiosity, however, is cranked up to 11 on the amp.

They'd left me alone for the greater part of a year, but checked in right quickly for my reaction to Madame Guy's death. Unless I'm wrong and they've been proxy accessing, but keep in mind, these are not intelligent people.

It's just irritating.

Which was why I broached with Guy if it was wise if I came to the wake in the first place. But he wanted me to come. I was glad I went. It was nice to see (most of ) his family and all the old pictures from the family. It was good to support him. I had something special I wanted to give him. In case it isn't already apparently obvious, though I might have been nervous such that I requested the escort of Meg, that was more for the sake of trying to commiserate with Lady GuyGuy, not the staff at Balderdash & Verities. Turned out I had no time to even offer my condolences to Lady GuyGuy, for she was in the surely sympathetic arms of Ms. Blog Stalker, among other throngs. Who left Guy standing by himself in his own little area?

Lunch. Meet us for lunch. Hi, you get a 45 minute lunch (if you choose to abide by any of the rules set out by Balderdash & Verities). I suppose that's enough time to beat me to a bloody pulp, but a) you'd both lose your jobs and end up in the county clink and b) thanks, but my hair stylist already noticed the 1.5" half-moon shaped gash on the top of my head as a result of falling, stumbling back into my house in the middle of the night tanked on Ambien. Hair grew IN it! She thought it was astounding I didn't have a concussion. I probably did, but just ignored it & went back to my meatballs. Heads bleed. A lot. Off-topic, I understand.

This'd be me and Arlene, except I would have the intellectual posse backing me up to kick her ass. I'd be Billy Batts, winding up in the trunk:


Rob Cheney said...

Eeek!!! My cards are marked being one of the "friends"

Very Moon said...

I love how they think you are responsible for keeping your friends in line. Bitches, please. No one keeps me in line, you shut your holes.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Yeah, I mean, come on guys/gals....our every move is being scrutinized while we scrutinize every move....I think BMF or his BFF said a long time ago that really, we're just a bunch of assholes! Which is fine by me!

Very Moon said...

It occurs to me that maybe the reason she's telling you to keep your cronies in line is that maybe that's the way things go in the clinker where she's from. That might work there, lady, but not on the outside!

Andrea Miklasz said...

I wish I could figure out how she's gaining access.

She texted me at dinnertime this exactly:

",I see you still haven't stopped."

Comma? Did you mean to insert my name or a derogatory moniker which you've assigned me?

What writer worth her salt would ignore public domain communication such as this? It's priceless.

I'd bet Balderdash & Verities their unlicensed phlebotomist that as busy as they are during flu shot season, I have the resources and tech savvy to bury them all.

Hey, no wonder I had such trouble concentrating in Assessments today....I just noticed I forgot to take my morning meds! Whoops! Hell, I still managed to interject Q&A in class more than most on the subject of standardized testing than the rest of the class while simultaneously chatting with Rob, Kate and writing the aforementioned blog post. The girl next to me was doing some online Xmas shopping. To the left, a girl was looking up dream analyses. We were dismissed half an hour early because he could tell no one was paying him an iota of attention anymore.

Ms. Blog Stalker has been the head crony at Balderdash & Verities since they booted the old manager (who was a pain in the ass but not vicious) during my tenure. My irreverent nature with all of the doctors (hey, they're just GUYS) irritated her, as some type of disrespect. I'm sorry, but just because you've earned an MD after your name doesn't entitle you to benefits and privileges that someone of like or higher intellect might harbor. The only one who understood and respected this was Guy. Recently, I gave him a copy of THE MOST difficult Russian-translated novel to read which is hilarious and stimulating if you have a deep brain, but he's still up in arms about Pete Townshend, so I haven't asked him about it.

Understand it was never my intention to cause riff raff at his mother's expense. I went to the wake because I love Guy. And I didn't start this shit storm either.

If anyone's familiar with the Clink Etiquette, it's the Henchwoman, who spent all her off time in the lab handwriting to her baby daddies in prison.

Very, you watch yo'self!

Andrea Miklasz said...

Ok, Blogger told me they're going in through a proxy, which continuously changes its IP, so I have no way to block it.

But I did answer Ms. BS's ", I see you still haven't stopped" text from tonight.

I said, "Pro writers with such rich material would be nuts not to capitalize on it. Meet you and Henchwoman under the auspice of a friendly catch up? Clearly you've forgotten that my posse's IQ quintuples that of anyone in the practice. Wake me up again at 4:45 am when I have class all day & a cease & desist order will be delivered. Guy's not your ally. Lady GuyGuy? I can't speak for. But seriously, why didn't y'all just club me when you had the chance? It's difficult enough to engage with someone with such a scant command of the English language. Sleep well!"

You see, we can all be Petty Demons when we choose to be. Wikipedia Fyodor Sologub when you're not stalking me.

Very Moon said...

Oh GOODNESS, thank you for reminding me (yet again) why you are like, my freakin' bosom buddy, in my brain, anyways. Mmmm mmm mmm.

Andrea Miklasz said...

7:09 am...verbatim.

Ms. BS: "you started all this not me talk about being junior high
Leave (Henchwoman) out of it
You slander everyone one

ME: "You invited (Henchwoman) out to lunch! I appreciate you waiting to inundate me with your whining until a more reasonable hour of the morning."

Ms. BS: "No u wrote on blog about me
No reason for that All I wanted to at lunch is wby u are so negative towards me u jumped to conclusions yourself u had Meg with u for support
(Henchwoman) didn't even no I put her name down to come we me but she is a true friend and would be by my side like Meg was for you and u slandered her so I never read your blog until u talk about me stop."

ME: "Meg was with me to support Guy. Now you're texting like you're sending a Western Union telegram. Stop."

A) She's the one who invited Henchwoman out to "lunch" with me in the first place so leaving her out of things seems sort of out-of-context.

B) If I "wrote on blog," I'm thinking of changing their pseudonyms to Hanz & Franz, since she's starting to sound like an illiterate Austrian.

C) She thinks Meg's name is Meg. That's awesome.

D) She's claiming she'll stop if I stop, and that I started it when in actuality she started it by inviting me out to lunch in the first place.

Very Moon said...

I woke my boyfriend up with my not so quiet cackling. Hans, (clap!) and Franz! They are here to (clap!) shut, (clap!) you up! Or try at least. Huckhuckhuck, ladies, I don't think so. They stand to lose infinitely more than you do. Are they completely ignorant to the status of unemployment out there? Are they taking stupid pills? This is better than an all girls high school drama club!

I almost feel bad for enjoying it so much sometimes. Wish I lived closer, I'd give them a run for the money. You seriously do not screw with my friends like they are screwing with you.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Mind you, I was Ambiened out at the time, but there was an additional exchange between me and Ms. BS last night:

ME: "How can you rationally & logistically imply I initiated contact when AT&T recorded that you initiated texting? You said, quote, "u know" when I asked why you wanted to meet. No, I didn't know I brought my best friend to support me at Guy's mom's wake, for Guy. I didn't see Henchwoman there supporting you. Dr. L. has the records of you logging onto my site from the office, tsk tsk."

Ms. BS: "U started it on the blog
U slandered at least five people (editor's note: speak now, or forever hold your peace!)
I am only trying to meet to try and resolve this issue a nice way and u twist things all around"

ME: "Night night. Ask Dr. L his opinion. You're counting people? You really need a new hobby. Leave me alone."

Ms. BS: "U started up tonight I have proof"

ME: I have a 7am (editor's note, it's 9am but I leave @ 7:15) research methods class, so I'd like to get a modicum of sleep."

[cut scene]

Very Moon said...

Okay, not only is it not slander, since you aren't debasing her character (she does that herself), it's not even shit talking. And it's like she's just throwing material at you. Stop!

Andrea Miklasz said...

For starters, she's confusing slander & libel.......stop.

And yes, "Laugh In" couldn't create skits this outlandish if their comedy writing team tried.

Anonymous said...


"Sock it to me!"

BMF & I have been away and have missed most of this fun.

Let us catch up & we'll weigh in with our no doubt highly anticipated, witty commentary.

Love W

BMF said...

I can certainly say these are some of the funniest exchanges I've read in a LONG time.

What's so remarkable is that she doesn't realize she's digging her own grave deeper with every exchange.

She wonders what in hell you were doing at Guy's mom's wake in the first place, especially if her absenteeism from reading the blog is valid.

Give me more time to reflect..

Very Moon said...

Had a shower, was thinking, wait, hello, freedom of speech? Stop.

I hope someone tells her to stfu on her own blog. Stop.

While I totally wish she would give you some peace, I'm gonna miss all the entertainment when she does, stop.

<3, stop!

(This horse won't die!)

Very Moon said...

At this point, Arlen is looking more like Billy.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Yeah, I mean, I'm a lot taller than Joe Pesci. Stop.

Rob Cheney said...

Just read all this through again I have a mental image of how both chief agitator and henchwoman look and sound and it's been highly entertaining reading. But at the end of the day they will never achieve anything
Apart from some great trans Atlantic entertainment for me at strange hours of the day

Have a great weekend all you offbeat drummers

Andrea Miklasz said...

Rob, they're all in old picture albums on FB if you want to see what they look like!

BMF said...

I've seen their pictures and they really are sort of gnarly and frighteningly unkempt.

I think the storm turned into a tropical depression when Annie said she sent the blog logs to the boss. Or did she?

Bottom line, Annie did NOT start this crap and while it's been juvenile and silly, it sure sounded like a lot of fun and I'm sorry I missed it!

Kate said...

Hey Buddy,
Hans and Frans want to have lunch at Chucky Cheese to be nice and resolve this issue. Is that what they expect everyone to believe? The very first text came after the wake from Hans. There was no issue to resolve .
FORGET THEM ! You have a brand new life and that must drive them nuts . You intimidate them . How is school going?
You are right , as a writer you couldn't invent this stuff!
Eric Fromm says people crave drama and if their lives are too boring , they do something to create drama. You and I are Drama Magnets. So are Yoko , Patti Smith , Courtney Love , and Maya Angelou , a woman I met who is so "phenomenal", you actually feel a force field around her.
As Emily Dickinson said," Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed".
Your strength and resiliency are always going to make other people jealous. Who cares? Have fun. That is all that matters after justice , love , etc.................

Andrea Miklasz said...

Thank you, Kate! Hello!?

You've succinctly summed up exactly what my first text point was in the beginning of my exchanges with her, and what I told Guy when I spoke with him the other night. I have a different, new life, and I have literally nothing to discuss with those simpletons.