Thursday, September 27, 2012

Moonlight Feels Right, Unless It's Wrong.

Women can form a friendship with a man very well; but to preserve it, a slight physical antipathy most probably helps.  --Nietzsche

Antipathy *would* help. Alas, there is nonesuch. 

An urgent message from The Offbeat Drummer and Her Heterosexually Progressive Female Pals: 

Hey, you guys. Listen. All of y'all. You collectively need to quit being so mind-blowingly hot. Or heart-crushingly cute. Or alluring. Or traditionally handsome. Or unconventionally bewitching. Or painfully beautiful. Or strapping and robust. Those of us who are young enough to still have hormones, which is, uh, all of my girlfriends (though I probably rank as the one with the fewest, but with the biggest, boldest mouth) are dying over here. Why are your eyelashes so naturally longer than ours, with your Atlantic Ocean blue or sweltering brown hues with which you gaze at us longingly?  (Not to disrespect the hazel and green-eyed men.  I just don't personally a) know any and b) I have a major thing for salt-and-pepper hair and blue or brown eyes.) And you all have such great hands. (I like hands a lot, myself. It's feet I can't stand.) 

And for the love of Christ, don't get new glasses that spark up your facial frame or like get in amazing shape or alter any other facet of your appearance without warning, that accentuate your genetically-predisposed sweltering hump-worthiness. 

Add to that charming, compassionate, witty, talented, rugged, humorous, cheeky, sensitive (most of you, anyway), lyrical, handy, helpful, wise, fit and/or strong, creatively gifted, with nice voices and interesting accents, generous, complimentary, bold, brazen, smart, crafty, seductive, older, younger or somewhere in the middle.

What am I trying to say in lots of words, and it's not just me being Me? Guys: sorry, but we want you.  You want us.  What is the big goddamn deal with that? I'm speaking as the 2nd in command in the Order of An Unfortunate Return to Virtual Virginity. I think Steven Hawking gets action more often than I do. 

Note: It's maddening. I don't need to ask for an "AMEN!" in the house of several of my girlfriends, because we're all on edge enough as it is. And, as my circle of friends of "all" genders* trade dunce caps in the giant ballroom with the sign at the entrance pointing to "IS THIS UTTER IRRATIONALITY?," I can't help but take to heart the wise words of a conversational exchange with an old Knox friend recently. He was an older, what Knox called "non-traditional" classmate of mine, who also majored in English. Actually, a few years older than Guy Friend. He lived through and enjoyed the free love of the 60's, remembers little of the 70's, and has continued to employ that philosophy in his life to the present day, even (and perhaps especially due to the fact) though he's happily married and for all intents and purposes, polyamory aside, lives a very comfortable, stable, "normal" and successful life and no, is not strung-out on booze or drugs.


(*A female classmate of mine, who sat next to me in Ethics this week, whispered to me during the professor's lecture, "There are 5 genders." Random, but I guess fit in with the topic du'jour. I can think of 3....male, female or transgender. What am I missing? I guess you could be like Morrissey and claim to be asexual (a point totally lost on my younger readers). I don't mean to sound mutliculturally ignorant, God forbid, at my school, but I seriously should've asked her what she meant. Given our washrooms at school are "male identified" and "female identified," shouldn't we thus have at least one extra bathroom for the declared gender-free/gender-neutral, gender-denials? Ok, side note. On the 2 floors of the school, as you go down the hallway, there are the 2 allotted washrooms, one for each, er, sex, BUT! They're opposites directionally on either floor. Imagine my blushing when, in a hurry, I flew into what *had* to be the "male identified" washroom, which I swiftly deduced after seeing urinals in the mirror reflection, whereupon I bolted out with my eyes closed, I think, without anyone of any gender seeing me. Only in afterthought did I realize I honestly *could've* peed in that bathroom, just claiming that I was feeling particularly masculine that day, which would've been an utter fib, especially given the fact that I'm not anorexically emaciated anymore and seemingly, all the weight I gained zeroed into my ample-as-it-already-was bust, the part of my body of which I'm the most horrifically self-conscious. Sorry, no, Larry Flynt, I'm not posting pictures.)


Anyway, my Knox friend's largest point in our dialog was something that I must say, I have found to be sociologically and biologically tested and proven experimentally throughout the course of my life, with both positive and negative results working both in and out of my favor, which is the evolutionary, primal notion that humans, despite Adam and Eve (who were NEVER married, by the way...where the fuck do you think the term "living in sin" came from anyway?), were unequivocally never meant to, um, mate with one person for life. Some religious doctrines point you towards lifelong monogamy, steeped in legal and ethical vows you take in a house of worship, in front of God, your friends and families, and, if you're lucky, the ex you never got over who's still in love with you and actually cuts the ceremony off when the minister asks if anyone objects...while other religions openly endorse winging it. Polyamory is the big, secret exception to an old-fashioned Puritanical ideal of what's socially acceptable and, for lack of a better term, correct.

Knox guy said something, I think, about the very tenet of, gasp, adultery being a moral "law" that's out of date (like everything ELSE in the Old Testament).  Perhaps it's a by-product of lots of us having liberal arts educations, or being bohemian free spirits. It could pertain to a lot of our "we all survived immeasurable shit and goddamnit, we're going to ENJOY life." 

Maybe my ever-growing, merry band of artists, writers, musicians and even religious-but-non-conservatives is just a big, bloody slathering of amoral, hell-bound, misguided, judged, sinful, corrupt, disgraceful, degenerate, evil motherfuckers who are out to break hearts and commandments far and wide, who have zero respect for the sanctity of tradition towards those who disagree with the sluts and philanderers we all must be. Hey, it's a free country (at least for now). 

My best friend's #1 Rule: NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

Ok. I didn't. I haven't. I flirt and woo, admittedly, but I leave the ball in the fella's court.

Nobody trips and falls into a new flirtationship alone. Eventually, you're hearing this: "Oh, I kissed you? I didn't mean to kiss you. But my lips just sort of landed on yours. You made me kiss you.  It was all your idea. I best get cleats just in case I slide across something and our DNA intersects more intimately next time, which would be a situation radically changing the entire course of our lives." Seduction and wooing are finely honed, deliberate attempts to surreptitiously intertwine what's actually an elating, steamy, fun and intense but different level of "friendship." That rush of passion could last a day or a few months. It could grow over the course of a few years. Sometimes, that level of, well, really super awesomeness can take almost 2 decades to explode outside of its eternal flame.

That's when things get complicated...having loving feelings for somebody who maybe appreciates us or thrillingly adores us more than what we're used to, who is shitpickles for us and hangs on our every word, while in our primary relationships, which may or may not be, generically, healthy and proper, the razor's edge of youthful love is but a memory, now settled into Sternenberg's Triangular Theory of Love...commitment but little physical intimacy, "complacent" or "companionate"  or even "empty love," of which I wrote some time ago. A lot of my friends are stuck in this rut, or were until their socks got knocked off by a new paramour. In the latter case, sometimes the object of such grand affection doesn't feel worthy of it, SO complacent in his/her (lack of) attractiveness and appreciation that they're lucky one or two people engage with them and make them smile on any given day.  The object of affection frequently underestimates how much the new person is attracted to them and has to process those feelings, often solitary. I certainly had that problem of low self-esteem and lack of confidence in my beauty, when Best Male Friend and I began our romance after many, many years as "just affectionate friends." We were openly affectionate towards one another and while we don't see one another very often, only a few times a year, we've at least shared a bed. To the average passerby, BMF and I, walking together, looked like young lovers ablaze with intrigue and I must say, as eluded to in the early paragraphs of this entry, Best Male Friend is One. Stunning. Looking. Man. Who. Is. Incredible. In. Every. Way. He is, next to Kate, the most interesting person I know. Still. I can't shake it.

Best Male Friend and his primary have an unwritten agreement about my role in his life. She does, though I don't like it really, refer to me as "his girlfriend."  He has his obligations, and as long as he keeps bringing home the bacon and respects his primary relationship, she really doesn't give too many shits about her husband being closely linked with someone else. And I wouldn't dream to fuck up what he's got at home. My best friend thinks I *could,* if I really, really wanted to, but I'm not so sure. Sure, we talk about running away together and have toyed with me moving closer to him to be with him, but I wouldn't uproot my own child's life for a lover any more than he would. On that we can agree, our fantasies in the clouds. 

I told Best Male Friend that I was going out the other evening with Guy Friend. I was irrationally nervous (mostly because of the overly-busty top I ended up covering with a long sweater, though I DID have my come-hither punk boots on, which Guy commented on for the second time...) and had to wait until pretty late in the evening for him to emerge from work to pick me up. Was chatting with BMF about Guy and tattooing, and how late Guy was running, and texted a couple girlfriends as I waited patiently, telling them that I had every intention of coming home with a new tattoo after dinner and would attempt to charm my way into it. BMF friend would once again complain about Guy the next day, shooting me an insulting text. BMF told me to play this song in the car for Guy, though this is really one of mine and BMF's signature songs, mostly because we both think it's really, really funny, especially the singer's sinister, laughing "Heh heh heh" at the end of every verse.

(Naturally, I had made a new CD for Guy Friend, but in the flurry of mild friendly petting when I got home, I forgot to give it to him. My brain sort of stops functioning in such situations. It's a great CD. Lou Barlow would love it. Next time.) 

Analyzing our evening in hindsight, I can almost objectively pick out nuances and the obvious. We went Ethiopian, for food, in the same neighborhood as the tattoo studio. (Food was strange but decent, I guess. And you eat with your hands, so there's a lot of strange finger-licking goodness to the experience.) I was surprised that he picked me up having changed out of his dress shirt from work, which would've been entirely fine at the restaurant. He actually wore the same shirt that I told him I liked, which he wore when he met BMF. (And yes, he was wearing new glasses which looked very nice. I think he's just crazy cute.) Distracted probably by hunger, tiredness and whatnot, neither of us touched one another until I asked him for a hug in the parking lot when we got to the restaurant, over which he cooed, but he always does that and I'm not sure he's aware of it or not.  Dinner and chatting with us is never a problem. It's a LOT of fun, and we have a lot to talk about, except now we have a whole other level of discussion topics that center around our careers and my study as a mental health provider, both of us being in the "helping professions." I can talk to him about reading a journal article on Factor V Leiden, a rare blood disorder my ex-husband has, and logically explain the genetics of it, and my son's predisposition to present with the illness in his lifetime. All very interesting stuff that frankly, BMF and I couldn't talk about, so I can see right there the "you-get-me-this-certain-way" mechanic that Guy fulfills that BMF can't. Likewise, BMF and I have a ton of stuff Guy would never understand to talk about. 

Surprisingly, Guy asked me if, during my graduate studies, I'll take a course on sexuality. I nearly choked hearing THAT word come out of HIS mouth. I said no, but that LGBTQ rights were spread across the spectrum of the school's curriculum, and I wasn't sure how to answer his question:  1) Why do you ask? Do you HONESTLY think I *need* a class on sexuality? 2) And this is important WHY, exactly? 3) I think you need another beer. 4) Sexuality is a pretty broad term. Could you narrow your question down? and finally, "I'm pretty sure I've had imaginary, mind-blowing sex with you in my dreams, in fact I'm sure I have, but I'd never tell you that to your face" and besides, I quite honestly haven't even ventured into thinking much about that remote chance of experience in the context of Guy, who all my friends tell me it's factual that he most likely has or had similar fantasies during the years we've known one another. (Like he'd ever admit to that either! May God strike him down!) Best Male Friend is, um, a LOT more communicative and open about what he envisions or wants, so at least it's not a guessing game of pure speculation and me wondering if he finds me attractive, because I know BMF totally does.

After dinner, we pit stopped (er, I did, I don't know if he did) and I begged him to take me to the Tattoo Factory, which he denied me. I played the spoiled brat card. Didn't work. I played the "I'm not leaving this restaurant!" card. Wouldn't budge. In the washroom, I ripped off my nicotine patch and whether he liked it or not, and I hate to smoke in front of him, I lit up because I was MIFFED in the moment. He tried explaining that it was simply too late, he was too tired, and that he'd need to both mentally and physically prepare to go there with me again, but that perhaps we could do it in early October, which I said was a decent compromise. Then I said, "Really? With all of my womanly charms, you still won't go?" 

He laughed and said, "I thought we were just friends." As I was smoking, I think I said something like, "We are just friends. Yeah, Guy, I'm so sure."  He laughed more. We were both unwilling to elaborate and "Ha ha ha'd" our way through the issue. "That'll be, like, decades' worth of more therapy for THAT part of it, Guy," I replied. He laughed more.  He wanted to know the specifics of my next tattoo, so I told him what it would be, where it was going, that it'd be black, and what it meant to me. (The Sanskrit symbol/word for "mindfulness.") I didn't realize my body art was up for a peer review, but I told him anyway. 

We had a philosophical discussion about Christianity, religion, and a woman's right to choose (which he's all for, even as a Catholic), as I mentioned there'd been some tension in my world about at the moment, about socio-political opinions, on our way home. Pulled into my alley, when he intertwined my hand in his in my lap. He was talking about my life philosophy of seizing the day or the moment, because tomorrow's not a guarantee, in the context of his own life and mostly, his career, from which he still garners a lot of satisfaction even when maybe only 1 or 2 people will seem to have been helped by him on any given day. I said I never disputed his happiness (and whether he meant it in a broader sense to include his personal life, I don't know) nor did I demand that he change to meet my needs. I do, in fact, have no desire to de-stabilize the life he's leading. If anything, I just want to (and I think I already do) augment it.

My life and that of my close friends is nothing if not utterly fascinating to Guy Friend, because it's SO different from what his life is like. I like to invite Guy into my culture and expose him to new things and while he said he has to be "mentally and physically prepared" to go to the Tattoo Factory, at least he's willing to take me again. He said, "You'll get it either with or without me." I said, "But I want to get it with YOU," which was a larger, open-ended statement in which I reaffirmed how I felt about him. Yes, there are a number of people I could venture into Uptown with, like Pastor Dave and his niece, who want to go, but scheduling with them is really rough and Guy knows I want to hold his hand the most. 

Best Male Friend was inquired about, but I only spoke of him briefly at dinner, and intimated before I got out of Guy's car that pretty much everyone who knows me (including Best Male Friend) can't figure out why I haven't run off with BMF yet, and continue to want to be around a guy like Guy. It's not just a distance thing, though that is a mitigating factor. I don't just love Guy because he lives closer. The two men are at polar opposite ends of the spectrum and would probably agree on one thing alone: that they both love me and want me to be happy. (Well, that and that they think I'm cute, probably. I honestly don't know.) 

Regaled some of my experience further with the swinging Knox friend, who's coming to town soon, incidentally, who, like everyone else, thinks Guy is confused and afraid (though he forgot guilty), which is OK. Talk to me about it. Affectionate friends negotiate. Not that I'm sleeping with EITHER of these guys, nor is that on the table, Knox guy said of both Guy and Best Male Friends, "Women fuck who they want. Men fuck whoever lets them. Given the situation, I'd say either he can't see what's in front of his face, or he's afraid. The other true statement? A woman chases a man until he catches her. So if Guy is not catching, he ain't payin' attention." 

Pretty much. He did kiss me. I should've kissed him again. Great. Next time he picks me up, he'll be wearing a suit of armor.


best male friend said...

Looks like I lost.

Andrea Miklasz said...

1. It's not a contest and I'm not anyone's fucking door prize.
2. You need to learn how to play nicely or I will send you to a corner like a child where you can pout until you're over it.
3. I told him.
4. Get over it. I love you too.

best male friend said...

When I said that Guy rubbed me the wrong way the other day, I honestly meant it.

I'm sorry I lashed out at him again via the phone texts, but it happens. I am sorry. I'm going public as admitting I have a jealous streak in case Guy Friend reads this blog, which was on-target. Trying to entertain the idea of polyamory to a strict, brainwashed Catholic is never going to work.

And if Guy Friend feels "flattered" by your love and attention, and especially what you said in your blog about me, I guess I should feel triumphant. (I'm really not all that interesting, by the way.)

I'm glad we had a chance to hear one another's voices tonight. That helped. I absolutely hate to see you so sad, Annie. That's the tough part about being so open and wearing your heart on your sleeve. You're no bull. And sometimes you get hurt or get your heart broken. Chris? I wanted to fucking kill. Guy Friend? Your Knox friend is dead on right. He didn't appreciate at all what he has in you and what you brought into his life. Him, I want to just slap.

Like I told you tonight, it's utterly absurd to think that Guy Friend doesn't think you're hot. He wouldn't know the first thing about how to what to do with a beautiful, young woman who sparkles every room she walks into and blows everyone away. You have to start seeing yourself the way the people who love you see you. If Guy Friend can't see in you what the rest of us see in you, he's fucking blind and really stupid.

Try and get some sleep and remember there's no one else like you in the world.

Maybe now I'll finally get my poem from you?

(Just don't work on it tonight. Go to bed.)

I love you so much. Forever. xoxoxoxox

Andrea Miklasz said...

Yes, thanks for the phone chat tonight and it's now 5 am and I still can't sleep. Too much mental stimulation before trying to rest. Remedying it with an entire pot of coffee. By 9am, I should be dead ass asleep, especially if I have a bowl of cereal. :(

Sometimes your texts ripping on Guy Friend are just ouchy harsh, BMF. If you can approach me and Guy Friend too with understanding that we're friends, we'll be ok. I don't like that he and I hang out, especially when you're traveling and out of sorts. But he's my buddy.

Guy's call into me tonight before Luke's therapy was ill-timed, and he changed subjects to Wounded Warriors projects for veterans as a TOTAL AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUE.

After promising Monday night that he would, indeed, take me for a tattoo during the week when my mom is on vacation and Luke is with Craig because of my school schedule, he's back on the fence about it and says he's not promising anything.

A quote for Guy Friend: "You broke my heart into smithereens, and that took genius." --Warren Zevon

Yeah, IMHO, the "I'm flattered" line is a blanket statement we all use when we don't have any feelings or attraction to one another. So this blog was almost 90% moot in the first place. It's like "It's nice that you like me, and you're kind to show interest with me, but I honestly don't want to be around you very much." It's as bad as "It's not you, it's me." FYI, in this particular scene w/Guy Friend, it IS him and NOT ME.

BMF, I am almost done with an entire pot of coffee, am wide awake and it's 5:30 am. Hoping to crash by about 9, but if I don't, it's early beddie bye for me, fo' sho'.

best male friend said...

Did you sleep?

I didn't get much sleep.

Had to be up early.

Andrea Miklasz said...

I crashed at about 9:45-10:00 and slept until noonish, I think. I quit eating again, for like the last few days. After having discussed matters in spurts with you, BMF, SuperJuls, and Kate, I wrote a comprehensive and (surprisingly, given the sleep deprivation) accurate email in sequential numbers of every way he's pretty much lied overtly or led me on this whole time.

Let's just say I made good utilization of the word "repugnant" multiple times.

Anonymous said...

Who was it that said, "Flattery will get you nowhere?"

What did Guy Friend say?

Andrea Miklasz said...

I think it's "flattering" when I get carded to buy cigarettes at age 40.

But someone loving me, whose affection I openly return, just to say I don't feel the same way? That's not being "flattered." That's "bullshit."

best male friend said...

I've been working on my rebuttal all day!

Do let us know if you hear from Dr. Marvelous about the email.

Flattery: "This is delicious tilapia!" (And it really is. I know, with you, bad example.)

Did you ever ask him what he did with the Irish dirtbag from his birthday? The one his Mrs. liked so much? I hope he used it to bury a statue of the Patron Saint of Bullshit" in it.


Andrea Miklasz said...

You know, I keep forgetting to ask him what they did with the Irish dirtbag at their sprawling surburban compound.

Guy Friend was pretty (via email, anyway) impressed with it. The missus thought it was an insult. She didn't get the irony. Probably because she's a nurse. Nurses historically lack wit but are better than junkies with needles.

He told me he's been reading all these history books about wine and wine countries, blah blah. He never said if he read the coffee table book I gave him for his birthday that Jim DeRo and Greg Kot wrote about The Beatles vs. The Stones. I read most of it after my hysterectomy, but if he's just going to toss it aside with every other gift I've wholeheartedly given him, save me $50 and give it back to me, ya know?

I know, I hear it all the time. I'm too generous.

best male friend said...

Note: You're on a fixed income now. No more grandiose gifts to people who don't appreciate them with their hearts.

If you sent him my open letter, I doubt you'll hear from him for some time. I'd ask Dave & Chloe about going for the ink & while I know you're really disappointed & sad about it, I spoke my mind and heart, as you read.

He's definitely worthy of the full on "Run of the Mill."

Andrea Miklasz said...

After he forgot my birthday, I put "Isn't It a Pity" on a CD for him, but that song only really applies if you break someone's heart whom you, yourself, actually love.

If he doesn't love me, it's kind of pointless. No?

Anonymous said...

"If he doesn't love me, it's kind of pointless. No?"

It would be pointless, if he didn't love you. Which we all know is a pile of horse fertilizer.

The whole situation would be cut and dried if what words came out of his mouth bore any resemblance to his actions.

I read my best friend's essay to Guy Friend, and he's right about the vast majority of points he put on the table (including the fact that I, too, am a little bit in love with you...I am.)

BMF explained to me what GF said to you on the phone. IF, and only IF, that was how he truly felt, and that your feelings for him were as simple as "flattering, but you know...I'm just not into you," or however he tripped up the words, the teenage boys who play basketball pickup games on my corner have smoother moves with the girls in the neighborhood than GF does, and he's been at this HOW long?

Either he's never had a different piece of ass other than his wife in his whole life, or he saw you as a fun, flirty thing, but once he got to know you the way "we" know you, and that you're more like what you see when you look at all of the colors radiating out of a prism, he freaked out.

BMF feels better now that his head is clear. You're probably still a nervous wreck. It'd be really easy for me to say "forget about him" but you won't. I'd bet a whole bunch on GF at the very least lusting after you in his mind. Just don't forget--if his wife's a nurse, and good w/needles, she's also probably used to using a scalpel.

Love, Your Heady Fwend

Andrea Miklasz said...

Ok. I got a two-sentence reply from GF about BMF's letter to him.

"Annie: The letter from (BMF) is fascinating. You should treasure it and keep it forever. (GF)"

So congrats, BMF! Your hours of perilous writing weren't for naught. And of course I'll keep it forever.

Honest to Christ. That's all he had to say about it. Speaking of tilapia, BMF, I think the fish analogy at the end was lost on him. If it wasn't, he didn't elaborate.

best male friend said...

Are? You? Fucking? Serious?

That right there is 4 sentences, at least.

Anonymous said...

That was heavy shit, Annie. Maybe he just needs more time to process it. Then he'll write back.

That's possibility #1.

Possibility #2: He honestly could give a shit and wants you to spend your life pending BMF's eventual availability.

Either way, I'm sure you're not pleased right now.

Andrea Miklasz said...

I think he deliberately avoided answering any of BMF's questions, which were on all of our minds, really, not just mine of BMF's.

I'll give him a few days to process. I'm just chilling out until then.

best male friend said...

I don't know if they were so much questions as points of contention, or errs in things he has previously claimed. Or me just being frustrated trying to stand up for you.

PS, I do NOT like your new Facebook profile picture. You know it's not true, dummy.

best male friend said...

Oh. "Isn't it a Pity" is really more a generalization about how all humans take and take from one another and don't give back. It's not about romantic love, either. It's about being human, so it could be family, friends, lovers, anyone.

There are so many songs on "ATMP" that have so many practical applications to my life with you, your life with me, Guy, your friends, all-the-gods, your family..but I know which 2 are your favorites.

Andrea Miklasz said...

What I'd call your point/counterpoint with Guy was a revelation of inconsistencies that spanned a long period of time that you honestly wanted answers about, which he didn't, or can't, or won't talk about.

I dunno, "ATMP" is such a great album from start to finish that even narrowing down 2 would be hard.

BMF, I'm sorry if you don't find my FB profile picture "flattering." But at least I'm not in the picture. That was the whole point.

Anonymous said...

Just so we have our facts clear here:

1. He forgot your birthday entirely.
2. He brought his wife to your birthday party, uninvited, much to your surprise, as you hadn't met her before, from which you nearly collapsed with fright, and she was kind of..."not nice."
3. He was 2 hours late for dinner last week and wouldn't take you to the tattoo place.
4. You love him despite all of that.
5. Now you feel so crappy that (yes, he showed me) your facebook profile picture is a simple statement about how ugly you are?

Is that correct, Andrea?

Andrea Miklasz said...

In re: to your statements, Anyonymous Thin Man:

1. He forgot your birthday entirely.
True. I texted him at 11:30 the night of my b'day (which is only 4 days after his)voicing my disappointment that he'd forgotten.

2. He brought his wife to your birthday party, uninvited, much to your surprise, as you hadn't met her before, from which you nearly collapsed with fright, and she was kind of..."not nice."

True. He RSVP'd and said, "I'm coming," not "we're coming," so I had no preparation. She declined my party game, refused to enter the only room in my house that's uniquely my own w/everyone else, announced that she was going to "empty her bladder" in front of us and said that my parakeet's name wasn't nice.

3. He was 2 hours late for dinner last week and wouldn't take you to the tattoo place.

True. I was grateful to have had the opportunity to squeeze about 2 hours of his time in the last 3 months.

4. You love him despite all of that.

Yes, because I am really, really, really stupid.

5. Now you feel so crappy that (yes, he showed me) your facebook profile picture is a simple statement about how ugly you are?

Yes. By "he," you mean BMF. True. BMF thinks I'm "stunning," which means he really should get checked for cataracts. BMF is stunning. Objectively. So are you. I simply made a very attractive child once.

best male friend said...

I should've written the cardiologist a "Top 10 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With PTSD....Especially in 'Oh, by the way...' Contexts To People Struggling With Self-Esteem Issues, Over the Phone."

If his Mrs. insulted your parakeet, you should've thrown them both out of your house.

See, this shows you how clueless these kinds of people are. She just plain ol' didn't like you, Annie, and wanted you to know it. You told me you were wearing "those boots" that night and I've seen the dress. You were, no doubt, one hot threat. I mean it.

"Flattery" would be "Oh, Nitwit! That's cute, why did you name him/her that?" even if she thought it was a stupid name (which it isn't).

Girlfriend, you've had parakeets named Ringo and Zappa. Your pet-naming skills (and those of Luke) are fucking awesome.

Anonymous said...


Andrea Miklasz said...

She's coming, she's coming. Hold your horses.

best male friend said...

Tell Kate my best friend and I are still waiting to hear from her.

Yesterday was rough for me. Kate would understand why!

I'm sure you didn't hear from Dr. Marvelous, right? You would've said something.

Time to make breakfast!
Love you xoxoxo

Andrea Miklasz said...

I broke down and texted GF a brief missive about how brief his missive was re: BMF's lengthy letter. I don't expect an answer. The collective is that he tends to "avoid the elephant in the room."

Andrea Miklasz said...

Black Sabbath's "War Pigs" was AWESOME background music by which to read case studies.

America's "Lonely People?"


Kate said...

Sorry it took me so long. I had my own disaster to disentangle myself from. Something I had been trying to teach you Andrea for years . If someone is a real ,total butt wipe to you , cut them and run. The Doctor is disgusting .He saw you , figured he'd get some quick tail but fell in love with you. His huge ego ,( the only thing huge and not all wrinkles and saggy ) could not take the bow that your BGF was the gorgeous , rival nobody could compete with .
That turd does not deserve all these words written about him.
Andrea , Snap out of it! With BGF and Anonymous writing those things about you WHAT MORE DO YOU WHAT? I would do anything for five minutes with either one of them and instead I am building my own version of " It's a Small World After All". Which sucks by the way because you can't tell how stupid or brilliant someone is if they don't understand English no matter what other talents they might possess.
You said you wanted him because you couldn't have him. That's childish . I am not an Adler School student but this is all about his father letting your father die. You are way too precious for him to even walk on the same ground as you do. Your talent is huge and you know who you really love . If this were the last day on earth who would you want to spend it with? Not him. He's a jerk .We hate men like him. You have to love yourself. I learned to , so anyone can after all the crap that happened to me. I know where you are coming from. You know I do. He is not worth your time.
Now these other two , you lucky wonderful beautiful woman , read what they wrote . They are at the top of the sexual attraction food chain. The pinnacle! The absolute best. Turn your back on that piece of outdated cheese and look ahead. You have two gallant knights defending you. Accept their support. Save your love for the truly special people in this world. They are so rare. Treat them like the wonderful , miraculous , amazing , one in a million,
gifts they are.
Forget the old horny doctor. If I had a penny for every old horny doctor I have encountered I would be wealthy.
I love you Andrea , this is another way of hurting yourself. Stop it . You are doing great! I am so proud of you! Keep your eyes on your Knights. ( I Do!)
Never look back.
Love, Kate

Kate said...

One more thing. Andrea you say "isn't that harsh?" You told someone I was downright cruel , which I am. Life is harsh. Not so much out in the suburbs , but we have had two shootings on my mom's street this week. I know you are serious about your church. I am in my own way , I look up and think look what they did to him. John Lennon says it much better than I can.
All I am trying to say is if someone treats you bad , you Andrea , they deserve to be treated harshly by me.

best male friend said...

Hi Kate!

You are too kind and beautiful. My best friend and I think we're kind of scummy looking, personally. But the pinnacle of the sexual attraction food chain? Definitely not worthy of such an honor. You haven't seen how I neglect my nose hair. :)

Annie said I was being harsh in the texts I sent her about GF, and I usually am, because I don't like him. I didn't see where she said you were cruel, or did she say that to you not online? If you did, Annie, why would you say that Kate's cruel? She's honest and no bullshit, but you're no bullshit either, Annie.

My initial comment on this blog was childish. But it sounded to me like Annie decided she was going to pursue GF, and untie me, even though I've told her 1,000 times he's not happening, and while she knows my situation is likewise dramatic and kind of impossible, it's always been my opinion that we don't get to choose who we fall in love with. It just happens.

I completely agree with you, Kate, that GF saw her as a cute piece of ass to flirt with (on HIS terms, nevermind how she felt, then he helped get her ass dragged out of work, which turned out to be the healthiest thing for everybody in the long run) but he fell in love with her and vice versa. (Him w/her? I can clearly see why. She with him? Woman has her own reasons, and I wasn't in the position to judge.) GF can blabber on about how he's not interested in Annie until he convinces himself it's true, either that, or his old lady's really got him by the balls.

As I told GF in my letter to him, what I can't reconcile in my mind is why he told her he loved her and all that other shit if he didn't. That's pretty bad and I know it was confusing to Annie and breaking her heart.

Is it weird that my best friend's attraction to Annie doesn't bother me at all but GF's drives me insane?

Annie filled in some of the blanks last night about you as of late, so I'm trying to piece together your comments contextually.

Move over, Ms. Annie. There's a new Madame Shitpickles in town.

Love to you both,

best male friend said...


"I Love You In the Same Way I'd Love a Vodka-Soaked Tampon Right About Now" is the best blog title you've ever written, and what's triple the fun? I know you so intimately to know that in your many decades of menstruation, you've never once used an actual tampon, which I'm sure you wanted the whole world to know.

You must feel so much better now that you know that GF is ignoring everyone in his life right now, though he didn't rate you with precisely how low on the attention food chain you actually fall.So like don't take it personally. It's like "Dancing with the Douchebags."

Andrea Miklasz said...

Yes, as per my most recent blog, Guy implied that because he's working such long hours for something like 3 weeks straight, with a bleak break in the distance, that "you have a lot of company in the ignored category."

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW. At least it's nothing personal, as was implied last week, when he broke my heart in 18 places.

Anonymous said...

GF's text to you sounds cocky to me.

Rephrased? "You're so not special to me that I've lumped you with everybody else I'm ignoring because I'm too busy."

Has BMF ever said that to you?

Anonymous said...

BMF, you're not threatened by my love for your lady friend, which isn't at all threatening, because you know I'd never interfere with your relationship with her. GF, I think, you fear would sweep her off her feet and she'd run off with him and leave you in the dust in the meantime.

Andrea, seriously. What IS IT about GF that you find so endlessly fascinating? Like I said before, I can see why he'd fall for you, but I just can't see why you'd fall for him.

The thrill of the chase?

That goes back to the blog itself and what your college friend had to say, which made perfect sense.

Jenny said...

AMEN KATE !!!!!!!

Exactly Annie, Get over it !! I love you too

Andrea Miklasz said...

He's all mad and ticked off and offended by me and my bohemian liberal pals airing our personal laundry in an electronic world, when he's used to and prefers complete privacy (which he evidently has with his sudden mention of a bevy of other "women friends" who don't lead public lives).

Read: we're all grossly immature and equate love affairs as games.

I don't expect to hear from him any time in the remote near future. He's "reconciling" his anger towards me in his head with, I guess, I don't know, how I feel about him. As a matter of fact, I don't understand exactly what he's reconciling.

best male friend said...

GF's offense at our public, let's say, "exploration and dissection" of interpersonal relationships online, is definitely a generation gap, and like you told me, a pretty major one.

It's like the two of you have to learn to coexist in totally different worlds, which I think is why there's an attraction there.

He can be as mad at me for what I said as he chooses to be but that's no reason to take that out on you or punish you. Bold truth is painful. But he's mad at you and used examples of his other female friends (who appeared out of nowhere, my God, no wonder he has no free time!) who don't lead public lives? I guess we've grossly underestimated his prowess and desirability. Are you anything like his other female friends? I sort of doubt it.

Are you immature? You can be. So can I. It's common in people like us. Your ferocity is equally matched to your timidness and child-like qualities.

I'll call you tonight. Don't do anything rash as combat (which I HATE when you do!). You tend to retaliate by hurting yourself in order to make other people feel bad. Like Kate was saying, it's another way you hurt yourself and you shouldn't do that. It's not worth ANY of us.

Love you. I mean it.

Andrea Miklasz said...

BMF: I'd been in love with you for 17 years before we entered into and consummated a romantic relationship. I didn't put my life on hold for you, that's for sure. I waited.

I don't know why I love GF so much. I really don't. Kate asked me to write a list of 10 things I loved about him, so I did. I could come up with 10 reasons why. With you, BMF, I could list 100 things.

I don't understand why GF is SO hung up on the verbiage of "soulmates." He told me that BMF and I were soulmates, and I sould concentrate on that. I've said it many times before that I believe we all have more than one soulmate in life, in different contexts, for different reasons, who appear in our lives for a certain amount of time.

My only observation is a self-fulfilling prophecy that any man, ANY one, I have feelings for will ultimately leave me. My female soulmate bunch is only a few fingers worth of women. I prefer the company of men. Why is "soulmate" so important to GF?

I've slipped into a full-blown depression, got zero work done today, and napped for 3 hours. It's like I can't get enough sleep. I can't concentrate. This open-ended "See you sometime, talk to you later" attitude GF has towards me, as he's "reconciling" God knows what, will kill me.

I can't remember which one of you men said that we can't choose who we fall in love with--it just happens. (I think it was BMF.) That's certainly true. If I could turn my emotions into logic, and be cold-blooded, I would, I think.

But my heart is too big.

Anonymous said...

Your heart is HUGE, Andrea.

Please do not fault yourself for Guy Friend's feelings (or lack thereof). Go back and read what your Knox friend said.

You certainly have had your heart broken more times than just about anyone else I know, which I know, hurts like hell. But you had to see this coming down the road sooner or later. It was never meant to "Work out."

As for the soulmate comments, I don't know. Is he trying to convince himself his wife is his soulmate? Or one of these other mystery women? I don't know why he's so hung up on your and BMF being soulmates. Like, how does he define that?

BMF said...

I was right about Kate's soulmate. It wasn't Hay Caramba, either. I fucking had that nailed. YOU'RE WELCOME, PEOPLE.

Annie, don't threaten me with hitting up old(er) rock star flames. The Welsh-Not-Tom-Jones has a local edge on me, admittedly, and he's a total cad and any guy who wants to paint you also wants to seduce you. But let's see...Annie...before he went all gray and got chubby, he had dark hair and blue eyes...(looking in mirror). Hmm.

Oh, it's pure coincidence that you dated a punker who just happens to live fucking 15 minutes away from you, that you'd ALSO wanted since you were like 19.

I'll bet the good doctor hasn't heard THAT story.

Anonymous said...

Andrea, name one guy that you've set out to land that you didn't ultimately land. (Not That) Bill Wyman doesn't count, because you were engaged to Craig and he was an older gentleman. But he had his eye on you. Totally. Now that I think about it in retrospect, the amount of energy in a room filled with you, me, (Not That) Bill Wyman, BMF and our female companions? How did that not manage to turn into a Russ Meyer-worthy orgy?

Miss "Vivienne", I have been alerted to your pseudonym and shall reference you as such in the rest of my further correspondence. I apologize for my unavailability yesterday. Side job. Feel free to message me here. Don't be shy.

Do yourself a favor and spare Guy Friend the lengthy list of notches on your rock star belt. MAYBE had he seen "Deep Throat," but definitely not if.

Andrea Miklasz said...

I was talking to (Not That) Bill recently, and he was like, "I've known Andrea forever." That made me feel....really fucking old. My fiance/husband was SO envious of him, because he had the job Craig wanted most in his life.

I spotted (Not That) Bill at Lounge Axe in 1993 and decided I wanted to meet him, and I did. I got a job working for him.

Awkward Not-Tom-Jones moment? Running into him w/his family at the gelato place in uptown Park Ridge. "Oh, hi." (I was with my mom, for crying out loud.)

Wow, what a bad time for the Grateful Dead's "Ripple" to shuffle in iTunes. It's a Guy Friend song. I miss that asshole. [sobs]

Andrea Miklasz said...


I couldn't land the doctor. Did you see my blog referencing him and how I *don't* want to have sex with him? I just want to sleep with him. If sex was all I was looking for, hey, I don't know. Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend and I don't. That's sort of gravely sickening. My (ex) husband was right about one thing: There's no stopping me until I get exactly what I want. And he knows me better than all of y'all.

It has nothing to do with female prowess, either. It's not a matter of pride. I was cute at 20. I've been told I'm a force of nature at 40. I didn't let myself go, unlike most of my same-aged friends.

BMF saw half of my surgical scars and didn't appear to mind. Now I have half a dozen more. And I don't weigh 113 pounds anymore. Anorexic panic!

You have to understand where I'm coming from. The man I married and with whom I bore a child wasn't attracted to me. Forging a positive self-image since that deep scar and wound has been really, really difficult. I go to school with a bunch of youngsters youthful enough to be my children; I, their parents' ages.

Guy Friend's rejection is aimed directly at my esteem core. While he's off "reconciling," I'm trying to piece together him telling me I looked beautiful if, in fact, he was repulsed by the very idea of me. It's a weird scar--BMF and his friend (and anyone else) can tell me how beautiful I am, but if I don't believe it from the man who's interest I vainly attempt to pique the most strongly, it's kind of moot.

BMF said...

Fanny be tender!

When I met you, when you were 20, you had a unique look and you apologized for nothing. The night we met, you had on a green and yellow mohair cardigan with some unmatched t-shirt and jeans, and if the breeze blew your hair a certain way, you could see it was shaven underneath. You were so unique, even in the grunge era.

My wife is typical of "my type." Always has been. But don't look like anyone. I couldn't dopplegang you if I tried. Bullshit if Guy Friend hasn't gazed into those connemarma marble-green eyes, like a good Irishman should. Maybe at your next appointment at Lenscrafters, get contacts.

Don't reconnect with Jon. You know it's out of retaliation against Guy Friend. I know you're like freaking out because Honey Boo Boo's mom has a boyfriend and you don't. But you're nobody's simple "girlfriend." Not mine, not Guy Friend's, not anybody's.

Going back to GF suggesting you and I should be together because we're soulmates, I can't tell you why he's so hung up on that term. When you told him "Tatus" meant "Daddy," he asked you if it meant "soulmate," and you said it didn't. I'm not him--I can't tell you what significance he associates with that name.

But anyone worth their salt would at, the very least, have compassion that, like you said in other blogs, his dad failed at saving your dad. I can't pretend to know what it's like to hold someone's life in my hands, and in retrospect, no, I don't think GF is friends w/you out of pity or obligation. Just as you're not YOUR dad, Tim's not HIS dad. Granted, the two of you intersecting is a rare oddity as the offspring of these two men.

All that being said, he should be kinder to you. And smooch you a lot. 'Cause you're beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Guy'll come around eventually.

He might be clueless, but from what we all know of him, he's not just a total jerk (to you).

You need a big, huge hug. You've had a week and then some.

Thank God you have Vivienne.

Anonymous said...

Oh, hey, Andrea?

With all due respect, have you SEEN Honey Boo Boo's mom's boyfriend? And have you looked in the mirror recently?

Luke's coming home tonight, right?

Again, thank you to Vivienne for talking Andrea through last night. I was happy to pick up the line later on. What time'd you go to bed Andrea?

Andrea Miklasz said...

Some time around 4am and got up at 8am.

Vivienne said...

To BMF and Anonymous ,
BMF , you are hilarious in a way that only really, really smart people get. I couldn't stop laughing at your name for my , um , new friend . You are right about that situation. However , unlike Annie , I don't want to be just held , or listened to , or have some guy do fun things with me ,-the reasons Andrea gave me for why she loved TOC. You were right , I did what I did to get my husband's attention because our story is really unbelievable and so is he. What caught me off guard was my new friend's very , very good techniques . I am a painter and after painting all day when my husband is gone for the week I don't want complications , commitments, no "I love you's",. I've made it clear our friendship is all about one thing we are both good at.
Why did you have to go and be so damn funny? You are already at the top of the SFC! When you tell Annie your best friend has a little crush on her , she knows I have an adult attraction to you . I am always telling her how incredibly lucky she is and if your attention doesn't give her higher self esteem , what will? I am so mad at GF I am planning on flying to Chicago one day and just walking up to the weasel and asking him what the hell he was thinking when he played those mind games on Annie.
Reading what you write is always fascinating. We both love her , and I hope you know I have never understood what she sees in him, except the father connection. Believe me , she is not in love with him , but she is with you.
Now on to Anonymous ,
Your suits fascinate me and I had a very naughty question about them for you. Then I just found out you were a painter! Why didn't someone mention this sooner? Now I have so many serious question about your artwork. Is there anywhere I can post them so that all of Annie's fans don't read them?
I enjoyed your NPR piece. My friend does interviews for them and I did the recording once. I wish NPR was less warm and fuzzy and more edgy.
Let me know if you want the suit question posted here.
To the both of you, thank you for loving Annie . I know it is easy but a lot of morons miss out on that , she intimidates the hell out of most guys.


Anonymous said...


I'm sort of a computer illiterate, when it comes right down to it. If you have questions for me, I'm happy to enlighten and answer. Just email Annie and I'll get back to you. I'd prefer to do it that way, if that's workable for you.

I'm not on Facebook. I guess I'm closer to Guy Friend's generation on that one. I just don't have the time. I don't spend much time online, just Twitter here and there.

Have Annie send you the link to see some of my artwork. It's not as classical as yours. I have no formal training. Caution: vaginas play an important role.

It's ok for Annie and I crush on each other. It's not behind anyone's back. It's kind of part of "our culture" and is commonplace. You're not looking for a replacement for your husband or wife. But it's fun. (Until it gets ugly, like with Guy Friend...don't get me started.)

Your hair looks like sunshine.


BMF said...

I think it's partly a long-distance thing. Guy Friend's in Chicago. And Annie would go running after him. BTW, you didn't hear from him recently, right? What's with that? You didn't get your tattoo while your mom and Luke were gone. Sorry, sweetie..

"Vivienne" (which is a very pretty nickname), I don't know what to say. People like us (generally lumped together) have very different on love, sex and loyalty than traditional people do. I totally knew you were trying to get your husband to pay attention, as rightly he should. Is he nuts or something? Anyway, I'm happy if you're happy.

Annie's not happy. She's exhausted and depressed. I hate to see that in her and I want her to be on cloud nine. I love her SO much. She's MY girl, not Guy Friends, but if what makes her happy is to try and be with him, I respect that. I'd be lying to her if I made promises I couldn't keep right now (know what I mean?) I'm glad, at least, that she saw her psychiatrist and therapist this week. She's under so much pressure w/school and Luke that some days, I don't have any idea how she does it. My own wife has lots of struggles taking care of our (much younger) kids when I'm on the road, but that's the nature of my profession.

I don't know why GF was so mean to her in his email the other night (which she shared with me). I would never, ever turn her away if I knew she was in crisis, or a danger to herself.

Not only am I not mad that my best friend loves Annie. Because I see in her, as he does, how wonderful she is, which you think she is too.

The next step is to convince Annie that GF didn't abandon her (which he promised never to do, incidentally) and maybe just needs a break from her drama. I'm trying to be as nice as possible re: him.

We're not immature. We're frank. We all lead public lives. HE has to adapt as much as she does to the constraints of being friends with him.

"If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right," Annie. Listen to that song.

Viv, you're a stitch. My sense of humor is exactly like Annie's. Our personalities are SO alike, it' scary. That's half the reason we're in love in the first place.

Andrea Miklasz said...


Anonymous, as I've told you, has hundreds of those suits.

Anonymous said...

When was the last time you heard from him? Didn't you tell me it was last Wednesday? Not even over the weekend, huh?

He is either w/severe anxiety of entering into a difference phase of your friendship....

Or another family gathering...

Viv, FWD your stuff to Andrea. She's a great messenger, or so i've heard.


Andrea Miklasz said...

He surfaced late last night (after I was doped on my meds and nearly incoherent)and he did have family commitments over the weekend. He wasn't slighting me in the least. Not sure how he feels about the big tattoo (see latest entry), but it's bold, that's for sure.