Friday, September 21, 2012

Penises Come Up An Awful Lot in This Entry. Just Sayin'.

Oh, Nez, you're not in Texas anymore. Trying to snazz up his Monkees tour wardrobe for November, Michael Nesmith went with a personal shopper for spankin' new duds. The shopper/friend of his eyeballed these Jimmy Choos. Nez doesn't feel particularly comfortable in them and thinks they're over the top. When he posted them to Facebook, I was more or less like, "Dude. You're in your 70's. But you're a rock star. Totally wear them and rock it out. I'll bring sunglasses along for the glare." I could have said "I'd pay to see you wear these shoes in public," but I already am, so that point is kind of moot. Nez is totally hot. I'd pay to see Guy Friend walk down the street in a pair of these. Seriously.

What is UP with THIS BED? I've approached it from a psychoanalytic viewpoint, and if it's owned by a woman, she has a serious Oedipus complex. If it's owned by a man, he has some serious other...issues regarding his masculinity, or maybe he just likes dick. To each his own. What I said of it was that if it were in my house, I'd have someone sew giant flowing linen condoms to drape over each of the penises, and furthermore, how must it make the uncircumcised man feel? (Though nowadays we prefer to call it leaving boys "intact.") Gives whole new meaning to one's "love nest."

Y'all know "bag of dicks" is one of my favorite phrases, ever. But it wasn't until this week when a friend posted a picture of one online and OMGoodness, it's nasty. But it sort of goes along with the above picture. Again, every one of them is circumcised. What's up with THAT?

I'd put money on sticking a pin into this guy and watching water, blood, pus and other bodily fluids ooze out of him as he quickly deflated. Quite possibly the world's most disproportionate man alive. PS, anyone who uses steroids in such a ridiculous fashion doesn't have a dream in the world of getting it up, though who in their right mind would sleep with him? Blech! PPS, his ball sack is totally fake. PPPS, he's going to have a heart attack and keel over in about.....let's say 3 days.

Speaking of sex, this living-as-a-nun thing is really getting to be old. My BEST friends are all girls, and I don't swing that way, not that there's anything wrong with that. This is getting to be laughable. I am, still, after all, a vital, active newly-middle-aged woman. There's always Best Male Friend, though distance makes a hookup a near impossibility without serious time-management and foreseen planning. (Don't even ASK about Guy Friend. A) I'm not even *there* thinking about him in such a role and B) no pun intended, but he's a really tough nut to crack, and as any man who's been with me can attest, I'm a pretty persuasive seductress.)

To men, I'm a seductress. To competing women, I'm...

I loved this adaptation. Mona Lisa goes Modern. Would she be such an icon had she been painted with short hair? I wonder. It looks totally cute on her!

What would happen if Guy Friend got an iPhone, betwixt his kids:

If I were strong enough, I'd totally do this to the President too. Big bear hug. (This pic widely made the rounds this week.) I donated $5. Don't I get a hug from the Prez?

Too many loonies running amok this week. I'm still stable. Barely. Totally enjoyed my first appointment with my new psychiatrist. She's Russian and her last name is that of a famous vodka. It's really fucking helpful to know your psychiatry/psychology shit walking into an appointment, to walk out 20 minutes later with all the drugs you need. In thinking of what "fuck with the doctor's head" book to bring in for my next appointment in a month, this month having been the ethical guide to practicing psychology, I first thought of the giant DSM-IV-TR. Now I'm re-thinking that and contemplating bringing my favorite-of-all Russian novels, Fyodor Sologub's The Petty Demon. In Russian.

Having children is a wonderful, fulfilling thing. The most awesome experience any human can ever attain. I must warn you potential parents out there, anyway...

My friends and I all loved this list of Reasons We'll All Burn in Hell. Especially the postmodern, fornicating, levitating vegetarians who listen to XTC:

I've said it many times: In a perfect country, Bill Clinton would still be president. 

On a similar note, this is totally me:

...With this as the end result....

Especially considering:

Although it's worthy of note:

I mean, really....I'd wait..

Monday night is dinner "date" night with Guy Friend. Trying to convince him to take me back to the Tattoo Factory to let off some steam (for me, while he holds my hand). He's been working 14-hour days, and he's exhausted. I told him he needs to let loose and enjoy a night out with his favorite alterna-pal.

Dinner will most likely be vegetarian, as Guy Friend is always championing my urge to go all-veggie. Though this is more apt to what I am. I offered to pay for dinner, as it's only fair, and urged him to have a drink for God's sake. It loosens him up so nicely:

Spent a good deal of time this week learning about--gasp--evolution for my Life Development class. No, God wasn't included in the mix, though I give him snaps for this, because apart from women, only the Divine can correctly separate and functionally use a washer/dryer:

This is most certainly true.


best male friend said...

Being as sweet and innocent as you are, Annie, I doubt you caught the double entendre of your blog entry's TITLE in the first place.

I aim to please, by the way. ;)

Andrea Miklasz said...

BMF, how fucking naive do you think I am? I inferred that I knew it was a double entendre by following the title up with "Just Sayin'."


best male friend said...

Fine. You win. When are we having sex, anyway?

Andrea Miklasz said...

Not soon enough for me!

Rob Cheney said...

Circumcision is most common in countries that don't have a national health service and rely on health insurance as its an extra item to add on the bill when a child is born under the reasons of its more healthy etc. Hence in the UK unless there is a cultural reason things are left "intact" as the government doesn't want to pay out on unnecessary "procedures"
Also please send a bottle of eye bleach down the interpipes as the bag of dicks is horrible

Andrea Miklasz said...

Now, when you have a baby boy in the States, it's assumed you'll want your boy circumcised and the mother has to sign a waiver like the day after the baby's born indicating you want to leave the baby intact and it's this big hulabaloo.

Andrea Miklasz said...

And yes, Rob, the picture of the bag of dicks is totally disgusting!