Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"Honey," With Commentary.

I was stuck in traffic on the Kennedy going downtown one night last week, listening to my Time-Life "Lifetime of Schmaltz" Collection, which I don't quite recommend to other drivers trying to stay conscious at the wheel. Enter "Honey," by Bobby Goldsboro. Widely regarded as the worst pop song ever, "It was released as a single in the U.S. in 1968 (see 1968 in music) and spent five weeks at the top of the Billboard Pop Singles Chart, from April 7 to May 11, and three weeks atop Billboard's Hot Country Singles chart (Wikipedia)."

Those who can't get enough "Honey" and find themselves dripping in it's sweetness can also find it on Time-Life's Country "Lifetime of Cow Patties" country music collection. (Sidebar: Honestly, if you watch the Time-Life music infomercials and you really want approximately 1/3 of the songs in any given collection they're advertising, order the CD's, burn the songs you enjoy, and send the mo-fo back for a complete refund. Unethical? Pfft.)

Thick in the traffic jam, I played the song three times over, because while I was always familiar with it and knew it was cheesy, an overwhelming "WHAT THE FUCK?" overcame me.

Thus, I give you "Honey," with commentary:


Bobby Goldsboro

See the tree, how big it's grown,
but friend, it hasn't been too long it wasn't big.
(Have we suddenly lost all capability to form a lucid English sentence, friend?)
I laughed at her and she got mad,
the first day that she planted it was just a twig.
(Gotcha. Sure enough, the tree is growing. Um, but why were you laughing at her? Oh wait, you'll get to that part. OK.)

Then the first snow came and she ran
out to brush the snow away so it wouldn't die.
(Unless there was 40 lbs of snow weighing down her little tree, I doubt it would do any permanent damage, but whatever. Now if there was that much snow, why didn't your sorry ass go out and help her?)
Came runnin' in all excited,
slipped and almost hurt herself, I laughed 'til I cried.
(Way to be a complete douchebag, Bobby! You could've warned her that your cheap linoleum floor is hazardous when wet!)

She was always young at heart,
kinda dumb and kinda smart and I loved her so.
(Because "youthfully-tempered with intelligence falling into the median quotient of typical Americans" doesn't have the same lyrical flow...)

I surprised her with a puppy,
kept me up all Christmas Eve two years ago.
(Did this "surprise" include the puppy jumping out from behind a curtain and mauling her? 'Cuz that seems like something you'd pull.)

And it would sure embarrass her when
I came home from working late 'cause I would know
that she'd been sittin' there cryin'
over some sad and silly late, late show.
(She's not cryin' over Craig Ferguson, dipshit, she's cryin' because she is finally realizing what a colossal pansy you've turned out to be.)

And Honey, I miss you and I'm being good.
And I'd love to be with you if only I could.
(Do us all a favor. Run under a bus just to see what happens.)

She wrecked the car and she was sad
and so afraid that I'd be mad but what the heck.
("What the heck?" You roll in hilarity over her snow-clad clumsiness but this is the best you can utter when she totals your new Honda Accord?)
Though I pretended hard to be,
guess you could say she saw through me and hugged my neck.
(Guess again. She was trying to strangle you.)

I came home unexpectedly
and found her crying needlessly in middle of the day.
(Because you interrupted her enjoyment of "Springer.")

And it was in the early spring
when flowers bloom and robins sing, she went away.
(Finally, she grew a pair and blew that popsicle stand!)

And Honey, I miss you and I'm being good.
And I'd love to be with you if only I could.
(Yeah, yeah, yeah.)

Yes, one day while I wasn't home,
while she was there and all alone, the angels came.
(The Rapture! The Rapture! Lord Almighty!)
Now all I have is memories
of Honey, and I wake up nights and call her name.
(..."typically after one of my chronic, bothersome nocturnal emissions...")

Now my life's an empty stage
(Did the angels take the puppy too?)
where Honey lived and Honey played and love grew up.
(..."and where I mocked the poor woman incessantly until she up and croaked...")
A small cloud passes over head
and cries down in the flower bed that Honey loved.
(Holy Sapping Sap Full of Sappity Sap!)

See the tree, how big it's grown...(fading)

- Bobby Russell

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