Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Feeling Not So Disgusted, For A Little While.

I saw my PCP yesterday, who ran another thyroid test. By all accounts, I should be on medication because I'm just full of water weight and tons of other symptoms and feel like shit. My T4 is at a 7.1. She won't put me on meds until it reaches 10. I felt totally dismissed by Family Practice, even though I talked to a supervisor, who chalked all of my symptoms up to the fact that I'm "old." I'm only 41. When I was 40, I weighed 113 lbs and wore a size 4. I'm tall. I looked fucking fantastic and could wear whatever I wanted. Now, not so much. 

My heart condition's back to square one, which I don't know what Guy plans to do about that, because I'm so water-filled, it's causing my pulse to perpetually teeter over 100, still with a low or normal blood pressure. They ran some more bloodwork to check something-or-other about that. They asked if I'd ever had an echocardiogram or stress test. Yes, 4 years ago, and they were normal. It was the tilt-table test I failed that led to a diagnosis of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. (That test was great. They gave me nitroglycerin to purposely make me faint, I did, and they almost killed me and Guy had a cow when he talked to the doctor in charge of that. Good times.)

I really need to see an endocrinologist, but I hate to bother Guy with finding me one who'll see me on the dole or will accept Medicaid. Bad enough I have to pay the neurologist out of pocket next week, as he doesn't take my insurance either. Ouch. My mom, who relentlessly picks on me because of my weight gain, said I look like someone took a bicycle pump and pumped me full of air. (My weight gain is entirely in my core, boobs and face.) My mom's not terribly supportive, but you could all guess that already, I'm sure. 

I had texted my maladies to Guy, who eventually said I have sub-clinical hypothyroidism, and that it's common to blame every ill on a bum thyroid, in more words. He said to eat smart, exercise, give up all processed foods, cut out all caffeine and in 6 months, I'll be a supermodel. He can call it sub-clinical all he wants, but Kate said that if yourT4 is supposed to be a 2, that's normal. If it's a 5, you feel crummy. If it's a 7, you're lucky you can get out of bed. Pretty much. I could either stroke out or die of a heart attack because I'm so fluid-retentive. 

I was disheartened. I said, "I WAS a supermodel. Fuck it." (Seriously, when I was 40, I was built like one.) 

His response? Which shocked me? Which made me cry, because he's never said as much as that he thinks I'm pretty?

"You still are in my eyes!"

Wait. He thinks I'm beautiful? Since when? Of course I told Meg and my other friends that he was being disingenuous and just trying to make me feel better, when they all uniformly told me he was being completely genuine and honest, but I have a hard time accepting compliments of any kind. 


Scene: Jewel/Osco, a little light grocery shopping (I was running out of deodorant, for one thing!)

Characters: Me, Cute Little Old Lady with a Perm

Lady, as I walk by, "You've got the GREATEST HAIR I'VE EVER SEEN!"
Me: "Thank you very much!"
Lady: "How do you get it to do that?"
Me: "I just wash & towel dry it, and put spiking glue in it."
Lady: "I'm sorry, but can I touch it?"
Me: "Um....sure!"
Lady: "It's so thick. You know my hair is so fine. That's why I go to the beauty parlor every week to get it done." 
Me: "I'm going gray."
Lady: "But it looks beautiful. And you've got such a nice face for that hair too! Just beautiful."
Lady: "Why did God put us on this earth? To be mean to people? No. If I see somebody who impresses me, I tell them."
Me: "I wish everyone was that way. Thank you so much, really." 
Lady: "I'll let you shop. Your hair is BEAUTIFUL."
Me: "Thanks again, that really means a lot to me."

I proceeded to tell her I had a 14-year old son who had a huge head of gorgeous brown, curly tendrils, which are mostly getting chopped off on Sunday. She asked me why boys always seem to get the best hair. Hard to say, but most of them lose it, so it's a double edged sword, I suppose. I almost grabbed my phone to show her a picture of Luke. **Product placement** She was holding a box of Eggo frozen waffles this whole time. I wanted to hug her, I felt so flattered.

Pretty nice when you're feeling not so nice about yourself. [cue tears]


Kate said...

Wouldn't it be great if more people said some of the things that impressed them? A utopian dream , I know . The elderly have so much wisdom. Everything she said to you was true Andrea. I noticed that women especially are unlikely to compliment another women unless the other women is in no way a threat to her.
It's amazing what telling someone the truth about their appearance, like,"You have great hair", does for that person. We might think that this person knows they are beautiful or that guy knows he is stunning. A lot of time those people never get compliments because everyone assumes they know it. Some of the most beautiful people I know have really low self esteem. Then on the other hand, a person who is average looking might have very high self esteem because their parents made sure they felt good about themselves. Or other people were not intimidated by them so they are complimented on a regular basis. It all shows everyone likes to know when other people notice and appreciate something about them. It is easy to find something appealing or different in everybody if you try.
Now Andrea, about Luke's hair, those curls are to die for. What does Luke want? Everyone knows girls like guys with long
locks , like Roger Daltrey , or that Wayne guy from "The Flaming Lips". Couldn't you just trim those gorgeous curls?
Whatever you do , he looks more like you all the time. He certainly has your sense of wit.
He saved me last week from making a total fool of myself because of his laser fast intellect . Another quality he shares with you.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Thanks, far as Luke's hair is concerned, my plan is to leave it longer and curly on top and clean up the sides and back. He's gorgeous but messy. That doesn't go over well at his Lutheran school. He needs a trim, if nothing else. He does look like Roger Daltrey!

How'd he save you last week? That telephone call?

That little old lady made my week. I saw myself in a whole new light. You're absolutely right. She was just buying waffles. I was just buying juice. But she was so impressed she stopped me in the middle of the aisle. I was so flattered.

I know I have cool hair, but not such fabulous hair as she thought I did. The elderly DO have so much wisdom with them, it's scary sometimes. And she's right--were we put on this planet to be mean to one another? NO.

My hair is one thing. But when Guy said he thought I still looked like a supermodel in his eyes, I started to cry. He's said "you look great" or "you look beautiful" when I was really thin, but I'm still having trouble accepting his compliment that I still look like a "supermodel."

Ok, ok, ok...I won't cut all of Luke's curls off. You convinced me.

Anonymous said...

Yes, but imagine trying to run a comb through that Wayne guy's hair.


Does Luke use conditioner? He should.

And Andrea, you're adorable.