Saturday, March 16, 2013

She's Got To Be Strong To Fight Them, So She's Taking Lots of Vitamins

Best Male Friend coined it most aptly: "Annie, you're more stalky than a hunk of celery."

I'm totally befuddled, as is evident in the above photograph. I'm inclined to agree, as I was fending off The Brooklyn Stalker most recently, and wouldn't you know it--he/she either found a way to sneak in or I truly scared them away. In any event, I'm not terribly bothered by the notoriety, especially given I was attempting to straighten out the dilemma of a friend.

I'm so tired of being blog stalked, I can't tell you.

But then entered Stalker Number 2: This one's a bit trickier to figure out. The static IP came from Lincolnshire, IL...the tiny suburb where Guy lives. (It's not Guy himself, or Lady GuyGuy--they're in Chile being eaten by an anaconda, remember?) Then today, I was accessed through Lisle, IL, which is way the hell southwest of here. The IP is dedicated to originate from a "Dr. Salwani" however, at Resurrection in Chicago.

Short detective work on the hospital web site pointed to 4 different Salwanis. Three men and a woman. I don't think it's the chick, really. That left me with 3 men, only one of whom practices the same type of cardiology as Guy. (Quite honestly, these are some of the scariest looking people I've ever seen who all seem to have goiter or thyroid problems. I mean, what's with the giant eyeballs? Very disconcerting.) So then they could be colleagues, logic would say. Neighbors?  Friends?  Who the fuck knows, but I'm totally freaked out. Hiding, waiting to see who emerges from a dark corner:

I'm sorry, but the conspiracy theorist in me, along with some trusted friends, find all of this a little odd and not coincidental. The Salwani is Googling me by my first and last names. How on earth would such a person even KNOW my first and last name, barring someone like Guy Friend who could've pointed him in this direction? I never worked for or with this doctor. To the best of my knowledge, Guy's been very hush-hush about our friendship, which is good, considering how much I blab in public myself.  I had asked Guy, God, a few months ago, if he was friends with any of the 4 Doctors Salwani and he never answered my question (not that he's terrific at answering direct questions in the first place) when the Salwani tie first visited my blog.

At some point last night, Dr. Salwani (or whomever this is) felt compelled to email a link to a certain blog entry to someone, though my server won't tell me whom exactly or which entry it was. The doctor read my whole Google profile. It always boggles my mind that certain people (typically for the WRONG reasons) read my diatribes in hopes of picking around. Everyone's welcome, but geez, don't creep me the fuck out over a couple days' duration, ok?  Either that, or I'm getting really popular. But again, from the wrong people reading me. I'm infamous.

I suppose it's possible that Guy is in touch w/this Doctor while he's on vacation and he could be fibbing all along about not having access to email or cell phones out of the country. That could be a ploy to stop me from incessantly bothering him, which I totally would be, who are we kidding? Given Guy called me finally 5 minutes before he boarded his plane, I was officially on the no-priority list. An "Oh yeah, I was supposed to call Annie before I left...oh shit." We had a short phone chat, mostly concentrating on his damn sore throat which he could've remedied a week prior, but was too stubborn. (He finally broke down and got some antibiotics. There he was, bitching about the red eye plane ride to Chile, not understanding how many common people can't EVER go to Chile for 17 days for vacation. He was being whiny and an ingrate with no valid reason.)

I will say this: Guy Friend and I are in a relationship. It's any one or more of the possibilities below, ever-changing and certainly worthy of debate:

Still, the relentless barrage of page views/lengths from this doctor's IP address were staggering into stalker proportions; otherwise, I'd chalk it up to a fluke like last time. But I can't help but wonder if Salwani noted my last blog, in which I told the Brooklyn Stalker that I could figure out whom he/she was with a few clicks of the mouse and that I had all the background information I needed. I'm nothing if not resourceful.

If there is a question that's pressing, or require further information Dr. Salwani, feel free to email me a question at the end of this blog in the comments. I'm not exactly afraid of self-disclosure. If you're gaining information to feed to Guy Friend, just tell him (in my absence) that I miss him like the dickens & want him to come home. If you're just a curious onlooker, I don't what you want literally or figuratively if you can comprehend it and I really don't give a shit. Again, I just can't imagine that you found me on your own, not knowing AT ALL who I am and working affiliated with Guy's hospital. I haven't worked there in over a year. I should be totally old news around the Professional Building.


Anonymous said...

"More stalky than a hunk of celery." You're also as skinny as one, and often times, just as bitter.

Guy Friend's been gone for a week. How are you holding up?

My personal opinion, knowing stalkers, is that the relationship between you and Best Male Friend, who's amazing, intertwined with your feelings for Guy Friend, who's a dork, make for completely addictive reading because of the way you tell a story in an Andrea fashion. Very unique indeed.

Not sure if Guy slips you a lie about being unable to communicate abroad, but I agree, the sudden, chronic visits from this doctor would be a red flag from my perspective.

If this doctor reads anything into your blogs, it should be totally obvious that your buddy (and my best friend, separately) are both completely smitten by Andrea, as am I.

Oh, Yoshimi!

Kate said...

All I can say to Dr. Salami is , "Come out with your hands up!".
Can't do that , can you?( Read that with my accent, Kant do that , can you?). I know that is a low blow but I should be shot for my recent behavior. But at least it is my own behavior. Andrea , why are you surprised someone else is fascinated by you? I'm surprised you don't have more.

BMF said...


Andrea Miklasz said...

Kate, you don't require a firing squad!

My whole blog is feeling Orwellian to me right now...that I'm policing every visitor, but somehow I land on the most unlikely people who'll pour over my entries for hours, when they don't even know me. Somebody pay me to make a book, you know? Seriously.

Somehow, I don't see this doctor finding me fascinating. I find him to be a super snooper.

Rob Cheney said...

Kates post made me laugh
You do seem to have a problem with "lurkers" at the moment, on the upside reading these posts you have some very good decent friends who care for you dearly

BMF said...

Oh my God, Kate totally cracks me up. I think she would like me, but I know if you were to put Kate & Guy in the same room, he'd come out like shredded cheese (continuing on my food analogy examples).

Andrea Miklasz said...

He'll be home in 6 days. Read: Not soon enough for me.

Coincidence? Since the 2 stalkers barraged me with visits, my calling them out on their bullshit has poofed them into oblivion, as far as my intelligence department can tell..

Kate said...

Andrea, A firing squad ? People are going to think I am violent when I am just a pussy cat. With sniper capabilities.
BMF , you don't have to think I like you, I LIKE YOU very much already! Thank you for the shredded cheese image, it really caught my attention and made me feel even more like a cat. I was born in the year of the Tiger.
For a dyslexic , Salwani and Salami look almost identical.( for about 5 seconds! )

Anonymous said...

Andrea, there's no such thing as bad press. Especially when you're trying to catch the eyes as new talent in public.

I didn't mean to slight Guy in my initial comment--he's just so radically different than BMF & none of us get it. But he's been very, very good to you (when he's not being a douche) all this time.

I'd like you too, Kate!