To my Christian friends, loved ones and readers, Christ is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! Hallelujah!
Everyone have a blessed day celebrating the greatest story ever told, with the world's most predictable outcome which strikes Westerners as way more plausible than the myth of a seven-headed horse or God in the form of an elephant. Glory! Praise! Honor!
To my non-Christian friends: I know it sucks, but Target is still probably open, and tomorrow, all the candy will be 50% off.
In the Department of Heavenly Miracles, God bestowed upon me 2 new giant zits, my mom only ripped me 3 new assholes in the span of about an hour and a half, & in a story upon which I'll have to expound when I'm not as pressed for time, Guy Friend barely squeaked by unscathed from my wrath with his balls intact.
Scratch that, Ma just added asshole #4.