Thursday, June 7, 2012

Please Be Patient, Douchetards.

My sponsor, Jenny, is enamored with the word "douchetard." I had called her a "dumbshit" today for being in the pouring rain of Seattle without either a poncho or an umbrella, having left said items at her hotel before she went to the reportedly flying-fish market. (An establishment which would ick me out completely.) Jenny texted me back, "No, douchetard!" Of course, I said it out loud and laughed to myself.

I can't help but laugh aloud every time I go to the gynecologist for checkups on procedures I've had, surgery follow-ups, exams, etc. Her tagline is always the same: "No sex, no tampons, no DOUCHING, for xxx # of weeks...." and my reply is always the same: "Not a problem," and I wave my hand off at her. (Because sex and tampons are of huge importance to someone who's celibate with no uterus, who doesn't mestruate.)  She wonders why I find the word "douching" so fabulously humorous. Um, because NOBODY fucking actually USES them anymore. She's a douche for telling me not to douche.

I certainly *never* have, nor do I know anyone who has douched, but you have to wonder how such an obsolete product could become such a mainstream cultural meme as an insult. Never having purchased a douche, I couldn't even begin to tell you what a "douche bag" might be, if there is such a thing. Men call one another "doucehebags" all the time, when in reality, it should be a female-to-female insult.

Jenny said that she used to shoot glass douche bottles with guns at target practice out in the woods. Ok, so we know that bottles are involved. And we know that vaginas, in esssence, are self-cleaning. All Summer's Eve will do is increase your risk of infection and make your natural bits, I assume, "smell better." But vaginas clean themselves! Like selling oven cleaner to people with self-cleaning ovens. Overkill. What a marketing ploy the entire douche idea is in the first place!

I mean, I don't hear "yeast infections" formed into slang words (yet, give me some time, I'm sure I'll think of something). Yeast infections are far nastier, and as a woman, you'd only wish them on another woman if you sought revenge on her, or wished her ill-will. I'll start thinking about it while I watch this awe-inspiring video, Mr. Rogers style.....

Nobody jokes about "vaginosis." Maybe they should. Patience, douchetards. I've got some thinking to do.....Comments/suggestions are welcome, as always.

This was the best I could come up with late last night, half asleep, worn out....I know, it sucks:

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