Sunday, February 1, 2015

It Snowed A Little.

I'm foregoing the Stupid Bowl because sports, and because I've been out all day shoveling a never-ending amount of Chicago snow on this, the first day of February. It's all blizzardy and blowy outside. I've heard nothing about the Super Bowl, other than a text from my best friend saying she wished Missy Elliot had punched Katy Perry in the throat during halftime. As a general rule, I'd have to agree with her, regardless of the performance circumstances.

In any case, once 8pm rolled around, my mother took over the television in the living room with the booming English dialog of "Downton Abbey," the volume on 74 and the closed-captioning on, because British people are apparently very hard for her to understand.

An elderlyish neighbor paid me $100 to keep her front and back porch, and sidewalk free of snow for the winter while she's basking in Florida. I'm sorry, honey, but today was about a $650 job, and I didn't quite finish. It would've been easier had 4' drifts not blockaded me from getting anywhere near her domicile. The snow started at about 9pm last night and hasn't let up yet. Now, I know. Chicagoans are tough. We can handle our winters. We sympathize with Boston and the many feet you had befallen. But up until today, Chicago had received a paltry 3" of snow for the ENTIRE season thus far. A little shell shock today. Our shoveling muscles have atrophied. Come to think of it, all of my muscles have atrophied.

Lake Michigan is being nasty and they've closed off parts of Lake Shore Drive in dribs/drabs as the waves crashed inland and the winds picked up to gusts around 50 mph. People with any sense stayed home. Those who were en route to Stupid Bowl parties braved the elements and, I don't know, risked drowning in the lake.

Here in our suburb across the street from the City limits, we live in connected townhomes, and my next-door neighbor has a snowblower, but he gave up after 4 rounds around the courtyard and sidewalks. I don't know where all of the other strong men/people are in the 'hood, but it was I and an older female neighbor (recovering from a hip replacement) who were the main diggers today.

What of my brawny teenage son, you ask? Why wasn't he out shoveling with me? Or FOR me? A) He slept until noon. B) He was working on downloading mixes for a soundscape he's been working on for a long time. C) I'm an EXTREMELY lenient mother who actually enjoys shoveling snow...UP TO A CERTAIN POINT, when it becomes utterly ridiculous and a colossal waste of time.

At first, his high school put out an email that they weren't going to make a decision on whether or not to close school until 5:30 am tomorrow morning. I called bullcrap on that one, and sent them a nasty Tweet about how many absences to expect tomorrow should they decide to leave the school open. About a half an hour ago, I received the email, the email from the emergency closing center, the email from the school with a voicemail attached to it, and a voicemail on my cell phone all indicating that yes, the school was closing tomorrow. Woot! I am DRAGGING that young man of mine out to dig if it takes us all day tomorrow. We live in one of those municipalities where you can be fined if your walkways and sidewalks aren't clear, and, really, we should be nice to the postal carriers.

Just as a visual aid, this is the present state of my SUV parked on the main thoroughfare off of which we live, which plows me in from the driver's side and I'm drifted in on the passenger side:

I told Luke that even if there was school tomorrow, there was no fucking way I was going to attempt digging that out at 5 am in the dark. Did I mention that I think I heard tomorrow's high temperature is supposed to be 12 degrees? Oof.

Winter in Chicago. We bitch, and bitch, and bitch. Few of us ever leave (save for the elderly snowbirds). Time to find the ibuprofen and a hot cuppa. 


I called in the Armed Forces. Actually, there's a giant young Marine who lives across the way who I saw cleaning out his car behind mine a little while ago. Being desperate and aching all over from yesterday, I offered him $50 to dig me out, which I thought was a fair price. Luke just woke up (at 1pm) and is suddenly complaining of "neck pain" which he says precludes him from doing any shoveling.

My dearest Luke,

Fuck you.

Love, Mom

UPDATE #2!!!!!

Luke got his butt outside after some heavy prying from myself and my mom, and actually cleaned up most of the snow himself. He did a great job, all things being equal. The Marine refused the money for help. Glory! You can tell my car is red again! Thanks, Luke, and sorry for flying off the handle.

Love, Mom


Maggie Jean said...

Hilarious. Only cause I've been through the same experience. Love your blog.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Thank you, Maggie Jean! I appreciate the nice comment. The whole situation got to be so absurd, one could only laugh at it at a certain point! We're expecting another 1-3" tonight into tomorrow. Grand.

I was going to write another blog last night about the anniversary of the death of my father (which was yesterday), but I realized at the witching hour that I had a paper due today, so that had to take first priority.

Stay tuned for more Annie fun!