Sunday, February 10, 2013

Playtex Thinks You Reek, By the Way.

Surely you're thinking, The Offbeat Drummer's dry, boring, chaste, lonely, (& I believe I've forgotten how to have sex by this time)'s intimacy sabbatical has passed and I am not living like a nun anymore.. "Mazel Tov!" you say, if you're judging from the first picture below. I will say this about the strangely packaged item that  has confused both men and women for several years. While functional, it causes eyebrow raising if it accidentally falls out of a purse. It confounds family. Friends say things like, "Wow. You come prepared for ANYTHING."

What's in there, anyway? Not what you think.

A lavender-scented sanitizing wipe (assume for faces or hands, not the nether regions). I don't remember on what flight or vacation I received or may have purchased them, but at a certain point, I had like 10 of them. I'm on my last one. This was released by some French company who probably snickered at Americans who bought them, knowing they bore a total eerie resemblance to condoms.

But now we have an "Oh, Playtex" rally cry. It'd be too easy to say your research & development team has tampons for brains. Soaked tampons, actually, full of tequila, that the CEO sucks on all day in his office when he's making important marketing decisions.

The obsolete douche, now ill-advised for usage by OB/GYN's across the board, has new competition in the female freshness market, despite decades of proof from common women, scientists, doctors and researchers, who have uniformly deemed the vagina to be as efficient and practical as a self-cleaning oven (even with burnt pizza cheese on the inside) and quintuple-a female cavity that takes care of itself in a woman's body without needing to be laboriously cleaned. That's the honest truth.

 "A clean beaver always finds more wood."

With the excitement of the now-wildfire-vernacular insult of "douchebag/douchetard," Playtex is coming out with another product that is completely designed to make females even MORE insecure about their bodies. While we're busy coordinating cute outfits to wear on dates, or vainly attempting to hide our gray hair, trying to decide to have sex with or without a light on, living with husbands who are just roommates, or working our asses off to be attractive to men, the Grand Poobah of the sanitary supply world, Playtex, dare I say, has joined the Pat Robertson/700 Club shitwagon about wives being so hideous looking that it gives just cause for disgruntled men to drink heavily and start sleeping around. (To be impartial, there are some hideous wives out there (see a few blogs ago), and a few husbands who really *should* be sleeping around but aren't.)

Now that society has us convinced that we're an eyesore unworthy of affection, we can fret about this, thanks to Playtex:

Guys think your nasty snatch reeks. Marvelous? Totally.

Married women probably wouldn't bother or don't really care anymore how their obligatory romp in the sack once or twice a month actually affects their partners' olfactory sense. The figures elude me at the moment, but the percentages of  non-newlywed women who initiate, suggest or, uh, jump on such things in bed dwindle dramatically after a love/lust plateau has been reached, and it takes all the energy the long-term-relationship survivors gather to get that half an hour over and done with so both partners can finally Go. To. Sleep. Go. To. Costco. Procure. Food. Invite the neighbors over for cocoa. Whatever. For a lot of couples, especially women, the whole thing gets to be a drag after a while.

After all, "a polished knob always gets more turns."


Playtex's answer to the "OH MY STINKY VAGINA!" crocodile tears I'm sure all of my devastated female readers are sobbing, is a brand new Girl Parts Makeover, which, thankfully, just arrived. May I present to you:

Refresh and glitz up the packaging, the "Fresh & Sexy" wipes are available in a tub (which you should totally keep next to your bed, next to your Pope John Paul II framed photo and a dangling rosary, or in individual packages, as I had above, which are probably more pragmatic for prostitutes, or sexy gals who travel light.

The updated and totally 21st century wipes for gals? I'd bet my only child on this: Some marketing moron convinced Playtex to repackage this item: Baby wipes. Why pilfer through Junior's ass-wiping stash when you can spend triple the money for a tenth full of packages of these:

"A clean pecker always taps it..."

I swear, it could only have been a boardroom full of men who came up with these ridiculous advertisement tag lines, employing as many vaginal and penile nicknames the laws of decency (boo!) & censorship would allow. They're just goofy.

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