Friday, November 30, 2012

The Offbeat Drummer's Guide to Human Reproduction

The Birds, The Bees, The Flowers and the Trees. Humans + Nature. All that delicate subject matter we danced around somewhere in between diapers, Goodnight Moon, pre-kindergarten, "Star Wars" (the original trilogy), Lollapalooza, "Star Wars" (the prequels), memorization of the books of The Bible, Doctor Who, briefs-to-boxers and equal amounts of wispy hair in one-armpit-at-a-time...well, here we are. Puberty!

(No-Small-Coincidence-iTunes-Shuffle: "Teach Your Children," CSNY.)

Craig promised he'd handle the human reproduction talk with Luke if I tackled the concept of evolution. Fair enough shake, though historically, Craig's been way more attune to evolutionary science, whereas, I've read the Kama Sutra. One might assume Craig'd be better at the sex talk with Luke since they're both....uh, guys, and I could explain evolution because I'm a, you know, total heathen.

Up until a year or two ago, Luke's Lutheran school handed out, during registration, an "agreement" for parents regarding the subject of "sexuality" for the seventh and eighth graders. I honestly didn't read it when it came out because at the time, it didn't pertain to Luke. They've since stopped handing out that agreement, so I literally have zero idea as to when and what my son is going to be taught about human sexuality in junior high.

When I was in 5th grade at Luke's school, we began learning about God's miracle of baby making. It was impressed upon us that sex was chiefly something married people did for the sole purpose of procreating. This could very well be the actual film we watched. In any event, it's totally hysterical and uninformative. And wrong. And misleading. And silly.

In order to propagate the human species, according to this video, you must ponder (or believe) the following:
  •  People from other religions and cultures don't make babies, and it's all God's plan. According to the video, if you're not Christian, or not married, you're not having babies.
  • You have to be married in a fundamentalist Christian church, by a minister, and remain committed your entire life.
  • Women release an ovum "every so often," with no explanation of menstruation, which'd come in handy for little Suzanne. There's quite a difference between "every so often" and "every goddamn month for until you hit menopause, for about 40 years, but that's yet another topic for another day. Maybe when Pregnant Mom is feeling more gracious, or when she and Suzanne are in the store and pass the pad/tampon aisle and Suzy innocently asks WTF all that stuff is for.
  • You cannot have a baby unless you're married, because single people who sit next to one another don't have sex. Single people are all abstinent. 
  • "Special love time," where son Jeremy asks if it's all about "hugging and kissing," Mom and Dad are shown seriously close to one another on a couch. Through the power of osmosis, as they're both clothed with their knees tightened together, the ovum will hang out with one of millions of sperm and BAM! You're expecting a baby. It's that easy!
  • The sitting close on the couch probably explains why my Polish grandparents had plastic covering on all of their furniture. We're all too familiar with upholstery stains, by any means.
  • Bottle-fed infants' mothers don't love their babies as much as breastfeeding mothers love theirs. 
  • Sex ceases to exist in this vignette. 
  • You may or many not grow even bigger than your parents. God planned it that way.
  • It's all "just as God planned."
  • The uterus is a special place God made to hold babies. It's located behind your urethra and in front of your asshole. The children in the video are aghast that the young baby the couple is expecting isn't wearing any clothes, to which my answer would be, "We sort of don't put clothes on babies until they're, like, born". Too difficult a concept?
  • Jeremy and Suzanne need to stop holding hands so much. I'm getting a Luke/Princess Leia flashback, which is freaking me out.
  • The baby, when it's time to come out, passes through the uterus, which has no other function, via the vagina, which is otherwise a useless body part.
  • On a boy's body you can see more of the "outside parts." 
  • God planned that an equal number of boys and girls on the planet. Tell that to China!
  • say nothing about a breech presentation? Wait. That isn't NORMAL enough. When my son, as a youngster, asked me innocently from whence he came, I graphically told him he was scooped out of my abdomen, after I was ripped open from stem to stern with a 6" cut through my belly to have him surgically removed.
  • God's plan for every family is the same. All people began life in the same way. Because that was God's plan.
  • No, Mom, you didn't answer your children's questions more frankly when they asked you for more detail.
  • God is happy when 2 people decide to get married and start their life together with His blessing.
  • The kids bitch at the end about the mother being pregnant...again. "God answered our prayers. Isn't that exciting?"
  • The list goes on...
Those were the main points I got out of the segment--I'm sure more will pop up (ha! literally) but be very careful sitting next to a woman of childbearing potential.  That said, you can all flock to me, fellas, because I'm barren and safe to sit next to!!

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