I, at least, have a totally clear conscience. One of my friends had a psychotic snap and decided to take it all out on me. She pointed out a few instances where I offended her, so I apologized and corrected those mistakes. She didn't accept my apology and persisted in antagonizing me even more, hitting my most sensitive and vulnerable spots with fury and nastiness. I must have apologized like 13 times, kept my cool, asked her if there was something wrong which I could help her with, and she just kept kicking me in the crotch.
She childishly unfriended and blocked my entire family and Meg from her Facebook. My son's (at least I have him, and he and Meg are my voices of reason...) response to all of this is essentially everyone else's: "So what? She'll come around when she's sane again." None of us are particularly worried about it. (Editor's Note: She did come back. And she did the same exact thing 2 years later. She verbatim sent the vitriol text messages one after another, cut and pasted or whatever, the same crap. Everyone was cut off. The same childish nonsense from a woman in her 50's.)
People insult me all the time, question my abilities and activities and yes, it hurts my feelings, which I told this friend of mine. She thinks I'm "pathetic." She thinks I'm not an intellectual or an artist, same as my son. She implied that she only asks me questions about things which interest me out of politeness, not because she's actually interested in learning something new. I always enjoyed learning from her and valued her opinions and ideas. Last week, we had a long, very enjoyable phone conversation, which gave no indication that something was wrong with her emotionally.
When she loses an argument, she retreats by running away. She's unfriended friends of mine who've disagreed with her on points, claiming they're stupid and she's not. She is incapable of entering into an intelligent argument or discourse without pulling out her "I know more than you do" card. (PS, that's seldom true.)
My energy is better spent doing things with people who don't lie to me when they say they love me unconditionally, completing my school work and enriching relationships with promise.
It was a difficult week. She should've known that looking at my Facebook. I lost a first cousin and it was a very emotional time for my family. (Editor's Note: My cousin died from thrombocytosis, a complicated autoimmune hematological blood disorder, which caused her body to produce too many platelets. My Gram had thrombocytopenia, the opposite blood disorder, where the body produces too few platelets. Another cousin was diagnosed with lupus. All of us have hypothyroid problems. Another cousin in the last year or so with lymphoma. I looked in the mirror one afternoon and saw giant welts which are urticarial vasculitis. That was after multiple sclerosis came into the picture. Point being, I think, is that a frightening number of people down the lines on my mom's side have autoimmune disorders.)
Not only did she not offer condolences, but she ignored it altogether. She was offended at my last blog about helping depressive bipolar as if I was saying I had the "the most horrible disease on the planet." I never said that. This person has Crohn's Disease. I understand that she's very ill. It wasn't a competition of who has the worst illness. The blog wasn't directed at her, and, in fact, there's a point in that blog about other people not making it about themselves, which she obviously overlooked.
She may come to her senses eventually, but I'll follow Luke's advice. He knows she's done crap like this before. Possibly one of the cruelest things you can do to a person is kicking them when they're down. And she did. And I, at least, forgive HER for that, because she's obviously very sick.
5 comments:
I know who you're talking about and she can have all the intellect and brains and "talent" she claims to hold over you, but try to remember, if you really are feeling vindictive or angry, that you've got something more important and precious in your life that she'll never have, and you know what that is.
I was reminded of an instance during which the same pattern of behavior occurred many months, maybe even over a year ago, when she said something about "another side of her coming out," or implying that she had some other "type" of personality and that she was sorry I had to see that and apologized for her behavior during that episode. While she may believe right now that as a 3rd year psychology graduate student that I know "nothing" about psychology, I know enough to see that pattern as indicative of some type of schizo-effective or personality disorder, of which she's not been properly diagnosed and treated. That's very sad.
I read the whole exchange you sent me, and I vaguely remember when this type of thing happened before. I'm so sorry you seem to be the target of the rage when this "other her" unveils. But you're an easy target because you're her closest friend. You love each other, and despite her outbursts and nonsense, which, by the way, you can stop apologizing for because none of it was your fault, I would suggest you just ride it out and let her get straightened out. In the meantime, don't doubt yourself because of what she said about you. You absolutely aren't any of the traits she called you. I don't claim to know anything about the diagnoses you've come up with, but it's blatantly obvious that she needs some serious psychiatric care. And no, I'm not just offering you advice just to be polite.
I will ride it out and even though I said in my blog (rather harshly) negative things about her, it was my knee-jerk reaction to having my feelings deeply hurt by her words. I'm an easy target because I'm a safe target, and no matter what, when she's better, if she decides to be my best friend again, I will welcome her with compassion and forgiveness. I am concerned about her health and well-being both physically and mentally, sincerely. But I can't fix her. I can only love her from a distance.
I just said on Facebook:
When I told (her) politely to please stop saying very venomous things to me, I told her she was hurting my feelings. She told me to "grow up," which totally invalidated the honesty of my heart. It doesn't matter if you're 5 or 50, we all have feelings, but I'm finding , as I get older, that not everybody is good at expressing their emotions or responding to others' emotions in a healthy way.
Mister Rogers has been on our minds lately because of the anniversary of his death, and much of his infinite wisdom has resurfaced on social media. He always advocated to children and adults alike that expressing your emotions honestly and openly was the right thing to do. The more we open our hearts to one another, the easier we mend our hearts and resolve conflicts. It's not automatic. It's a skill that takes practice and patience.
What a tremendous load it is to feel hurt by a best friend, who disregards your pain. One can only assume the other person is carrying far more pain which they cannot properly express. While I was knee-jerk reaction angered by her statements (who wouldn't be?), I am trying to be mindful (thanks to another friend's advice) that she, herself, has issues to resolve that I can't mend at the moment. So I'm giving her space and time. I guess my underlying point is that we all HAVE feelings, are entitled to have feelings, are entitled to express them, have them acknowledged and managed in a healthy way and hope that it leads to deeper understanding, compassion and love.
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