IQ

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, rate the following:

1) How patient is The Offbeat Drummer?

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2) How understanding is The Offbeat Drummer?

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3) How courteous is The Offbeat Drummer?

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4) How flexible is The Offbeat Drummer?

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5) How stupid is The Offbeat Drummer? Note: Last formal IQ test was 162.

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6) How generous is The Offbeat Drummer?

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7) How loving is The Offbeat Drummer?

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8) How shameless is The Offbeat Drummer?

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9) If The Offbeat Drummer wanted to find something--anything--out, how difficult would it be for her?

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10) With 1 being "Yes" and 10 being "Fuck No!" Does one really, honestly want to anger The Offbeat Drummer?

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11) How loyal is The Offbeat Drummer?

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12) How curious is The Offbeat Drummer?

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13) How good is the aim of The Offbeat Drummer's Patented Roundhouse Kick?

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14) How sensitively emotional is The Offbeat Drummer?

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15) How accurate is The Offbeat Drummer's Bullshit Radar?

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16) How passionate is The Offbeat Drummer?

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17) How trustworthy is The Offbeat Drummer?

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18) With 1 being "Yes, Cut her some fucking slack!" and 10 being "Hell no, Pile it On Thicker!", has The Offbeat Drummer been through enough crap already?

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19) How puzzled is the Offbeat Drummer when someone won't answer a direct question that she's repeated several times?

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20) How affectionate is The Offbeat Drummer?

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21) How delicate is The Offbeat Drummer's mental state?

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22) With 1 being "whole radishes," 5 being "her prized musician hands" and 10 being "a gulp of maggots," with what would the Offbeat Drummer prefer to choke someone?

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23) How high is the level of The Offbeat Drummer's self-esteem?

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24) With 1 being "Not phased" and 10 being "Surly, Brutish, and Hyper-Protective," rate the level of potential hostile engagement enacted by The Son of The Offbeat Drummer if anyone were to hurt The Offbeat Drummer in any way, shape or form?

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25)  How yo-yo'ish has been the life of The Offbeat Drummer?

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26) Is The Offbeat Drummer particularly concerned with the dignity of her public persona as a relatively public figure who doesn't use a pseudonym for herself?

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27) Assuming The Offbeat Drummer is bootylicious, with 1 being "vomitrotious," 5 being "meh" and 10 being  "I'd Totally Hit That," wherein lies the hangup as to why she's an utter Guy repellent?

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28) How likely is it that the Offbeat Drummer would be ridiculous enough to remotely consider marriage again?

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29) How many times have you found yourself apologizing to or making excuses to The Offbeat Drummer in the last 12 months for ways you've acted like a jag bag?

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30) Is The Offbeat Drummer spontaneously fun?

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31) How prone is The Offbeat Drummer to uncontrollably sobbing?

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32) With 1 being "knitting afghans," 5 being "snorting heroin" and 10 being "sex," which would make The Offbeat Drummer the least edgy and in a better overall mood?

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33) How happy is The Offbeat Drummer to simply wake up in the morning in a "Whew, eluded death AGAIN??"

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34) With 1 being "amoral and a total whore" and 10 being "quotes Deuteronomy in the heat of passion," which is more like The Offbeat Drummer?

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35) With 1 being "limp like a whiskey dick," 5 being "chillaxin' with the flow" and 10 being "harder to knock down than Sugar Ray Leonard," in comparison to, I don't know, God, how powerful  is The Offbeat Drummer?

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36) With 1 being "Slim Pickin's," 5 being "Duh, Look at You and How Interesting You Are!" and 10 being "The Offbeat Drummer is a Gold-Digger," how likely is it that The Offbeat Drummer is invested in being associated with you?

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37) How many nationally-recognized major awards have you won and how many hundreds of thousands of people have seen you play live music?

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38) With 1 being "Morbid Curiosity & Trainwrecktastic Amusement," 5 being "Somebody's in troooouuuubbbllllle!" and 10 being "Well, I'm Friends With Her," why do you read "Rhythms From The Offbeat Drummer?"

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39) With 1 being You, 5 being Mr. T and 10 being Wayne Coyne, who'd be more likely to be recognized randomly on the street walking with The Offbeat Drummer by passersby?

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40) Upon awakening, with 1 being "Shit, Shower, Shave," 5 being "Caffeinate" and 10 being "Immediately Check For Updates or Comments on This Blog," what's your first move?

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Thank you for your considerate input. If you're teetering on offering me a publishing contract, mazel tov! Call me.

If you're a friend of mine, you're very sweet to put up with my warbling and I love you.

If you're new in town, this'll be interesting.

If you owe me an apology and lengthy explanation (again) for whatever reason, I have little interest in exploiting your notorious, mere-mortal testosterone-fueled weakness for pretty punk women to those whom you report dutifully in your tepid, vanilla personal life, I was genuinely concerned about your maternal unit's well-being, which was why I asked about her like 5 times, sans the courtesy of a simple reply, which is just rude. Actually, that's not all completely true, because I'm kind of feeling bitchslapped enough TO exploit you purely out of total aggravation and you know how much I support living in the moment.

I guess after handling life and death situations for 30 years on a daily basis, you grow tough skin. Sorry, I keep forgetting that you told me some time ago that you didn't care whether or not I thought you were an asshole. You're acting like a total asshole, by the way.

Pretend you're a satellite hovering over the country of China and I'm one of the indigenous Cantonese dwellers. Comparatively, yes. I'm just a microscopic dust mite in terms of my overall significance, which is a generality pertinent to the universe entire, save for maybe like 10 people who genuinely mean what they say when they say what they feel. I realize I've myself given off a string of conflicting emotions, intentions and interests, but in all fairness, you used the "L" word first.

But it has been a colorful life, which is why I write. I can't *not* write. So I write.

So you read.