Having had a wonderful time with Guy Friend tonight, and having him chuckle over (see last blog's) my apology note, he said we were friends and we loved each other as we parted company. I finally got my seemingly elusive real kiss. While not contextually romantic, per se, it was befittingly lovely and enjoyable. Upon parting, he said I looked beautiful tonight. I don't think that was a placating comment to lift my spirits. I think he truly thinks I am beautiful, and yes, I do need to hear that from time to time (BMF and his BF were very open about that, noticing the beauty of me in any given moment and appreciating what we have while we have it.)
Guy Friend wants me to learn not be so dependent on other people's opinions and reactions to me, which I attribute much to having been abused in the past, and like BMF had been hypothesizing, the filling of a huge void in my life (both as a result of losing my dad as a little girl and being abused by Chris), whereupon I seek, in particular, male attention and affirmation. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of egotism. It's a product of mental illness. He wanted to know how I get "out of my own head" and what's happening to me, and I told him honestly, that was really difficult to do when you're rapid or ultradian cycling.
My bastard ex-boyfriend destroyed such crucial particles of my self-esteem, that leaves me with an almost insatiable need and expectations of men whom I actually believe I can *trust,* after trusting Chris with everything, only to end up punished or punitively emotionally, sexually or physically damaged. I reiterated that I *trusted* him, as I trusted Craig, BMF, my brother and my pastor, when it came to men getting remotely physically near me.
I wholeheartedly apologized for inundating him with texts, and explained the difficult concept of ultradian cycling in bipolar disorder, and he noted that the moods of my texts to him change direction and emotion interchangeably, frantically sometimes. In reading them over, that's certainly true.
I did actually make him a CD of but one song, which I explained to him was about regret and about living in the moment, Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work." He's not familiar with Bush, but I think it'll move him deeply. (I also gave him a copy of George Harrison's latest CD of demos and outtakes, which I think he'll really enjoy.) Part of Guy Friend wishes he had the freedom of expression and the liberty of love that I share with a lot of my friends, though I have to honor his life and how he chooses to live it if I want to be a part of it. He accepts my insanity, and I accept his desire to go blueberry picking in Michigan with his family. What would bore me to tears clearly makes him happy, so I just can't fault him for it any longer. That's the most loving thing I can offer him. While our lifestyles and theories are, for the most part, opposite, I believe our hearts are both ultimately in their proper places.
When he picked me up, he was cranking Jonatha Brook's song, "Annie," which he quickly turned off when I got into the car.Perhaps preparing himself for the worst of my moods, it was the CD I gave him for his birthday during a depressive episode.
I was surprisingly pleased that he was wearing the John Lennon artwork tie I gave him for Christmas last year, citing that his wife picked it out for him to go with his yellow shirt today. Happenstance? I sort of doubt it, but found it a thoughtful gesture. Why dummy me gave a colorblind guy a red tie as a gift is evidence of my dopiness. I told him I wished, in hindsight, I'd given him the naked John and Yoko embracing tie (in tiny caricatures) but had played it safely with Lennon's "Peace and Harmony" drawings.
Lots of things were covered tonight, though when he said "Do we still need to talk?" (I assume about our relationship), I said no, that we were cool and I understood, and promised to be less of a a pain in his ass, though my promises were contingent, largely upon the results of my previously blogged apology note. What drives certain people away from me entrances others, and Guy Friend certainly didn't know where he stood when he wrote that email that I took such offense to.
I told him, with regard to the Kate Bush song, that I wanted him to listen to it tonight, on his way home, and think about it. He may not be moved to tears, but I think he'll understand why I gave it to him, without me having to write a lengthy explanation as to why I did so. That is my hope, anyway. When Kate sings, "Give me these moments back...give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your hand," I reminisce about the multitude of positive, loving experiences he and I have shared together during our friendship. I have a photographic and sensory memory, which, while debilitating in the recollection of, for example, wrote fact from textbooks in the short term, I vividly recall senses, emotions, smiles and shared laughter with Guy Friend that I hope to sustain for the remainder of our lives.
While he remains guarded about his personal life, by his own choosing, and I don' feel right prodding, he knows I'm open and honest with him about my own feelings, and while I don't know how he interpreted the check-marked "I'm in love with you" on my apology form, as BMF often points out, I'm a little bit in love with just about everybody. While few understand my feelings for him, and compare him to BMF, with whom I'm definitely more closely matched, what cemented my love for Guy Friend was evident in my mind from the moment we met. That being said, I'm still conflicted, at times, as to whether or not, in the unlikely event I should ever remarry, if I want Guy Friend to walk me down the aisle and give me away, or if I want him waiting anxiously for me at the front of the proverbial altar. If I can't make sense of my feelings, I certainly can't expect him to. So many of the people who know me well say that it's an easy choice, (like I've said before) between GF and BMF. That's not true, for they each love and appreciate me for very different reasons. What is true? Without either of them, or the unfailing support of the rest of my family and friends, I would've most certainly died by now, given all the intense physical and mental drama I've endured.
If I were to choose a Kate Bush song for BMF, it'd be "The Man With the Child in His Eyes." Definitely. Both being idealistic dreamers whose fantasies are vivid and endlessly utopian, lack practicality, as does my relationship with Guy Friend. What Kate Bush song resonates with me ABOUT my own experiences? "Running Up that Hill," though I also relate to "Wuthering Heights," for I am, at heart, consumed with romanticism and the inherent drama of love that's been exemplary of my approach to life.
What's true of all Kate Bush songs? She's a hopeless romantic who unabashedly loves people with lyrical fervor, has read A LOT of literature, and her sentiments are a truism of any artist, musician and writer I've ever encountered. I have, conversely, met a number of people who are rational/logical/systematic thinkers who, while they may feel impulses of passion, deny themselves on acting on feelings alone, their motives unclear and confusing to me.
Right now, I need sleep. I have a test in the morning. I'll finish this blog entry and edit it tomorrow. Until then, listen to this Kate bush video. Try to understand where she's coming from. I've queued up my ambient music channel on Pandora and will flow my brain down to rest.
More to come. Stay tuned. All we'll ever have is NOW.
Wednesday:
Last day of class. Last exam, during which I kinda dozed off, in my head thinking up fantasy questions that weren't even on the exam. Somehow, I gathered my wits together, though so charged and happy about my time with Guy Friend last night that I had a hard time getting to sleep, and reset my alarm to 6:00 this morning, instead of 5:30am. Yes, I went to Starcracks. Did I study this morning? Kind of, not really. As a result, the final grades are in , and I got a B in the course, which is still above-average. Being a perfectionist/fatalist, it had me a little disappointed but keeping thoughts in context, and my professor offering to write me a letter of recommendation, I felt slightly disappointed in myself but am grateful that taking the final tomorrow wouldn't have changed my overall grade and certainly won't preclude me from further graduate-level study.
Driving home from school, I was so tired that I literally had one eye open to try and focus on the road (which I don't recommend). I stayed awake as long as I could, but succumbed to a 3-hour nap from 2-5, missing a call from my sponsor but awakening just as BMF was texting me and my phone beeped.
Kate called and I was happy to hear from her, just as I arrived home from school. She was happy that I was happy with Guy Friend's kiss and beauty-noticing, Kate knowing it was what I'd wanted for so long. Guy Friend's just probably relieved to get that off his chest, and while certainly not the smooching that goes along with BMF, who is in love with me (obviously), it was exactly what I'd been waiting for.
While I doubt highly this quote is actually from Bob Marley, I liked the sentiment:
Last night's conversation with Guy Friend did reveal a bit more about his never-lurid life history, as I asked him what he liked to do in college, the random "Did you have your wisdom teeth out?" and he revealed that by senior year, he and all his friends had girlfriends. I felt like saying, "By SENIOR YEAR? Jesus, we were all on the sexual prowl the moment we arrived freshman year, though I wouldn't lose my virginity until sophomore year. In our conversation, I revealed the various online misadventures I'd had attempting to date, and he thought the entire concept of christianmingle.com very humorous. (Those guys just AREN'T my type, as a Christian-Hindu-w/Buddhist Tendencies. These are all megachurch Bibleholics.) I told him besides, I only date guys like BMF anyway. I got one of those "Oh, Annie" head shakes and a smile.
Like I said earlier, I tried my damndest to explain my rapid and hour-by-hour mood changes, and his empathy was admirable. We talked about the histories of my sponsor, some of my closest friend, and Pastor Dave's family. We also talked about Chris, and the inherent danger which I perceive he still poses and how that makes me feel. We talked about everyone he met at my birthday party, and what their life stories were. In essence, we covered a lot in 3 hours. Taking another 2 hours to delve into how and why and what to do about loving him so passionately didn't seem appropriate, which is why I said we were cool. While "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" perhaps ringing in my ears, my attitude is that of accepting Guy Friend for his own beauty, my immediate thirst quenched.
Guy Friend wants me to learn not be so dependent on other people's opinions and reactions to me, which I attribute much to having been abused in the past, and like BMF had been hypothesizing, the filling of a huge void in my life (both as a result of losing my dad as a little girl and being abused by Chris), whereupon I seek, in particular, male attention and affirmation. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of egotism. It's a product of mental illness. He wanted to know how I get "out of my own head" and what's happening to me, and I told him honestly, that was really difficult to do when you're rapid or ultradian cycling.
My bastard ex-boyfriend destroyed such crucial particles of my self-esteem, that leaves me with an almost insatiable need and expectations of men whom I actually believe I can *trust,* after trusting Chris with everything, only to end up punished or punitively emotionally, sexually or physically damaged. I reiterated that I *trusted* him, as I trusted Craig, BMF, my brother and my pastor, when it came to men getting remotely physically near me.
I wholeheartedly apologized for inundating him with texts, and explained the difficult concept of ultradian cycling in bipolar disorder, and he noted that the moods of my texts to him change direction and emotion interchangeably, frantically sometimes. In reading them over, that's certainly true.
I did actually make him a CD of but one song, which I explained to him was about regret and about living in the moment, Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work." He's not familiar with Bush, but I think it'll move him deeply. (I also gave him a copy of George Harrison's latest CD of demos and outtakes, which I think he'll really enjoy.) Part of Guy Friend wishes he had the freedom of expression and the liberty of love that I share with a lot of my friends, though I have to honor his life and how he chooses to live it if I want to be a part of it. He accepts my insanity, and I accept his desire to go blueberry picking in Michigan with his family. What would bore me to tears clearly makes him happy, so I just can't fault him for it any longer. That's the most loving thing I can offer him. While our lifestyles and theories are, for the most part, opposite, I believe our hearts are both ultimately in their proper places.
When he picked me up, he was cranking Jonatha Brook's song, "Annie," which he quickly turned off when I got into the car.Perhaps preparing himself for the worst of my moods, it was the CD I gave him for his birthday during a depressive episode.
"Cuz I'm walking on eggshells, I'm walking on glass
Sing hallelujah each time that you pass
And Someday you'll pick yourself up off your ass and go
Cause you're gambling again and the stakes are too high
Your ante is fear, and my bet is desire
Took you far from the truth, and into the fire again
But Annie I hope things line up for you
All in a row, shiny and new
You can't keep living in one small room
When you never let anyone in, you never let anyone in,
Never let anyone in"
I was surprisingly pleased that he was wearing the John Lennon artwork tie I gave him for Christmas last year, citing that his wife picked it out for him to go with his yellow shirt today. Happenstance? I sort of doubt it, but found it a thoughtful gesture. Why dummy me gave a colorblind guy a red tie as a gift is evidence of my dopiness. I told him I wished, in hindsight, I'd given him the naked John and Yoko embracing tie (in tiny caricatures) but had played it safely with Lennon's "Peace and Harmony" drawings.
Lots of things were covered tonight, though when he said "Do we still need to talk?" (I assume about our relationship), I said no, that we were cool and I understood, and promised to be less of a a pain in his ass, though my promises were contingent, largely upon the results of my previously blogged apology note. What drives certain people away from me entrances others, and Guy Friend certainly didn't know where he stood when he wrote that email that I took such offense to.
I told him, with regard to the Kate Bush song, that I wanted him to listen to it tonight, on his way home, and think about it. He may not be moved to tears, but I think he'll understand why I gave it to him, without me having to write a lengthy explanation as to why I did so. That is my hope, anyway. When Kate sings, "Give me these moments back...give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your hand," I reminisce about the multitude of positive, loving experiences he and I have shared together during our friendship. I have a photographic and sensory memory, which, while debilitating in the recollection of, for example, wrote fact from textbooks in the short term, I vividly recall senses, emotions, smiles and shared laughter with Guy Friend that I hope to sustain for the remainder of our lives.
While he remains guarded about his personal life, by his own choosing, and I don' feel right prodding, he knows I'm open and honest with him about my own feelings, and while I don't know how he interpreted the check-marked "I'm in love with you" on my apology form, as BMF often points out, I'm a little bit in love with just about everybody. While few understand my feelings for him, and compare him to BMF, with whom I'm definitely more closely matched, what cemented my love for Guy Friend was evident in my mind from the moment we met. That being said, I'm still conflicted, at times, as to whether or not, in the unlikely event I should ever remarry, if I want Guy Friend to walk me down the aisle and give me away, or if I want him waiting anxiously for me at the front of the proverbial altar. If I can't make sense of my feelings, I certainly can't expect him to. So many of the people who know me well say that it's an easy choice, (like I've said before) between GF and BMF. That's not true, for they each love and appreciate me for very different reasons. What is true? Without either of them, or the unfailing support of the rest of my family and friends, I would've most certainly died by now, given all the intense physical and mental drama I've endured.
If I were to choose a Kate Bush song for BMF, it'd be "The Man With the Child in His Eyes." Definitely. Both being idealistic dreamers whose fantasies are vivid and endlessly utopian, lack practicality, as does my relationship with Guy Friend. What Kate Bush song resonates with me ABOUT my own experiences? "Running Up that Hill," though I also relate to "Wuthering Heights," for I am, at heart, consumed with romanticism and the inherent drama of love that's been exemplary of my approach to life.
What's true of all Kate Bush songs? She's a hopeless romantic who unabashedly loves people with lyrical fervor, has read A LOT of literature, and her sentiments are a truism of any artist, musician and writer I've ever encountered. I have, conversely, met a number of people who are rational/logical/systematic thinkers who, while they may feel impulses of passion, deny themselves on acting on feelings alone, their motives unclear and confusing to me.
Right now, I need sleep. I have a test in the morning. I'll finish this blog entry and edit it tomorrow. Until then, listen to this Kate bush video. Try to understand where she's coming from. I've queued up my ambient music channel on Pandora and will flow my brain down to rest.
More to come. Stay tuned. All we'll ever have is NOW.
Wednesday:
Last day of class. Last exam, during which I kinda dozed off, in my head thinking up fantasy questions that weren't even on the exam. Somehow, I gathered my wits together, though so charged and happy about my time with Guy Friend last night that I had a hard time getting to sleep, and reset my alarm to 6:00 this morning, instead of 5:30am. Yes, I went to Starcracks. Did I study this morning? Kind of, not really. As a result, the final grades are in , and I got a B in the course, which is still above-average. Being a perfectionist/fatalist, it had me a little disappointed but keeping thoughts in context, and my professor offering to write me a letter of recommendation, I felt slightly disappointed in myself but am grateful that taking the final tomorrow wouldn't have changed my overall grade and certainly won't preclude me from further graduate-level study.
Driving home from school, I was so tired that I literally had one eye open to try and focus on the road (which I don't recommend). I stayed awake as long as I could, but succumbed to a 3-hour nap from 2-5, missing a call from my sponsor but awakening just as BMF was texting me and my phone beeped.
Kate called and I was happy to hear from her, just as I arrived home from school. She was happy that I was happy with Guy Friend's kiss and beauty-noticing, Kate knowing it was what I'd wanted for so long. Guy Friend's just probably relieved to get that off his chest, and while certainly not the smooching that goes along with BMF, who is in love with me (obviously), it was exactly what I'd been waiting for.
While I doubt highly this quote is actually from Bob Marley, I liked the sentiment:
Last night's conversation with Guy Friend did reveal a bit more about his never-lurid life history, as I asked him what he liked to do in college, the random "Did you have your wisdom teeth out?" and he revealed that by senior year, he and all his friends had girlfriends. I felt like saying, "By SENIOR YEAR? Jesus, we were all on the sexual prowl the moment we arrived freshman year, though I wouldn't lose my virginity until sophomore year. In our conversation, I revealed the various online misadventures I'd had attempting to date, and he thought the entire concept of christianmingle.com very humorous. (Those guys just AREN'T my type, as a Christian-Hindu-w/Buddhist Tendencies. These are all megachurch Bibleholics.) I told him besides, I only date guys like BMF anyway. I got one of those "Oh, Annie" head shakes and a smile.
Like I said earlier, I tried my damndest to explain my rapid and hour-by-hour mood changes, and his empathy was admirable. We talked about the histories of my sponsor, some of my closest friend, and Pastor Dave's family. We also talked about Chris, and the inherent danger which I perceive he still poses and how that makes me feel. We talked about everyone he met at my birthday party, and what their life stories were. In essence, we covered a lot in 3 hours. Taking another 2 hours to delve into how and why and what to do about loving him so passionately didn't seem appropriate, which is why I said we were cool. While "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" perhaps ringing in my ears, my attitude is that of accepting Guy Friend for his own beauty, my immediate thirst quenched.
27 comments:
Did Guy Friend understand the Kate Bush tune? I'm curious. Such a moving piece.
I'm inclined to side with Kate. If you're happy he kissed you, I'm happy for you, and glad you ironed things out for the most part. I, personally, still think you should have the relationship discussion at some future point.
I understand where you're coming from re: your love for him and how hard that is to hide. I've spent an even longer time discreetly hiding my feelings for you.
I have no doubt you looked beautiful last night. You always do, and radiate when you're around people who bring out your passion, which for some unknown reason, Guy Friend does.
You might as well put it out there if that's how you honestly feel, which you always do anyway.
Glad class is over and you did very well. Now give yourself a little break. Good luck at the grad school appointment on Friday and just be yourself.
Be at ease with your heart, your soul and body. Be confident that you are truly loved. Clearly, your indelible heart print has been left on Guy Friend, as it has been on mine for so long.
See you soon and love you,
BMF
BMF: Do you understand why I'd choose for you "The Man With the Child in His Eyes?" I hope you do.
Guy Friend doesn't kiss like WE kiss, but it was no less sincere or enjoyable. Bold of him, for sure.
I think he wants Chris castrated, personally, and I'm all for it.
I understand BMF's advice, and the impulse, to put it out there. Just bear in mind, once it is out there, it changes everything (suddenly!). Even if you both tacitly knew anyway. Once it's out there (call the police!), there's no taking it back. I've been there and wish very much that taking it back were an option because I very much miss a friendship that "putting it out there" rendered impossible. I know that might not hold for you (the impossibility of maintaining the friendship if the rest is "out there"), but if it holds for GF (and I very strongly imagine it will, in the long run) that's a cost you should seriously consider. Which isn't to say don't do it. Just, be aware of the potential cost.
Neurotically,
Monk
I think, if anything, it alleviated tremendous stress from our friendship. He's attempted to kiss me before, but his follow-through didn't work for us in those moments. It was such a big fucking deal, and neither of us had been drinking or drugging at the time. It was affectionate, not really romantic, as I said in my blg. I think we'll be just fine. :)
This is good then. I am glad for you. I should worry less, but if we could control our neuroses life would be altogether too easy.
Shut up Monk. Go honor your controlled boredom.
"Prithee, Kate, let's stand aside and see the end of this controversy."
Later kids. I don't wish to bring strife or petty squabbles to the blog. You will be in my thoughts, Annie.
Monk,
It took me 15 YEARS to properly kiss Annie. Made our relationship more complicated yes, but also very much bonded us.
Annie, are you that neurotic getting ready to meet me, with regard to your wardrobe, (from last blog)??? Never mind, I already know the answer...
I know why Monk said what she said and in what context. Her situation was already more rocky and volatile, having to see her guy every day, and arguing and drinking was involved, and things went sour, whereas GF and I have that particular pressure alleviated months ago (work). My situation w/GF is really, very, very different. "You must remember this. A kiss is just a kiss. A sigh is just a sigh..." So Monk is coming from a perspective of a negative outcome, which, again, I seriously doubt GF and I are heading.
BMF, I actually don't worry so much about what I wear when I see you, because I know you think I could wear a potato sack and you'd think I'm gorgeous anyway. I just would appreciate a little forewarning when you decide to write on shoes you know I wear to work, which I never DID point out to GF, but got in trouble w/my supervisor over.
You didn't answer my question about the Kate Bush song.
Kate, you crack me up. (Carroll, not Bush.)
Annie, when I kissed you the first time out of passion and not out of polite friendship, it was fucking explosive and rocked our world. For me, anyway, it was like "I'm in love with this woman, and now I'm REALLY REALLY in love with this woman."
And Fuck You, Chris, for telling Annie that "Every guy has his breaking point," implying that she could "break" any man if she really tried. She didn't "break" Guy Friend. And Annie, I don't think Chris'd have the nerve to physically come near you, though he may otherwise torture you over the interwebs. Honestly, if anything ever happened to you, we'd know who it was, and none of us would tolerate it. And you've always got your roundhouse kick.
I had to look up the lyric to "The Man W/The Child in His Eyes..." and I think it's lovely but in the song, she seems to doubt his love for her, which I hope you never do.
Monk, you were there one of the nights I disappointed Annie and her gang. It was my own fault for running away, because it was too heavy for me, and she'd sprung GF on me the night before, which I was ready for, but it wasn't a very comfortable situation, and one I wish never to repeat. Annie told me, at the time, that you said you either didn't like me or you "had no use for me" or something, which is why it strikes me strange that you would compliment me. I guess we all get over our shit in due time. Anyway, I'm sorry to have disappointed you too (but I'm most sorrowful over having disappointed Annie's son, again.)
Having talked to you after you talked to Kate, Annie, I agree with Kate that Guy Friend is indeed in love with you, though no, I doubt highly he's ever going to admit it.
I hope he enjoys his Controlled Boredom week away blueberry picking. Annie, that'd bore you to tears. I hope he doesn't "whoops" and leave the "Annie" cd in his car for his trip, 'cause he'd have some explaining to do.
I wasn't really talking about the kiss -- yours or mine -- but about a deeper "putting it out there." I can only guess, from what little I know, but GF is a very different man from BMF and may scare a bit more easily.
But whatever. I thought I might have something to offer here and cared enough to try. But I've lived through more than enough verbal abuse to think there's anything to gain in sticking around.
BMF, no apology necessary. I am sorry I spoke so harshly. I was disappointed that I didn't get to meet you, as I knew how important you are to Annie and how important she was to me. I was mad because I saw how frustrated she was that night. But mostly I was just overtired and cranky and wanted to get home.
Everybody's missing the bigger picture, which is that Andrea is happy. So let her be happy.
"Prithee Kate" , Monk , what are you, a freaking pilgrim? What do you mean by that .
Kate: Bwahahahahaha.
It's a quotation from a famous artist. I assumed the quotation marks would adequately signal that. My meaning is that I have no desire to get into some ridiculous snipefest with you.
I thought I had an insight that would be helpful to Annie in sorting out the GF situation. I shared it because I want her go have the happiness she is seeking. As I read her response to that initial comment, and as I read the updates since, it looks like she did indeed find something useful in what I shared. I'm glad for that, however much you might mock, judge, and attack the crazy idea of respecting that different people find happiness in different lifestyles. Really, no one is trying to force "controlled boredom" on you.
But I came here in good will, not to make myself a target for your hostility or an object of ridicule. I am leaving in good will, too.
Monk , I know your story and do not pretend you are trying to help
Andrea. You show you are not a passionate person in your writing.
Your thinly veiled "advice" to her is your own regret that things didn't go so well for you.
You are not a good writer. You are jealous of Andrea . You'll never have her intensity so get lost.
Oh, quick before I go and while I have the chance. Dubya, if you are still reading, that evening BMF is talking about, watching you interact with so many different people was a true joy. You are a remarkably gracious, and graceful, guy. Years ago a friend of mine worked a venue you guys were at and remarked that your mamas raised you right. Absolutely true.
Thank you, Monk/Anonymous, my late mother was a fucking saint, with all of us. And thank you. People work hard, pay money to see us, and while I don't get a chance to interact with all of them every night, by golly I'm giving it all I've got, and I know Andrea's pointed it out to GF before, but he and I are almost the same age. Just saying.
I definitely don't choose to become engaged in all this Female trouble, and will remain on the outskirts, but I have to say I agree with whomever (Andrea, Kate, et al) offers that what ya'll are calling "controlled boredom" would make anyone truly, blissfully, passionately content.
It's kind of like looking at the front of someone's refrigerator or kitchen when you go inside their house for the first time. I, for one, always notice it. People who live in controlled boredom have things like calendars, reminders about things like doctor's appointments, coupons, crap like that. If you were to walk into my house right now, or BMF's, or anyone with whom you share good company, you'd say "zany!"
(I don't have kids, so I'm not including things like pictures of kids or their artwork, BMF, for example.)
My refrigerator is insane. I'm not trying to say that disorder = contentment, but there's a certain lure or passion about psychedelic chaos and art and music and love that suburban straight squares just fucking miss out on. That makes me sad in a way. There's so much out there that's fascinating and stimulating and like being on a fucking UFO that people miss when they're out on the golf course.
Andrea, what did GF have to say about the show afterward?
Andrea's page should be full of love and intellect, and the sharing of that. Keep that in mind.
I love her too.
Dubya,
GF's excitement and fascination at your show was electrifying to watch. It was literally like I took him into another, magical fantasy world, like Alice going into Wonderland. He got "cozy" up to me, let's say, during your extended encore's final song. We locked hands walking back to the car and he was in awe. That was the 1st night he tried to kiss me, but I turned my head at the last minute, which I kicked myself over for the next year. He liked meeting BMF, though the reverse couldn't really be said as true, and couldn't believe I was involved so personally in such a free-for-all lifestyle with you guys.
It was like I was saying in my blog (whichever one it was) about taking him out of his comfort zone. He was the same way going to the tattoo parlor w/me, and the blues club..anywhere we've gone that hasn't been douchey and suburban, he's totally enjoyed.
That's SO interesting about people's refrigerators. I had no idea you were such a stickler for vivid refrigerators. You have such a unique way of looking at things. Mine at my mom's house is controlled boredom, but it's her house. Any house/apartment I've had, my fridge has been as wild and scattered as anywhere else I've expressed my creativity. And yes, once you have kids, all bets are off and you put dozens of pictures of them up, their artwork, etc. I've seen a picture of you in front of your fridge, so I can totally imagine what you were saying.
BMF, I texted GF about the Kate Bush song, but naturally, he hasn't answered, though I asked kindly for a reply. Figures.
Kate, I know you know about Monk's story and I agree with you that she harbors jealousy in as much as things with GF and I haven't soured for us (the last couple of weeks notwithstanding, but that wasn't the product of an affair gone horribly awry) the way her relationship turned into a shit storm.
As for "putting it out there," to everyone, I think GF already was keenly aware of how strongly I felt for him, and that I'd longed for that kiss for a really long time. Methinks he isn't used to other women falling in love with him, and I'm unashamedly shitpickles. I also accept his friendship and whatever he can give me, even if it's not everything I want, and we can all hypothesize about how he feels about me, but I think I know. (Same deal with BMF, though I know he's in love with me as I am with him.)
Oh Annie, if I were jealous of what you and GF have and filled with whatever malicious intent you and Kate are imagining, why would I bother to post a comment offering you an alternative interpretation of GF's avoidance, suggesting that rather than not loving you instead maybe he was overwhelmed? If I were sitting around seething in envy, wouldn't it make more sense to just sit back and enjoy the schadenfreude of a thread that read an awful lot like you were done with him?
I can't make you believe I genuinely, sincerely care about you. Whether to believe that or to listen to the voices telling you to doubt is entirely your choice -- and you've made it clear where you stand. I wish you didn't choose to assume the worst
Dubya,I like the way you think . I also admire BMF tremendously. Life is too short for some quack to shove unsolicited advice down your throat the way Monk does.
You and BMF seem to live life each day as if it might be your last.
That takes guts. If you don't have big , passionate dreams , nothing really exciting will ever happen . You get hurt living like that , but when things work out,
look out. "Better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all."
My refrigerator ? Yoko Ono,
Frida Kahlo , and Medea. My personal favorite , Shakespeare's favorite's insults and curse words. And Beach tags. I am a painter with a serious hat fetish.
BMF has a beautiful soul and sensibility. BMF is intense , passionate ,
and is gifted beyond belief.That comes with a price. The thrill is worth it. Oh , it really is.
I don't know you as well but you stand for the same kind of idealism and positivism as BMF.
You are very wise and I have benefited immensely from reading something you said. I don't worry about Annie, with friends like you two , she'll be fine.
GF called me yesterday to catch up/say goodbye before his trip for a week's worth of controlled boredom up in MI w/his family and another family. His annual jaunt into blueberry picking and reading on the beach. Yawn..he called en route to the library to pick out books to read next week. I'd go insane if I were him, but if he's happy, God bless him.
He wanted me to analyze "This Woman's Work" for him. He said it was a "typical Annie song" layered with lots of deep emotion and he wanted to know why I chose it. I told him about Bush's video interpretation of it,and how, like my Kate was saying, it's about living each day as if it were your last.
Bush talked about regret, "all the things we should've said that we never said...all the things we should've done but we never did..." and how it's impossible to get back all those precious memories once they're in the past. GF actually said what BMF and Dubya's life credo is about living each day as if it were your last, and he said, "So make every moment count?" I said, "Yes, because you don't know if you'll have a future," or something to that effect.
GF got it then. Dummy me didn't even include on the blank CD what the song was called, so I told him.
I also reminded him about your "All We Have is Now" song, guys, which was on his last CD, the one he was blaring in the car when he picked me up, though at the time, he was listening to the song "Annie."
Maybe Dubya and BMF can translate Monk's journey into German, since they're in Germany right now. Help me out fellas.
Dubya, since I have no fridge to decorate right now, I'll take a picture of the back of my car and point out what's all on it, and text it to BMF for you to see. It's my version of a refrigerator to display.
I don't know...I'm with Dubya. I don't want to get in the middle of female bickering either. "Schadenfreude" is enjoying someone else's misery. Maybe Monk, like I'm not jealous of GF, is just envious that your relationship didn't turn out badly. I get twinges of yucky in my head when I think about you kissing him, though that's clearly not Monk's problem.
I assume w/GF away you won't hear from him for a week? I assure you he'll be thinking about you, sunshine. No,naturally, he's not used to other women falling in love with him like you said in one of your comments. Do I want you in love with him? NO. Do I accept it and love you anyway, you having said you're in love with me too? YES. Madame Shitpickles, you've gotten yourself into quite a shitpickle, haven't you????
You're getting as bad as me giving him a CD with no title or track listing on it. You couldn't even tell him the title of the song? I'm glad you got to talk about it, though. Next time, try Dolly Parton's original version of "I Will Always Love You." ;) Or Chris Rea's "Fool if You Think it's Over." Take yer pick!
Kate, nice refrigerator! Mine's admittedly littered with my kids' stuff. Dubya doesn't hold it against me. But you'd love my kitchen, Kate. It's funky and the wallpaper doesn't match the countertops...it's a gas. Oh wait, maybe you saw my kitchen? That interview my friend's daughter did with me? That was in my kitchen.
Kate, what Yoko Ono is on your fridge? Artwork by her or a picture of her? She's a wonderful lady, having worked with her (and Sean, who's a friend) several times.
Annie, you know why he was listening to "Annie" when he picked you up, don't you?
Thanks, Kate. Andrea's intense, for sure. She's the most extroverted introvert I've ever met. There's a white, hot spotlight on her that she doesn't create that just makes her stand out. I love that about her. I think that made GF fall in love with her, but scares him half to death.
Andrea told me your husband thinks GF was in love with her the moment he met her. I believe that.
I advocate positivism and love and laughter and friendship as best I can. Life's just too short and unpredictable not to. I know Andrea loves you, Kate, and think it's remarkable you've sustained such a close friendship even though you haven't seen one another in so long.
Monk, I understand you playing devil's advocate on Andrea's behalf, but to my knowledge, you've really been on the outskirts of her relationship with GF for a long time.
BMF is, yes, Kate, a truly phenomenal human being. He's a rock. He'd do anything for his friends. He's passionate (about EVERYTHING), a genius, and has been through more than most humans could endure. He's too humble and unassuming to expound on your compliments, but I know he read what you wrote. He really just wants Andrea to be happy. Remember what he said his dream was? That he and Andrea would spend their lives together. Hopeless romantics, those two.
Andrea says you've been really ill, so I'm sending you a hug and a warm thought. She emailed BMF pictures of you--you're a beautiful girl yourself. Hat fetish? Is it worse than BMF's effects pedals fetish? And she said you have a dog that is your other best friend. We have one too. She's nuts. I love her.
Peace!
Andrea,
Did you tell GF that I once vacationed at his favorite spot
and enjoyed the skinny dipping immensely? I hope he doesn't get poison ivy picking blue berries.
( I'm sorry Andrea, he is Boredom incarnate!)
With remarkable friends like BGF and Dubya ,
why do you even care what other people say?
I'm a lot late to this one, but what is resonating with me, are the feelings. And my own ideas about ever recommitting to someone that would mean aisle walking, and not in a grocery store. While I think love can be chaotic and confusing, I understand something about my own wants and hopes by reading this-- that maybe it's enough to love and be loved in return, and that the trick is, at least for me, trusting that that is enough. I suffer from wanting more, but thankfully, I think I'm working through some of the issues of why that is.
I'm thankful you write about these things. I'm exploring my own relationship options and choices, and it's a scary enough thing doing it myself. I love seeing someone else who is pretty fearless in her heart, all things considered. Never abandon hope! <3
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