Shouldn't These Two People Be *REALLY* Pissed Off At One Another?

The pros/cons of listening to the "70's Lite Rock Radio" channel on Pandora: They play a lot of cheesy oldies that I admittedly do still enjoy, and it's sometimes a nice mind-numb'er after listening to the more intricate melodies of the self-designed Flaming Lips channel I created. The bad part? Ok, you can either "thumbs-up" or "thumbs-down" any given song. If you thumbs-down it, Pandora won't play it again. But you're only allowed, through licensing and copyright laws, to thumbs-down like 5 songs every hour or two, after which Pandora apologizes but tells you "you're sort of stuck here until the song's over...either change the channel or go to the bathroom or DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE WITH YOUR LIFE INSTEAD OF DICKING AROUND ON THE INTERNET."

I made the mistake of "thumbs-upping" "Escape: The Pina Colada Song" by Rupert Holmes. It's a song I used to roller skate to in my basement when I was a kid. It's a gooey, sentimental wonder that admittedly makes me lose ANY shred of punk street credibility I had going on, but whatever. I heard it today, and took the time to actually listen to it. I analyzed it a little in my mind. Here, take a listen for yourselves:

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

1. The couple is lying in bed...she's asleep; their dog, Bingo, is happily wagging his tail lying betwixt the seemingly happy couple, and he's looking at her like, "Enough of you and your string of pearls, Leather Face, I'm gonna scope out riot grrls in the paper and if you wake up, well, at least I've used the cover of the NY Times Book Review section as a distraction. If I have to hear about what's on sale at Trader Joe's one more fucking time or how our dry cleaner couldn't get the wine stain out of my white shirt, I'll drown myself in a tub full of bourbon."

Listen, I know all about being tired of your old man/lady after too many years together, and I'm all about following your bliss and if you meet someone else who knocks you out, do what you WANT, not what puritanical society thinks you SHOULD. Some relationships either burn out or just fizzle to a complacent friendship, especially once your brood is all grown up and the kids don't need Mom and Dad to take care of them anymore, which admit it, was half the reason you were married and tolerated one another that long to begin with. That's nobody's fault, per se, and it doesn't happen to everyone, and maybe I listen to too much John Lennon, but that's just my opinion.

2. Assuming they're still even *having* sex, wouldn't it stand to reason they would both *already* know they enjoy making love at midnight, with or without the "dunes of the cape?" Oh wait. Neither of them has watched "Annie Hall" in 20 years. Never mind.

3. The husband/partner takes out his own personal ad. Aren't they now fighting over who gets the personals' section first to check on their respective ads when the paper comes in the morning and they're having their coffee and kissing one another farewell for the day? Oh wait. They stopped THAT bullshit 15 years ago, when they were too busy carpooling and working and walking Bingo to enjoy quiet morning moments together. Never mind.

4. Her personal ad declares a distaste for yoga practitioners. His personal ad reveals that he eats like a pig and snarfs down champagne. I'm not sure that's what she was looking for, but what the hell? She is so out of sync with her fella that she doesn't already know what he likes? *I'm* a lot more simpatico with men's tastes and tendencies with men I've never lived with. Let's face it , honey, this has DEAD SHARK written all over it.

5. So he's at O'Malleys, after essentially telling her in his response to her ad that he wants to cut the crap and get it on with her. Now, if I were the guy, and my wife didn't know I was already looking for a new partner, her appearance at the bar where I said I would meet my soon-to-be affair partner would SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. But Holmes' Lothario remarks about the blessed discovery of seeing his wife at the bar, and they glibly retort back to one another "Aw, it's YOU!" This is the big point of discontent I have with the story line of this song. This is where I envision the two of them ripping one another's lungs out for planning on cheating on one another.

6. And what, now she's "his own lovely lady?" Just weeks (presumably) before, he was trying not to sound mean, but that he and his old lady's fizzle had fuzzled and it was time for him to seek out some new excitement without her. He's not mad at her for placing the personal ad in the first place, and she's not mad at him for responding to a (lie) single woman's personal ad.

7. We never find out what happens to the couple after their meeting in La-La Land. Keep in mind, this song was written long before the term "friends with benefits" was coined. This was more in the wife-swapping or key-party era for those into such kink outside of their main relationships. But if that were my husband, and I actually gave a damn anymore, I'd make sure that when he touched the feel of the ocean with his glug of champagne, I'd put cement boots on him and cast his sorry ass away to be eaten by sharks. If I didn't give a damn, I would've just left him at O'Malley's and wished him good luck, whilst going home and starting to look for apartments on Craigslist.

Call me crazy, but if I were part of this couple and I wanted to maintain my relationship with my husband, I sure as hell wouldn't want to get caught meeting HIM on a blind date in a bar where HE is looking for a hookup. It just sounds so fucking complicated, you know? They need therapy or to get a separation/divorce, point blank. Because if he scoped out one babe in the papers, chicky, he'll scope out another one, most likely when he's drunk on champagne and you're at work.

It's too bad the song ends before you can see if they ripped one another's throats out and speed dialed their respective divorce attorneys after they got back home. The most knowledge that was garnered for them as a couple through this experiment was for each one to find that a) they both like Pina Coladas (eeew, coconut!) and making love at midnight. My best to them if they succeed under such strained and unusual conditions. Did they ever forgive the other for the attempt at cheating?

What the fuck?