Anger Management, Third Grade Style

Luke's still having a world of trouble with the class bully, who persists in kicking, knocking down, poking and hitting my boy on a regular basis, despite my intervention and the teacher's more fastidious observations. Craig and I have given Luke the green light to defend himself should the opportunity and/or need arise, but Luke's a pacifist by both nature and nurture, plus the bully threatened to have his Chicago cop mom arrest my son if he tattles (wank wank, kid, my son's intellect sees right through your vapid line of crap) or slugs back.

So I sought advice on the aforementioned issue from men whose characters I admire; Christopher, The Flaming Lips and Mike Brady from "The Brady Bunch." For the latter, I shared with Luke the Brady episode where Peter is pushed to defend himself (and trained for combat by Mr. Brady) and Cindy vs. school bully Buddy Hinton ("Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk!") and for the former, I showed Luke the Flaming Lips video for "Fight Test." Plus, Christopher laid out for me how to explain to Luke that his two respectable choices in the matter were to either physically defend himself or enforce the rules of the school and tell on the bully, instead of cowering in fear.

Yesterday, I once again took the matter into my own hands and sternly warned the bully after school that should he poke, kick, hit or breathe on my son ever again, he would be in for a world of trouble and that he'd then have to deal with me. The boys have Scouts after school today, during which the Scout leader agreed to have a lesson on bullying, so that's cool. Unfortunately, afterwards, I'll be face-to-face with said Chicago cop bully's mom, who will probably chastise me for scolding her precious angel despite the fact her son honestly deserves to have his butt whipped till Hell won't have it again.

So much for the presumption of safety and high moral credos championed by having the children at a parochial private school.

Unfortunately, the video for "Fight Test" is no longer on YouTube, but here are the lyrics....

FIGHT TEST

(Drozd/Coyne/Ivins)

The test begins...NOW.

I thought I was smart
I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a virtue, in always being cool
So it came time to fight
I thought "I'll just step aside"
And that the time will prove you wrong
And that you would be a fool

I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlight begins
It's all a mystery

Oh. To fight is to defend
If it's not now then tell me when
Would be the time
That you would stand up and be a man
For to lose I could accept
But to surrender I just wept
And regretted this moment
oh that
I was the fool

I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlight begins
It's all a mystery
And I don't know how a man decides
What's right for his own life
It's all a mystery

'Cause I'm a man, not a boy
And there are things you can't avoid
You have to face them
When you're not prepared to face them
If I could I would
But you're with him, now it'd do no good
I should've fought him
But instead I let him
I let him take it

I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlight begins
It's all a mystery
And I don't know how a man decides
What's right for his own life
It's all a mystery

The test is over....now.