Rides for the Jesus-Themed Adventure Park

Rides for the Jesus-Themed Adventure Park
Current mood: rebellious
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I was exchanging emails with my friend, Patti, when she mentioned that she would be volunteering at her church's vacation Bible school, and asked me if our church was doing the "Power Lab" theme. Unfortunately, we're not, but St. Paul IS presenting the Jesusriffic "SonWorld Adventure Park."

I'm not sure if the curriculum for "SonWorld" involves the actual creation of rides and attractions (that alone would take at least 7 days, would it not?), but golly gee, if I were my son, I'd be plugging for a piece off of THAT Kit-Kat bar.

This naturally flowed my deviously creative juices, cutting into my valuable daydreaming and procrastination regiment.

How's about....

... a Goose St. Matthew While You're Nervously Stuck at the Top Ferris wheel?

...Wednesdays after Memorial Day, Lepers can enjoy a 5% discount in the gift shop?

... "Hell in a Handbasket," a thrilling climb up a perilous slope of free will and sin, finally plummeting into a refreshing baptismal rebirth?

...the Old Testament Cafe has a 5-star menu of manna, locusts, Sodom Sundaes and Amazing Technicolor Dreamsicles, while the New Testament Bar and Grill serves up Lamb of God, loaves, fishes and wine in a fully air-conditioned manger?

...the You Vs. The Twelve Apostles bumper cars?

...the Tunnel of Love (Thy Neighbor)?

...Whack-a-Pope?

..."Purgatory," a vertical coaster that shoots you neither up nor down, just 45 seconds of heart-pounding hanging in the middle?

...deny Jesus 3 times before the cock crows and receive $10 off any adult admission to the new live-action production, "TRANSUBSTANTIATION!,"now playing in the freshly remodeled Garden of Gesthemane Ampitheater?

...the sick and the lame will be healed in the "Miraclenator," the world's first and only evangelical Tilt-a-Whirl?

...the "Carousel into Jerusalem," a collection of donkeys to ride up and down on the pole in concentric circles with free palms to wave along the way?