tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post5375719167551448503..comments2023-06-28T09:20:57.213-05:00Comments on Rhythms from The Offbeat Drummer: From Best Male Friend, for Guy Friend.: A Guest EssayThe Offbeat Drummerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-34741196377178372292012-07-23T21:23:55.785-05:002012-07-23T21:23:55.785-05:00BMF, you cry. A lot. But you're a spiritually,...BMF, you cry. A lot. But you're a spiritually, evolved, modern man. I've never seen GF shed a tear. I don't think that means he isn't capable of it. My intent w/Kate Bush isn't to sadden him. It's to make him look at a larger, more complex picture of interpersonal relationships and the all-too-familiar feelings of regret we, as humans, are inclined to display when we are on the outer fringes of losing something or someone. Kate did a painting listening to a continuous loop of that song that ended up in a museum show. After finishing the painting, she broke down and cried. It's just that kind of song.<br /><br />Just got off a very positive, upbeat phone chat w/GF, firming up dinner plans for tomorrow night. He's looking into somewhere vegan, which is considerate of him, and which he knows I prefer. He was driving into a pretty sunset, and I was looking at looming clouds which didn't amount to any real rain.<br /><br />In a text to him this afternoon, while doing my homework (no, the bland ethics/law chapter still isn't done), I maintained, as Monk was wont to remind me, that GF needs someone to take care of him and uplift him, while he's taking care of everyone else. I told him I he deserved to be adored, and that I was sorry for doing a crappy job of that as of late, and closed by informing him that I needed to finish reading about *not* eating salami if you're taking MAOI inhibitors. :)<br /><br />Believe me, BMF, the anxiety drugs will be on-hand and the pregame phone call to Kate will be enacted upon.<br /><br />For what it's worth, I psychologically agree that perhaps my PTSD was, in fact, latent in my mental makeup regarding my father's death, and was brought to the surface, as it were, with what happened with Chris. <br /><br />It breaks me apart to think about the times in the last year when Luke and my mom have found me unresponsive and accidentally OD'd or dehydrated half to death to pass out at home, or shit the bed, whatever. I watch out for symptoms of ALL mental illnesses in Luke, but he's shown remarkable resilience and maturity in the face of some really scary shit. My class has taught me this: In the face of traumatic stress, your children come away as one of two things: 1) incredibly resilient, mature & independent, or impossibly fucked up for life.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-43230304428191339202012-07-23T20:07:09.156-05:002012-07-23T20:07:09.156-05:00I listened to the Kate Bush tune and I got choked ...I listened to the Kate Bush tune and I got choked up thinking about YOU. You texted me why you chose it, so we won't ask you to elaborate in public, but it's intensely appropriate from my perspective. And to not overcompensate by throwing in 20 other songs would certainly be poignant. <br /><br />Does he cry? Have you ever seen him cry? Can he cry? He might cry, if he puts it all together without you having to write your usual 10-page cd liner notes, which you should NOT. <br /><br />I cry more than the average guy, though.best male friendnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-17467991125651178092012-07-23T19:52:14.862-05:002012-07-23T19:52:14.862-05:00I also said "brilliant." So no, not Chri...I also said "brilliant." So no, not Chris.Monknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-48774817168939980872012-07-23T19:46:38.423-05:002012-07-23T19:46:38.423-05:00Don't put words in my mouth. I said no "W...Don't put words in my mouth. I said no "Wall."best male friendnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-22369279086841916042012-07-23T19:39:08.056-05:002012-07-23T19:39:08.056-05:00A narcissistic prick? I'm clearly confusing so...A narcissistic prick? I'm clearly confusing someone with Chris. Again, I was on morphine. Monk? Sounds like the type of therapist I'll be. I have, do and will welcome any input, whether I, Kate, BMF, his BF, GF or anyone else interested weighs in. <br /><br />Right now, I'm awaiting a call from GF about potential plans for tomorrow. And kinda sick to my stomach, to be quite frank.<br /><br />Since I'm sure he doesn't know the song, the one song I was thinking of putting on a CD for him was Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work," which evokes a huge amount of varied emotions in me, since BMF was the musical gestapo and said "No Pink Floyd!"The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-17500240754584767272012-07-23T19:31:25.307-05:002012-07-23T19:31:25.307-05:00Ah. Well Monk is neurotic and socially awkward (to...Ah. Well Monk is neurotic and socially awkward (to put it kindly). House is brilliant, but kind of a narcissistic prick.Ms. Monknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-49876937534433979182012-07-23T19:23:52.525-05:002012-07-23T19:23:52.525-05:00Hey, baby, the only episode I ever saw of "Ho...Hey, baby, the only episode I ever saw of "House" was in the hospital, doped up on morphine and I never saw "Monk." I know you watched "House." That's as much as I was inferring.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-47727965121486060372012-07-23T19:18:57.860-05:002012-07-23T19:18:57.860-05:00Heh. Well, assuming you've guessed right, and ...Heh. Well, assuming you've guessed right, and chances are you have, I'm sorry that's how you saw me.Mr. Monknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-79703384931595903702012-07-23T19:11:17.564-05:002012-07-23T19:11:17.564-05:00Hey, Chickie Babies, you're all welcome here, ...Hey, Chickie Babies, you're all welcome here, as long as you're polite-ish to one another. Everyone's entitled to his/her opinion. Nobody has to go running away. If ya'll patently offend one another, remember this is my site. So far, the only comment I've deleted on this thread was MY OWN!<br /><br />FACT: Kate knows more about art and literature than all of us. No contest.<br /><br />FACT: BMF knows more about music than all of us. I come in a close second, though I can't claim half his brilliance.<br /><br />Ms. Monk, you always struck me as more of a Dr. House, though not as drug-friendly, which I'm merely deducing by process of elimination, as my ever-handy blog tracker's conveniently hiding all of you today for some reason. <br /><br />Wow, iTunes. I really didn't need to hear Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" right now.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-33891524471296266732012-07-23T18:56:01.920-05:002012-07-23T18:56:01.920-05:00Because, ultimately, "It Makes No Difference....Because, ultimately, "It Makes No Difference."<br /><br />Mr. or Ms. Monk, The concept of mindfulness is at the heart of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is the tradition I employ. Following it, while seemingly impossible, as is evident in my empty, to-be-read "Mindfulness Workbook" as it is in my next planned tattoo, the Sanskrit symbol for mindfulness I want on my other arm. I love the idea--I'm just not very good at it.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-7465271251536218482012-07-23T18:54:39.991-05:002012-07-23T18:54:39.991-05:00BMF, I appreciate the compliment to my writing flu...BMF, I appreciate the compliment to my writing fluency. I have read quite a bit. I also knew Annie well, once, and continue to care about her. I wanted to offer thoughts I hoped might help and I wanted to do so anonymously so that those thoughts would be about Annie and whether or not she found them useful, not in any way about me. It looks like that backfired.<br /><br />I'm not defending GF. I don't, honestly, give a fuck about the guy. But Annie does. He may very well deserve to be kicked to the curb. But if that's what Annie decides, I just want her to be able to make that decision knowing she was true to herself and wasn't acting out of fear. And if he stays part of her life, well, Annie sees something in him that is worth her while. I suspect, BMF, that you are on to something with the connection to her dad.<br /><br />Anyway, I gather it's better that I not continue to comment here. I will disappear back into the mists and wish you all well.<br /><br />Oh, and the pen name was a pop culture, not spiritual, reference.Mr. Monknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-9708443436932891532012-07-23T18:13:50.248-05:002012-07-23T18:13:50.248-05:00Why, Annie?Why, Annie?best male friendnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-11794093039328485972012-07-23T18:11:08.637-05:002012-07-23T18:11:08.637-05:00I wrote this long diatribe defending myself, but d...I wrote this long diatribe defending myself, but deleted it.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-84577023004337232902012-07-23T18:09:44.480-05:002012-07-23T18:09:44.480-05:00JESUS, I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A CUT OFF AS TO...JESUS, I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A CUT OFF AS TO HOW LONG A COMMENT COULD BE. NICE BLOG, ANNIE.<br /><br />AS I WAS SAYING...<br /><br /><br />Kate's right about the impassioned nature of artists. Artists FEEL more than the average person, and certainly more than scientists like GF. What comes naturally and is expressed freely in people like us is difficult, if not impossible, for some other personality types to grasp. Annie didn't understand why GF didn't want to talk about her poem. It's because he was overwhelmed and probably scared BY HER INTENSITY, which was Kate's original point.<br /><br />My best friend, in his comment on the other blog, was right. She's scared of nothing AND everything. With damn good reason, or if you want to be scientific, statistical evidence.<br /><br />There's no need to name-call or fight on this blog. That does Annie no good. <br /><br />Why have she and I remained so close? Because I've never met anyone so ferocious in her love and loyalty. Yes, the months we were apart were really hard, on both of us, and yes, in the months leading up to that, I was kind of nuts. I admit that. Did I learn from that? Did she? We both did. Did I make subsequent mistakes relating to her because I love her so much? Yep. Dumb ones. But she forgave me. She's the most forgiving soul I've ever met. <br /><br />Which is what I hope, if it is what Annie wants, GF will do for her. Pretty much whatever Annie wants, I want her to have, even if it doesn't include me. I'm not sure if even I'm good enough for her.<br /><br />Guy Friend, don't demote yourself prematurely. Hug her like you mean it. Annie trusts you with her heart (physically and emotionally). Please don't break it. <br /><br />Annie, always.best male friendnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-7109382688357273112012-07-23T18:08:15.350-05:002012-07-23T18:08:15.350-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-71396949079617714082012-07-23T18:07:52.364-05:002012-07-23T18:07:52.364-05:00If we go back to Annie's original blog, "...If we go back to Annie's original blog, "19th Nervous Breakdown," which, incidentally, is about mental health, with ONE paragraph about unsuccessfully trying to get in touch with GF. Annie then posted Johnny Cash's cover of NIN's "Hurt." The KEY LINE in that song (for Annie) is "Everyone I know goes away in the end." If you are capable of dissecting that song's entirety to that one line, therein lies Annie's message to GF.<br /><br />For those of you not in the know, Annie's emotional fragility stems from a) losing her father at a crucial age of development and b) entrusting herself to someone with her whole heart who would go on to emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually rip her to shreds. She might not even be conscious of it, but my feeling, as a PTSD sufferer, is that BOTH of those events gave her PTSD, just the former was latent until the latter came about.<br /><br />Annie's fear of abandonment and hyper-awareness of a sense of loss, I completely sympathize with and understand. BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE IT COMES FROM. How is she supposed to feel or approach life when every significant male relationship she's had, apart from my relationship with her, has been either tainted (refer to blogs about Craig), ended suddenly (her dad) or was veiled in charm that was underlying with venom (Chris). <br /><br />It's not that Annie doesn't know about mindfulness. She's intelligent, multi-religious, and in therapy. Ok, maybe she's testing GF to see if he'll stand by her, but I don't think it's that. I think she's legit in overreacting and he's legit in not having kept up with communicating with her when she was clearly reaching out for him.<br /><br />Mr. Monk, if you know her so well as to know her abuse history, you either know her personally or have read her at great length. Fuck, maybe you were married to her, I don't know, honestly, though you're a more fluent writer and less metaphorical than Craig, who's work I am familiar with. <br /><br />Look, I never ASKED Annie to choose between me and GF. I'm not sure what she sees in him either, or how much of it's romantic, physical, emotional, friendly or fatherly. That's really all rather inconsequential at this point. (Though Annie, sweetheart, seriously. Kate had it nailed when she said he'd never get a shot at a girl like you ever again. And please, if someone sweeps you off your feet, don't feel like you have to wait for me. You're a passionate, wonderful woman.)best male friendnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-60448584252188742472012-07-23T17:27:52.143-05:002012-07-23T17:27:52.143-05:00No , Mr. Monk, It is I who has disturbed your cont...No , Mr. Monk, It is I who has disturbed your controlled boredom. Please accept my most sincere regrets.Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-4680626571123604662012-07-23T17:14:25.958-05:002012-07-23T17:14:25.958-05:00I'm sorry that I seem to have struck a nerve, ...I'm sorry that I seem to have struck a nerve, Kate. I meant no harm.Mr. Monknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-66205096188146060272012-07-23T16:58:38.025-05:002012-07-23T16:58:38.025-05:00Mr. Monk, a Buddhist . Of course you are. So where...Mr. Monk, a Buddhist . Of course you are. So where exactly are you on the eightfold path ? Or do you just fling the word "mindfulness" around because it is trendy..Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-89961626327988734072012-07-23T16:47:12.622-05:002012-07-23T16:47:12.622-05:00Wow.
Ouch.Wow. <br /><br />Ouch.Mr. Monknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-81470972822520612322012-07-23T16:44:02.395-05:002012-07-23T16:44:02.395-05:00Anonymous or Pompous Coward,
You don't have th...Anonymous or Pompous Coward,<br />You don't have the guts to reveal yourself. Honor controlled boredom? I would rather throw myself under a train . You obviously don't have any talent. Boo-Hoo for you. If you did , you would know the thrill and excitement of creating art , music<br />or writing. I never understood what Annie saw in GF but I honored her choice. He is so far out of her league , he will never get a shot at a woman like Annie again in his pathetic life.<br />Why are you so concerned about him? He can be very thoughtless and hurtful.<br />To BMF , I agree with you that Annie has changed my life . She has such a kind heart , I really can't stand it when other people <br />pretend to be helping her but are actually projecting their envy of her because compared to her,<br />they will never thrill anyone, they will never brighten up a room by just walking into it , and they will never write a poem so beautiful it makes you cry.<br />arkhips5 If you have any more profound insights like ," honor controlled boredom ", please keep them to yourself or sign your name.<br />KateKatenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-18622647964214937382012-07-23T16:29:46.351-05:002012-07-23T16:29:46.351-05:00(I hope you will forgive my continuing anonymity. ...(I hope you will forgive my continuing anonymity. It's just not all that important who I am and I just kind of prefer to keep a low profile online. I hope whatever thoughts I have to offer will stand for themselves, however helpful of misguided they end up being. I will adopt the pen name "Mr. Monk" whenever I comment here from now on so you have some name to bitch about and/or praise and so you can keep this voice distinct from any others who choose to remain veiled.)<br /><br />I am aware of your domestic abuse issues, Annie, and am a member of that club myself. I agree that it is helpful for your friends and loved ones to be aware of your fears of abandonment and rejection. But I also want to challenge you to be as mindful of that as you can. Because there can be a tendency, and I suspect it is one to which you are prone, to warp that fear of abandonment into a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, I think in some ways you subconsciously test people to see how far you can push before they will really bail. (I know I do.) And people like BMF who pass the test time and time and time again are to be treasured. But not everyone is going to pass. Some have rejection issues of their own that are going to be triggered by being pushed and tested. You (in the generic "one" sense) can become so afraid of abandonment that you wind up driving people away so they won't ever get that chance. <br /><br />I know the war between impulsivity and mindfulness is easier to pontificate about than to wage. I know how easy it is to react quickly and how hard it is to take the time to cool down. I'm sympathetic, truly. But I hope for mindfulness for you so that if you do drive anyone away it will be because you gave it some clear, conscious thought and made a deliberate decision that the person adds no (or insufficient) value to your life.Mr. Monknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-31333159538395336492012-07-23T16:28:56.810-05:002012-07-23T16:28:56.810-05:00BMF and Kate: I heard a song in the car this morni...BMF and Kate: I heard a song in the car this morning (Kate already knows and BMF, I will text you) that, if I made him a CD, I was thinking of it being the only song on the CD. <br /><br />BMF's dead on about people with PTSD. He summed it up way better than I think I could've, and I'm fucking studying about it. Then again, he's dealt with it a lot longer than I have.<br /><br />In my own defense, BMF made demands on me and outlandish plans for our "relationship" when HE was sick, before our mutual "sabbatical" from one another for a little while. He wasn't *unlike* me in trying to get in touch w/GF and would call me, literally, dozens of times a day. I couldn't keep up. So I do see both sides of the fence, the more I think about it. <br /><br />The months BMF and I were incommunicado were tortuous. I worried about him and prayed for him a lot. We came out of it better friends, luckily. <br /><br />I sometimes feel like GF holds all the cards in our friendship and I have to idly plug along on his terms, but when I do assert myself, or "demand" things of him, I'm ostracized. I still agree, maybe had he texted me, it *wouldn't* have been enough and I would've wanted more, but before his snarky email, as of Thurs night, he apologized for not communicating and I apologized for hyper-reacting and I thought we were cool. I advised him against reading the blog, but apparently he did, which hey, I pointed him to in the first place, so it's not his fault. There were gleams of wisdom in that thread, though, even though I came out looking like a ho bag with BMF sharpening his knives. If anyone made any sense, it was BMF's BF who told me I had a lot of growing up to do.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-31879458362859525682012-07-23T13:32:01.287-05:002012-07-23T13:32:01.287-05:00Thanks to whomever you are for complimenting my wr...Thanks to whomever you are for complimenting my writing. It's not my specialty and in reading over my essay, it looks like I was speaking to 3 different people all in the context of the same sentence, but I was in kind of a rush. <br /><br />Annie and I are used to conveying our emotions towards one another in songs, and while I criticized her for writing Guy Friend a poem and not me, she has written me some of the most beautiful letters over the years. Annie and I think in music, and I know she's made cd's for Guy Friend too. It's up to you, Annie, if you feel the need to make Guy Friend a cd this week. If you have the energy and concentration to go through your library, or there's something you really want to tell him but can't, go ahead and do it. (And please, ignore my blog comment about the Dylan and Band songs. I guess you should avoid Neil Diamond, which is too bad, 'cause there are some real pips!...)<br /><br />No, Anonymous, her intensity of feelings and moods ARE sometimes overwhelming, unless you truly know her (which I obviously don't know if you do). Even she and I had to take a break from one another a couple of years ago for a few months because, both being really emotional, and due to my own personal problems, it became more than either of us (mostly I) could deal with. It didn't mean I stopped loving her. If anything, it made me appreciate her more. While she threw me a life line, I had to let go, just for a little while.<br /><br />Babe, I know you miss seeing Guy at work. You also said you'd wanted to quit numerous times, but didn't, because you were shitpickles. I kept my mouth shut. <br /><br />You need to learn to read between the lines a little more. Guy Friend did say in his email to you, after saying you were being "demanding" that he liked (or appreciated, I don't remember) your sense of humor and candor. See what I mean? I think that's kind of where Anonymous is coming from. Am I wrong?<br /><br />In her defense, I will say this: people with PTSD need more reassurance and a sense of safety than the average person might need, and Anonymous, I don't know what you "know," or who you are, but Annie was the victim of domestic abuse. We're leery, slow to trust, sensitive to the point of irrationality, and subject to heightened startle reflexes. Like my best friend said, Annie acts on every feeling she has the moment she has them and (however he phrased it) doesn't see the bigger picture at times. I'm that way too. There are physical, mental and sensory triggers that PTSD people misinterpret and I'm not excusing Annie, but I sympathize with and understand, that I don't think Guy Friend understands, even though he's a doctor (he's not a shrink).<br /><br />If you explain such things to Guy Friend, Annie, chances are he'll get it. While he might not be as emotionally evolved as me, he's also not stupid (usually). And he's not going to yell at you. Gather your wits before you talk to him tonight and for God's sake, take a pill before you go out with him. <br /><br />You do seem to be mellowing out, which is good.<br /><br />Guy Friend, I still think you should've texted her!!!<br /><br />Do your homework, this week's the home stretch!!<br /><br />I love you more than I can say (though don't put a Leo Sayer song on his cd.)best male friendnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8191306183209604345.post-36478449858950574552012-07-23T12:18:19.935-05:002012-07-23T12:18:19.935-05:00Anonymous:
Wow. I really appreciated that perspec...Anonymous:<br /><br />Wow. I really appreciated that perspective, and promptly shot GF a text sincerely apologizing for being such a childish, demanding ho bag, and that I am looking forward to seeing him this week, and that I certainly *don't* want him to feel like he's not a "good enough" friend. He's stood by me all this time,and I have been questioning his love all along. <br /><br />I see what you're saying about "what if the text isn't good enough" or what have you. I think GF thinks somehow that no matter what the gesture is, it's never good enough, and that my standards are impossible. I honestly don't want him to feel that way. <br /><br />I guess if "controlled boredom" honestly makes GF happy, I can't dispute that or knock him for it, though he HAS enjoyed his adventures into my offbeat, chaotic culture. What's tedium to me might be contentment to him, and while I don't necessarily get it, it's his life. <br /><br />I truly do love GF and BMF, though they're opposite ends of the human spectrum.The Offbeat Drummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18297496441624179505noreply@blogger.com